Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Ranking the NBA Finals Losers since 2003 (Version 2.0)
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
1 Year Anniversary
Hello folks! This is
El Guapo again with another edition of Infinite
Wisdom. Today is a very special
day. One year ago on this day I wrote
the very first post of Infinite Wisdom
from El Guapo’s Brain. I can
honestly say I didn't expect to keep writing this one year later. (I didn't expect to be writing one month
later.) Has anything really changed in
one year? Yes and no. I’m still the same Guaps: smart, charismatic,
sexy. I returned to my old summer job at
Bath Fitter. But maybe I’m a little bit
more mature. (Not really.) I got to go back to college and you can argue
that my writing is better. I do. (I might be wrong.) I’m just glad that you guys have stuck around
for a year and allowed me to write these prophetic words for your eyes to read.
Here is a brief story to celebrate this special occasion. This is the story of how I got a free gym membership by complimenting a girl's ass. One year ago I was working at Bath Fitter. I had the same position I have today but with less pay. I basically stand by my company's display and talk to people about the product. That part isn't really important. I was at an event out in Walnut Creek with one of my co-workers and we were just standing around. There was this gym from Walnut Creek with a display. They were signing people up for gym memberships at the event. This will be relevant in a little bit. So I notice my co-worker staring out at something. I look to see what is captivating her and then I see it. THE MOST AMAZING ASS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! I'm not fucking around here. I have never seen a better ass than the aforementioned ass. And she's white! (What?!?) And she was wearing yoga pants. YOGA PANTS! Imagine the best ass you could possibly think of. That ass would be cute compared to this ass. And just know I don't go randomly awarding "Best Ass" awards to every girl I see.
So naturally I'm staring at this lady's donk for a while. Then after a few minutes of drooling my co-worker breaks the silence and says, "You seeing what I'm seeing?" I say, "Yeah. God's gift to mankind." She starts talking about how jealous she is and I talk about how I've never seen anything like that. At some point my co-working tells me to ask her how she gets her butt so perfect. If you know me, you know I have absolutely no shame so I agree. So I walk up and on my way to this lady with the perfect glutes I'm going through my mind on how I can ask this girl about her ass without getting slapped. "I gotta be smooth with it" I think to myself. I finally reach the lady and my mind goes blank. I gotta say something, anything to not make this awkward so I open my mouth and what comes out is, "That is the best ass I've ever seen." I'm expecting this lady to get mad but instead she smiles and takes the compliment. We get to talking about her rear and what she does to maintain it. (Ladies, she knows what she's doing.) During this convo I'm kind of leaning over every once in a while to get another glimpse. After a while she tells about the gym she works for and how they have a special for 20 bucks or something for the month. But since I'm such a nice guy I get a month for free! I never actually ended up using my month trail since I'm never in Walnut Creek. The moral of the story: be like me.
I apologize this post is so short. I just wanted to give you guys a brief post
in celebration of my blog’s one year anniversary. I’m in New York City this week on
vacation. This city is hella dope. There’s all these tall buildings and
shit. I might not want to go back
home. I may or may not write my next
blog post on my vacation. (I probably
won’t.) I hope you guys enjoy your
summer. Stay tuned for my next blog
post. Follow me on Twitter @ElGUAPO3 and
my Instagram name is CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.
Stay Guapo out there!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Guapo at the Warriors Fan Rally
Your eyes do not deceive you! Two Guapo posts back to back! Before I get started on today's post I want to apologize for my last one. It wasn't my best effort but I had to meet my quota. This one should be better. (Can't promise anything though.) Last night the Golden State Warriors hosted a fan rally at Oracle Arena and I just had to go. The event was so awesome that I had to write a brand new post about it. This is what happened.
As everyone knows I am a huge fan of the Warriors, so understandably I jump on the opportunity to go to this thing. The event starts at 6 but me and my dad get there a little after 5 and there is already a huge line. My dad claims he can get me in to some VIP thing and I'm thinking he's just bullshitting me, but it's worth a try. My dad works for the county, which owns the arena, but it's not like he runs the county. But somehow my dad just talks his way into letting us pass all the lines and what not. So we're just sitting close to the court and I'm thinking, "This is probably the closest I've ever sat to the court. This is amazing, I don't know how this could get any better." My dad then goes to me and says, "I'm going to see if they will let you shoot around." There are some people shooting around but I'm guessing these are higher up people, maybe some trainers. I doubt they would let the Guaps on the court. But again my dad pulls off a miracle and talks to a bunch of people and in the end they let me on the court.
