Batman Movies Ranked

Hey guys, this is El Guapo back by popular demand.  (I'm popular.  I demanded it.)  Thursday night was the long awaited premier of the Dark Knight Rises, the latest Batman movie and the last chapter of the Dark Knight Trilogy.  As expected I was there at the premiere.  Actually I went to this special at AMC Theatres that showed Batman Begins and the Dark Knight before the Dark Knight Rises.  I got to comparing the three movies, and then I got to comparing all of the Batman movies.  See, originally I was just going to write a review on the Dark Knight Rises and call it a night.  But where's the fun in that?  So instead I decided to go ahead and rank all the Batman movies.  Your welcome.  We're talking live action movies here, so if you get upset that Batman Year One didn't make the cut, it's because it didn't qualify.  I'd like to remind the readers that my word is law, so these are the official rankings.  Enjoy.

8. Batman & Robin (1997)
This is probably the only movie on this list that I will call horrible.  There are so many things wrong with this movie.  Let's start with Joel Schumacher's decision to put nipples on the Batsuit.  Come on, bro.  Plus there's this whole scene where Batman and Robin are ice-skating for some diamond.  George Clooney was a pretty bad Batman.  Then there's Mr. Freeze's terrible, god-awful ice puns, (I didn't completely hate those) and they really fucked up with Bane.  Schumacher made Bane an unintelligent pawn.  Basically just a really strong henchman.  Only positives is having Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone as Poison Ivy and Batgirl, and it's not because of their acting abilities.

7. Batman Forever (1995)
I actually really enjoy watching Batman Forever.  In fact, Batman Forever was the first Batman movie I ever watched as a child.  When Joel Schumacher took over the Batman series from Tim Burton it was supposed to be more kid friendly and shit.  But even as I watch it today I can still enjoy it.  However I've come across a lot of people that don't like this movie, and I'm not oblivious as to why.  It gets pretty corny at times and that's really just Schumacher's fault.  Plus Tommy Lee Jones played Two-Face like the he was the Joker but less intelligent, which kind of ruins it for me.  A lot of people have a problem with Jim Carey's performance as the Riddler.  In all honesty I didn't hate it, but I could understand why someone would.  But let's talk positives.  Val Kilmer was a pretty cool Batman.  I liked the Robin origin.  And Nicole Kidman was a baddie.  (Yeah, she was.)

6. Batman (1989)
I'd like to start off by saying I'm not a fan of Tim Burton.  (So many people will hate me for saying this, but I'm not apologizing.)  I'm not a hater, I'm just not a fan of the way he directs his movies.  Not my cup of tea. I did think Batman was a pretty good movie though.  However I did have problems with this movie.  For one, they have a Joker origin story.  I really feel like Joker is a character that just should not have an origin story.  Plus the Joker was played by Jack Nicholson, and who wants to see Jack's fat ass dance around in clown make-up.  (I don't.)  Michael Keaton was a good Batman, but he looks too much like an average Joe to play billionaire Bruce Wayne.

5. Batman (1966)
Can't go wrong with the classics.  Adam West as Batman.  Burt Ward as Robin.  Four villains including Catwoman, the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin.  You got the "Pow" and "Wham" frames when someone get's punched.  Robin saying his catch phrase, "Holy _____, Batman!"  And of course my favorite quote of the movie: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.  Sure it's not action heavy, but I've always thought of this movie as comedy anyway.

4. Batman Begins (2005)
Christopher Nolan rebooted the franchise in 2005 and he didn't disappoint.  First of all, I love origin stories.  And I love Ra's Al Ghul and the League of Shadows.  I liked seeing Bruce Wayne training.  Christian Bale was fucking awesome as Bruce Wayne/ Batman.  It was definitely one of the better Batman movies, especially considering Batman and Robin was the last movie that was released.  (It was still fresh in my mind.)  Michael Caine was a good Alfred.  Katie Holmes is cute.  She's not a baddie, but she's definitely cute.  You got Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman.  And then there's Liam Neeson.  Every time I hear Liam speak I just shutter.  He has a super manly voice.  If there was ever a definition for a man's voice, it's definitely Liam's voice.  Scarecrow, one of my favorite villains, was there.  The Tumbler was a really cool vehicle.  The scene where the cops are chasing  Batman in the Tumbler is one of my favorites of all the Batman movies.

