Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review

Happy Holidays!  It's Santa Guaps coming at you with a sleigh full of goodies.  But I ain't bringing you toys and shit, I'm bringing my thought.  (Waaay better than toys.)  About a year ago I saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey and wrote a review on it.  I figured why not do it again for the second installment of the series.  And like last year I'm writing this review late so I'm sticking with traditions.  So let's check out how this movie compared to the last and end 2013 right for Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.

I'll kick this off by first saying Peter Jackson is amazing.  The dude knows how to direct the shit out of a movie and make that look beautiful.  Just look at his track record.  The dude was built for this directing shit.  He could film me taking a shit and turn that footage into fucking art.  (Probably could content for a Golden Globe.)  So once again his sprinkles his magic into this film.  This was easily more interesting than the first but that's only because the first was setting all the pieces together.  This movie had all the action AND we got to see Smaug the dragon.  The movie is also really inspiring.  In the two times I watched it I realized the Bilbo really does all the legwork but he doesn't get much respect and that's real.  Without Bilbo the crew of dwarfs would still be in the Shire, but they're not gonna praising him like they praise Thorin.  That applies directly in life.  Sometimes you'll be doing a lot of good work and you won't get credit or it and then somebody just strolls along and steals your thunder.  Sometimes you just got to live with that.  (The Guaps knows a thing or two about that.

We met some new characters this time around like the shape-shifter guy and the elves, including hot she-elf  Tauriel and our old friend Legolas.  Now if you're wondering if Legolas was in the book the answer is no.  So if you're one of those purists who believe that movies should stick as close to the book as possible this might make you upset.  What made me upset is how Orlando Bloom decided to take a hiatus from acting and came back fat.  (Was I the only one who noticed Legolas gained a good 10 lbs?)  Orlando Bloom had a good streak a movies in the early 2000s and I'm guessing after he made The Three Musketeers he decided it was time to stop hitting the gym.  Anyways the elves were pretty dope in this movie.  Even if Legolas is not in the book, he and she-elf added another notch to this film.

This movie gets a Guapo.  It was a solid movie, better than the first, but nothing mind blowing.  I still recommend it though.  If you love great adventure movies with amazing cinematography then this is the film for you.  Now I can't wait for the last installment.  And with that I'll end my post.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  You can also catch me on Tumblr at  Have a happy holiday season and look out for the Guaps in 2014.  Stay Guapo out there!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

10 Best Robots in Movies

What's up all.  Guapo is back with another edition of Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  I know y'all been waiting on my latest post and since Thanksgiving is coming up I thought I'd give you guys an early present.  (So what's with the lack of posts?)  Good question.  And I actually have a good excuse this time.  As you should be well aware of, I've been writing for my secondary blog, Infinite Wisdom on Boardwalk Empire, and it's taken up a lot of my time.  Not to worry because Sunday night was the finale and after that, no more excuses.  (You said that last time!)  Right you are!  I guess you're catching on quick.  Just remember that I'm doing this shit for free.  I do this for the people.  That being said I'm taking donations.  You can send cash but I'll also take Visa, Mastercard, Amex, PayPal and all that shit.  Fuck it, I'll take a traveler's check.  What the heck, I might even take EBT.  The point is, I don't have time to be writing every week if it's not putting food on my mahogany table.  So let's just appreciate what I do give you.  I present to you: The 10 Best Robots in Movies.  A few criteria before we get started:
1) Robot must be from a live-action movie.  (Sorry Wall-E fans.)
2) Robot must be able to think on its own.  So no remote controlled machines.
3) In the case where a robot is part human I'll use my better judgement to decide if he qualifies.

Here we go!

10. ED-209 (Robocop)
This isn't Robocop, it's the other robot in the movie.  The first one they show.  In a somehow successful Detroit (imagine that!) crime is still a problem.  So the big thinkers come up with this new machine that enforces law.  They test it out on a subject in the board meeting but there's a malfunction and the machine shoots the shit out of the motherfucker.  Funniest scene ever!  I mean the robot must've shot the dude like 50 times or some shit.  Reason why it's at the bottom of the list though is because 1) everyone in this damn movie needs 30 bullets to put them down and 2) this machine's biggest weakness is stairs.  That ends up losing him the fight against Robocop.

9. Terminator X (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
This robot comes from the worst movie in the Terminator series.  (Yes, even that Christian Bale Terminator was better.)  But this cyborg was the most advanced machine in the series.  The first movie introduced us to a cybernetic organism that appeared fully human on the outside but totally machine on the inside.  The second movie gave us a machine that was liquid metal.  So how can they possibly improve on the next model?  Boobs.  The only scene I like in the whole movie is when the Terminator X gets pulled over by a cop and, after seeing a billboard with a girl with big knockers, makes her tits grow.  While we're at it let's loop this selection with the Fembots from the Austin Powers movies.  They shot bullets out of their boobs!

8. C-3PO & R2-D2 (Star Wars series)
Before George Lucas butchered a beloved and classic trilogy with a less than stellar (and that's putting it nicely) trilogy, he introduced us to two lovable robots that should be familiar to anyone who didn't grow up in the Himalayas.  We followed these two robots for 6 movies and never stopped loving them.  They are essentially the heart and soul of the series.  You can't have a Star Wars movie without R2 and 3PO.  Period.  These two go together like peanut butter and chocolate.  Let's hope we get to see more of them in the new movies.

7. The Sentinels (The Matrix series)
Real talk The Matrix is one of my favorite movies of all time.  Here's the question though: is Agent Smith a robot?  Naw.  He's a computer program.  But the sentinels are.  Those things were mad scary when I first saw them as a kid.  They look like robotic squids that fly.  Plus the movie was set in a time where the machines had taken over the world and used humans as a battery.  I remember thinking "what if we live in the Matrix and this shit isn't real" and shit.  (I still do.)