So I'm shooting around, missing a lot of shots and my mind is just racing. "I'm on the court right now! This is where my favorite team plays!" That's probably why I was missing so much. (Not because I suck.) Franco Finn, the Warriors hype-man wanted to play a game of H-O-R-S-E with me. That went nowhere. I mean neither of us were making shots. After that me and my dad went to the Courtside Club, a place I've walked by but never been in. They had this awesome spread of cheese and crackers. (There was a lot of cheese.) There were meatballs, this weird pasta, fruit, and shrimp. Now, if you don't know I'm allergic to shrimp, but every time there is shrimp I still eat it. And I still suffer. Never mind that because I'm having a great freaking time!
So finally the actual program starts and we go back out to the court. The players are sitting on these chairs in the middle of the court and there is a podium in the center. There's Harrison Barnes, Festus Ezeli, Carl Landry, Kent freakin' Bazemore, Brandon Rush and Steph Curry himself. Now before I continue on, let me just note that in the Bay Steph Curry is like a fucking movie star. Other players are famous, but Steph is on a whole 'nother level. I saw this one girl meet him and she was out of breathe, crying and shit like a Mexican lady who just saw the Virgin Mary under a bridge. Steph had to have two body guards on him at all times. He's like the Ryan Gosling of the basketball world.
My lucky ass gets to sit courtside while the program is going on. (Damn, I was spoiled.) Not only that, I'm sitting next to Steph Curry's wife and daughter. The wife is a certified Milf if there ever was one and his daughter was so adorable. She was getting so excited when the crowd was getting rowdy for Stephen. And while the program was going on Steph would look over to his wife and daughter and wave or point. Since I was sitting next to them it almost felt like he was waving to me! (Not in a gay way. Just in a "Hey, bro. You've been a loyal fan for years. This season was for you.") So Tim Roye started the program and members from the Alameda County and the City of Oakland made some speeches. Oakland's mayor Jean Quan spoke and declared yesterday Warriors Fans Day in Oakland. She got booed in the process and that was hilarious! (She's no Ron Dellums.) After all that the players went up and answered some questions that Tim Roye provided. It was a really good program.
After all that some of the players lingered so I was able to get some pictures with most of them with some autographs on my Warriors playoff t-shirt. I got pictures with everyone with the exception of Steph Curry because security wouldn't let me but I was able to get him to sign my shirt. But all that doesn't matter because I got a picture with Kent freakin' Bazemore. He's probably the greatest bench warmer to ever set foot on an NBA sideline. I got a picture with Festus and I swear that dude could pick me up with one hand like Steph can pick up his daughter. Come to think of it I look like a little boy in all my pictures with the players.
It was an amazing night and I think that might be my peak. There is a possibility that is as good as my life gets. And I'm OK with that. It was a great way to wrap up an amazing season. I'm so proud of my Warriors for giving me something to really proud of. And to top it all off I got to catch the end of the Indiana/Miami game so that was really dope.
Well that's it for my story. I'm going to be posting a lot more this summer and I've already got some things in motion. For starters I have to update my Favorite Warriors Players blog and move Stephen "Movie Star" Curry up even higher. The NBA Finals are coming up so I'm going to be writing about that. I might even update my NBA Finals Losers blog post after the series is all over. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm also planning on doing a top 10 NBA draft classes in honor of the NBA draft. And if you are sick of sports blog post don't worry I got some more Guapo stories for y'all coming up, including a special story to celebrate my blog's one year anniversary on June 9th. You can check out that first post here. Plus a bunch of more stuff is coming your way. Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and on Instagram at CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME. Stalk me on Facebook if you know my real name. Stay tuned and stay Guapo out there!