3. Batman Returns (1992)
The number 3 spot goes to Tim Burton's second installment of the Batman series.  Michael Keaton returned as Batman and this time Batman faced two villains.  First you got Catwoman played by Michelle Pfeiffer, (oh yeah) and then you got the Penguin played by Danny DeVito.  (Oh, Ok.)  And then you got CATWOMAN played by MICHELLE PFIEFFER!! (OH YEAH!!!)  I love Catwoman.  The character is just sexy.  Plus she's not really a villain.  She's more of an anti-hero.  And when I saw this movie growing up the Penguin scared the shit out of me.  Ok, he didn't really scare me, he just freaked me out.  Oh and Mr. Christopher Walken plays the terrible Max Shrek, and who doesn't like Christopher Walken.

2. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
So here we are.  The Dark Knight Rises.  Goddamn was this good.  First I want to thank Christopher Nolan for making such a great series.  Ok, that's enough thank you's for today.  This movie basically picks up about 8 years after the end of the second movie.  Batman had retired, in comes Bane, and Batman is back.  Awesome.  First, Tom Hardy did an awesome job playing Bane.  (Way better than that douche in Batman & Robin.)  And Tom Hardy got big for this role.  I mean really big.  I mean, I can't imagine what his workout routine was like.  Plus, I swear this guy got taller.  At least six inches or so.  Tom Hardy is not that tall in real life, and he was towering over Batman.

Then you have Catwoman.  (OH YEAH!!)  Now when I first heard Anne Hathaway was playing Catwoman I was a bit skeptical.  I thought, "Wait, you're telling me that "Ella Enchanted" is going to be playing Catwoman?  Seriously?  The girl from the Princess Diaries?  I mean, she's cute and all, but your body has to be shmachin' to get in that Catwoman suit."  And my God, was her body shmakin'.  If anyone has ever proven me wrong, Anne Hathaway has.  And when she got on that Bat-bike?  (OH YEAH!!)  Enough about Catwoman.  I really liked the story.  Christopher Nolan did a great job of tying this movie in with the first and second movie.  The movie did get a little emotional and I have to admit I almost cried.  In addition the fight scenes in this movie were probably the best of all the Batman movies, and the ending was very satisfying.  So without further delay, let me present this movie with my official rating:  Guapisimo!!  The first one yet!

1.  The Dark Knight (2008)
Here's how I know the Dark Knight was the best Batman movie.  While I was watching The Dark Knight Rises all I kept thinking was how it compared to the Dark Knight.  And The Dark Knight Rises came close, but at the end of the day I have to give the crown to the Dark Knight, and here's why:  The Joker.  Heath Ledger played the Joker as well as anyone ever could.  He probably gave one of the best performances of anybody to ever fortunate enough to be in a Batman movie.  There were so many memorable scenes in this movie that revolved around the Joker.  Batman stepped his game up from the last movie and kicked ass again.  I liked this movie's take on Two-Face way better than Batman Forever's with Aaron Eckhart playing Harvey Dent.  If there's even a down-side to this movie it would be the fact that they replaced Katie Holmes with Maggie Gyllenhaal.  (Come on, let's be real.)

So that's it guys.  Thank you for reading my masterpiece.  If you love what I'm doing on my blog (you do)  then sit tight, because I'm not going away.  I'm on Twitter, so follow me @ELGUAPO3, and I'm also on Tumblr, the name being Sirelguapo.  I'm open to suggestions, so If you have anything you want me to discuss  please feel free to leave your suggestion in the comments section below. Stay Guapo out there.

Prometheus Review

Sorry this is a bit late folks.  I actually saw Prometheus on Friday and I was supposed to write the review on Saturday but I got caught up with stuff like going to a function and getting my twerk on.  But here is my first official review on Prometheus!!!