6. David (Prometheus)
This dude was half the excitement of the movie.  Anything that happened in Prometheus was either directly or indirectly caused by David.  (Mostly directly.)  Plus it was played by Michael Fassbender who's probably one of the best actors in the game right now.  I'm on record on how I feel about the acting chops of the Fass.  Dude was smooth in the movie.  Delivered the best lines in the joint.  I hear a lot of hate going toward Prometheus but I'm gonna stick to my guns on this one.  David made this movie one of my favorites that year.

5. Roy Batty (Blade Runner)
This dude was kicking Harrison Ford's ass!  Damn, he was bomb.  Probably my favorite Edward James Olmos movie.  (Yes, he was in the movie.  Go double check.)  But enough about EJO, let's talk about this robot, or replicant as they call them in Blade Runner.  Can you really call him a villain?  All he really was trying to do is be human, for real.  He was like the adult Pinocchio without the whole turning into a donkey and getting eaten by a whale thing.  He even redeemed himself at the end when (spoiler alert) he saved Harrison's life.  And was Harrison Ford's character a replicant too?  That's the biggest question that will have people debating forever.  Kinda like whether or not Leo DiCaprio was still dreaming or not in Inception.

4. Robocop (Robocop)
Even when this dude was human he was a motherfuckin' boss.  Dude was a cop and it took him like 200 bullets to take him down.  (Robocop laws, I guess)  Well this dude's body was taken by the scientists and turned into a law enforcement robot that real-life Detroit can probably use.  Had to make a judgement call on whether or not to include him on this list but at the end of the day I decided this dude was too dead to ever be considered human again.  Unfortunately I heard they are making a remake of this movie so be prepared to be disappointed.  (That's what I tell my family every time I call.)

3. T-1000 (Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
What's so good about this cyborg?  He was made out of liquid metal!  So he was able to morph into any person he came into contact with.  He was like Mystique from X-Men if Mystique was also a robot and could turn her arms into knives and shit.  It also helps that he was in one if the biggest movies in the history of movies.  (Credit goes to James Cameron.)  Was probably a few memorable lines from being higher on this list but this dude did have some memorable scenes.

2. Sonny (I, Robot)
I'm not a Will Smith dickrider like some people.  I don't hate the dude, I just don't think the dude is all that and a bag of chips.  (Who says that?)  I remember someone once said Will Smith has never made a bad movie.  He said that shit like Wild Wild West came out.  But I digress.  I, Robot was one of my favorite Will Smith movies and Sonny is a big reason why.  The robot had a sleek design was all around pretty dope to watch.  He actually reminds me of the robot in the Skyy vodka adds.  Side note: the movie was based on a book and has almost nothing in common with it.  (Not a surprise.)

1. T-800 (Terminator series)
Speaking of non-surprises, this pick shouldn't shock anyone.  Ahh-nold played the perfect cybernetic organism.  Living tissue over metal endo-skeleton.  And talk about character transformation.  The first movie had the Terminator as the villain.  He was an unstoppable force that could not be fucked with.  The protagonists needed three tries to bring this cyborg down.  Kyle Reese died on his second attempt.  But the Terminator wasn't done because he came back with a sequel.  But this time he's the hero.  (What?!)  Now he's going against an advanced prototype so he's obviously mismatched, right?  Naw, son.  The cyborg comes through again in crunch time.  What's more is this dude's anthology of one-liners.  If we forget the third Terminator movie was ever made (which we are doing) this robot had a really good run in the film industry.

And that's it guys.  I hope you guys enjoyed this post.  To be perfectly honest this isn't really a brand new post.  I actually wrote this piece years ago, about 4 years ago to be specific, when I was on my VLOG grind.  Then I realized I didn't like sitting in a chair in front of  my laptop ranting about things in multiple takes.  I'd rather sit down in a chair in front of my laptop and write out my rants in one take.  But it's not like I juts copy and pasted my old script word for word.  I added shit where it needed to be added and made modifications to the list.  I ain't the same person I was 4 years ago.  (Still better back then than most people are now though.)  My original list included "HAL 3000" from 2001: A Space Odyssey but I've come to the conclusion that "HAL" was more of a supercomputer than a robot.  I also originally had "Ash" from Alien and "Andrew" from Bicentennial Man but now that I think about it they're both weak as far as robots go.  (Appreciate my changes?)  

So with that I leave you guys with another quality post.  I know you guys have been waiting for some new and consistent posts but like I said, with the end of Boardwalk Empire I should have time on my hands again.  In fact, it actually got me to fix up a schedule to make sure I write.  Maybe I'll apply that organization habit to this post.  (Most likely not.)  But I got good works on deck with my end of the year post coming later this month, so be on the look out for that.  As always leave any comments, questions, suggestions or even complaints in the section below.  If you missed out on my secondary blog this fall you can still peep the archives.  The link is on the right in a section title Blogs I Fucks With.  The blog is called Infinite Wisdom on Boardwalk Empire.  Check it out if you love the show or just like me in general.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  I'm also on Tumblr at  Don't be afraid to friend me on Facebook or LinkedIn.  The worst and most likely scenario if you don't know me would be a rejection.  Ain't nothing wrong with that.  Hell, at the least it's a life lesson to kids out there afraid to dip their toes in the pool of dating.  Don't be afraid of asking that thick girl with the nice rack in your biology class out for dinner.  But most importantly remember to stay Guapo out there!