Ripley Scott.  That's the name of a man who knows what he's doing in terms of film making.  He's the man who gave us "Alien" and set the standard for good sci-fi movies.  I just wanted to take a little time to acknowledge him and what he has accomplished thus far before I dive into this movie.

Each summer there are a handful of movies that I tell myself I'm going to watch because I can tell it's going to be huge.  Sometimes I go watch one of these movies that I thought were going to be huge and it ends up being a bigger bust than JaMarcus Russell.  Ok, not all of them are THAT bad, but you get the point.  Prometheus was not one of those JaMarcus Russell Movies.   Let's break the movie down.

Plot

When it comes to sci-fi movies it's hard to talk about plot and compare it to Oscar winning movies.  You usually have say shit like, "For a sci-fi movie it had a good plot."  Ok.  For a sci-fi movie it had a good plot.  Actually it had a pretty decent plot in general.  Basically a group a scientists believe a group of Aliens they call "Engineers" created us and they get on a spaceship called Prometheus, hence "Prometheus", and they go look for them.  Long story short, it doesn't work out for these scientists.  I won't spoil it for you guys.  It's a pretty easy plot to follow.

Special Effects

For those of you who don't really give a shit about the story and all that junk and just want to know if the special effects are cool (no shame in that), yeah.  They are cool.  Ripley Scott and all those people who aren't Ripley Scott that worked on the movie did a really good job.  The special effects are really good and everything just looks great.  I think that's as good as anyone can critique the special effects.  Let me try another one.  It was neat-o burrito.

Characters

This was a pretty good cast.  And the characters were pretty cool too.  First you have Elizabeth Shaw played by Noomi Rapace.  She is basically the Ripley of Prometheus.  Just not as bad ass.  Actually the only thing that she has in common with Ripley is that they're both the main character.  My bad, not a good comparison.  She's cute though.

Elizabeth Shaw is one of the scientists that discover where to find the engineers.  She's accompanied by fellow scientist (and lover) Charlie Holloway played by Logan Marshall-Green.  She may or may not be out of his league.  (She is)  He's a pretty cool character.  He's adventurous and very passionate about stuff.

Then you have Meredith Vickers played by the ever so lovely Charlize Theron.  Let's just take a second to admire this woman.

Ahh, yes.  Charlize.  Theron.  And to think she is 36.  What was I even talking about?  And does it even matter?  Charlize was really good in Prometheus.  Her character is the Mission Director and she is basically very distant.  Not what I would call a people person.  She is kind of a bitch.  I don't think we were supposed to root for her, but I did.  I can't help it but I always root for the attractive people.  (Sometimes you just have to root for your own.)

Michael Fassbender, or the Fass as I like to call him (it's going to catch on), can do no wrong.  At least it seems that way.  And here the Fass is back at it with another great movie.  Here he plays David, the android.  This might just be the best character in the whole movie.  Anything exciting in this movie has to do with him some way.  Either directly or indirectly.  Mostly directly.  

Finally you have the captain/token black guy Janek.  Why is it always the black guy that seems to be the most logical person in the midst of all these nosy white people?  Anyways he's much more likable than the token black guy in "Alien."  I was definitely rooting for this guy.  And not just because he's played by the guy who was Heimdall in Thor, Idris Elba.  The guy also played Charles for a few episodes in "The Office."

That's enough for characters.  There were more but none really that important at all.

Conclusion

This movie was just down right exciting to watch.  It was intense!!!  Shit went down!   Let me tell you how exciting it was to watch.  Some time during the middle of the movie I had to take a piss.  Usually I excuse myself and go take that piss.  I don't want to mess up my bladder.  But this time I said, "Not tonight, bladder!"  And I held it in for a good hour and half.  Usually in movies there's a lull where I guess film makers decide it's the viewer's last chance to hit the urinal before the good stuff happens.  Ripley Scott was not about that life.  And though my bladder might not share the same appreciation, I have to thank Ripley Scott for such an enjoyable movie.  Bottom line if you love the Alien movies, you need to see this movie.  Chances are you probably have.  Fuck it, if you love sci-fi in general you are going to like this movie.  So my official rating for Prometheus is:

Guapo

Ok, so that sums it up for this review.  As I do more of these they will get better.  (Can you imagine?  Greatness getting better?)  This was lot's of fun.  Give me suggestions on other movies you want me to review as well as some money so I can see it.  I'm on Facebook.  I probably won't add you unless I know you, but you're more than welcome to stalk me.  (I'm talking to you Raynesha)  You can follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3.  While I'm at it you can follow me on Tumblr at sirelguapo.tumblr.com.  Good night folks.

Let's get Aquainted

Hello all!  This is the one and only El Guapo writing and you are reading the first edition of my new blog.  This is like the pilot of a tv show, so this is really just so you can get a sense of what the rest of these are going to be like.  Before I start talking about the blog itself, I'll talk about myself for a bit.

For those who haven't met me and just stumbled onto my blog (it happens), I'm El Guapo.  A lot of people will claim the name but who else goes balls to the walls and gets himself a kick ass logo.  This Guy.

So how did I even get a name like that?  Great question.  As you can see from the photo above, I earned it.  But being handsome does not automatically give someone the necessary tools to start a blog.  That's where my wisdom comes in.  At a ripe 19 years of age I'm as wise as man who's lived three lifetimes and a half.  As handsome as I am wise, I make a great role model for people everywhere.  People might as well call me El Sabio, which means El Wise-o in spanish.  But Guapo just sounds better.

Now I'm knowledgeable in many, many subjects.  And this knowledge is truly contrived from my cultured childhood.  Growing up in Oakland as a young Guatemalan American I was exposed to a lot of crime in my neighborhood.  For a lot of young teens in bad hoods it's quite easy to succumb to a life of drugs and gangs. But instead I turned my attention to being handsome and having hobbies and stuff.  Also I went to a private school in Alameda.  So it all worked out.

I could go a whole paragraph just listing my many titles.  So hear it goes.  Entrepreneur, rapper, screenwriter, out of work model, song writer, scientist, milf hunter, genius, critic, athlete, fashion expert, dinosaur expert, masseuse, chef, handy man, prophet, black belt, dog whisperer, actor, show worker for Bath Fitter, bocce ball champion, role model, inventor, student, teacher, and blogger.  Yeah.

Enough about me.  Let's get to the blog. This blog is just me spewing my wisdom into your brains via the internet.  Most of my blogs will be categorized into 4 different, uh, categories: Rants, Reviews, Top 10's, and Stories.

Rants

Some times there's a subject so grand that the world needs one man to tackle it.  That's where King Guaps comes in.  This is basically your chance to witness wisdom at it's purest form.  When I rant, it's unfiltered, unapologetic, and unedited, but what you're getting is the truth.

 Reviews

I've listed my various titles and of those many titles one of the few I hold dearly is that of a critic.  If there is one thing I'm really proud of it would have to be my ability to acknowledge great quality.  Whether it be movies, music, food, clothes, dog food, dinosaurs, athletes, tv shows or laundry detergent, I have the ability to fairly critique it.  So without further delay, I unveil the official scoring system for El Guapo's reviews. 

Feo= Terrible/ Shitty;  Not Guapo= Pretty Bad/ Not recommended;  Ight= Ok, I guess/  I didn't hate it;

Guapo= Good Shit/  Met El Guapo's Standards for quality;  Guapisimo= Amazing/ Best of the Best

Reviews that are Guapo or Guapisimo will receive the Guapo approved logo.

  

Top 10's

I love lists.  And I love rankings.  So I will make lists that rank shit.  It could be Top 10 easiest athletes to make fun of.  I'm not necessarily doing that one but it's just an example.  This is basically for shits and gigs.  You can make your own top 10 and compare it to my top 10.  Knock yourself out, kids.

Stories

Who doesn't love stories?  I'll tell you who.  People who hate happiness.  I love stories.  And if you love them as much as a normal person should you are in luck because I am stacked with stories.  Explosions, car chases, sword fights and sex with Victoria's Secret models are just some of the things that haven't happened yet, but probably will within the next five years.

So stay tuned.  Because I get better and better.  And I guarantee you that after you finish reading my blogs, you'll feel wiser too.