As everyone knows I am a huge fan of the Warriors, so understandably I jump on the opportunity to go to this thing. The event starts at 6 but me and my dad get there a little after 5 and there is already a huge line. My dad claims he can get me in to some VIP thing and I'm thinking he's just bullshitting me, but it's worth a try. My dad works for the county, which owns the arena, but it's not like he runs the county. But somehow my dad just talks his way into letting us pass all the lines and what not. So we're just sitting close to the court and I'm thinking, "This is probably the closest I've ever sat to the court. This is amazing, I don't know how this could get any better." My dad then goes to me and says, "I'm going to see if they will let you shoot around." There are some people shooting around but I'm guessing these are higher up people, maybe some trainers. I doubt they would let the Guaps on the court. But again my dad pulls off a miracle and talks to a bunch of people and in the end they let me on the court.
So I'm shooting around, missing a lot of shots and my mind is just racing. "I'm on the court right now! This is where my favorite team plays!" That's probably why I was missing so much. (Not because I suck.) Franco Finn, the Warriors hype-man wanted to play a game of H-O-R-S-E with me. That went nowhere. I mean neither of us were making shots. After that me and my dad went to the Courtside Club, a place I've walked by but never been in. They had this awesome spread of cheese and crackers. (There was a lot of cheese.) There were meatballs, this weird pasta, fruit, and shrimp. Now, if you don't know I'm allergic to shrimp, but every time there is shrimp I still eat it. And I still suffer. Never mind that because I'm having a great freaking time!
So finally the actual program starts and we go back out to the court. The players are sitting on these chairs in the middle of the court and there is a podium in the center. There's Harrison Barnes, Festus Ezeli, Carl Landry, Kent freakin' Bazemore, Brandon Rush and Steph Curry himself. Now before I continue on, let me just note that in the Bay Steph Curry is like a fucking movie star. Other players are famous, but Steph is on a whole 'nother level. I saw this one girl meet him and she was out of breathe, crying and shit like a Mexican lady who just saw the Virgin Mary under a bridge. Steph had to have two body guards on him at all times. He's like the Ryan Gosling of the basketball world.
My lucky ass gets to sit courtside while the program is going on. (Damn, I was spoiled.) Not only that, I'm sitting next to Steph Curry's wife and daughter. The wife is a certified Milf if there ever was one and his daughter was so adorable. She was getting so excited when the crowd was getting rowdy for Stephen. And while the program was going on Steph would look over to his wife and daughter and wave or point. Since I was sitting next to them it almost felt like he was waving to me! (Not in a gay way. Just in a "Hey, bro. You've been a loyal fan for years. This season was for you.") So Tim Roye started the program and members from the Alameda County and the City of Oakland made some speeches. Oakland's mayor Jean Quan spoke and declared yesterday Warriors Fans Day in Oakland. She got booed in the process and that was hilarious! (She's no Ron Dellums.) After all that the players went up and answered some questions that Tim Roye provided. It was a really good program.
After all that some of the players lingered so I was able to get some pictures with most of them with some autographs on my Warriors playoff t-shirt. I got pictures with everyone with the exception of Steph Curry because security wouldn't let me but I was able to get him to sign my shirt. But all that doesn't matter because I got a picture with Kent freakin' Bazemore. He's probably the greatest bench warmer to ever set foot on an NBA sideline. I got a picture with Festus and I swear that dude could pick me up with one hand like Steph can pick up his daughter. Come to think of it I look like a little boy in all my pictures with the players.
It was an amazing night and I think that might be my peak. There is a possibility that is as good as my life gets. And I'm OK with that. It was a great way to wrap up an amazing season. I'm so proud of my Warriors for giving me something to really proud of. And to top it all off I got to catch the end of the Indiana/Miami game so that was really dope.
Well that's it for my story. I'm going to be posting a lot more this summer and I've already got some things in motion. For starters I have to update my Favorite Warriors Players blog and move Stephen "Movie Star" Curry up even higher. The NBA Finals are coming up so I'm going to be writing about that. I might even update my NBA Finals Losers blog post after the series is all over. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm also planning on doing a top 10 NBA draft classes in honor of the NBA draft. And if you are sick of sports blog post don't worry I got some more Guapo stories for y'all coming up, including a special story to celebrate my blog's one year anniversary on June 9th. You can check out that first post here. Plus a bunch of more stuff is coming your way. Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and on Instagram at CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME. Stalk me on Facebook if you know my real name. Stay tuned and stay Guapo out there!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Ranking the How I Met Your Mother Seasons
Hello everybody! El Guapo is back after a little bit of a break with a new blog post! I know you guys have been yearning for some of this wisdom and I like to think I deliver in a timely fashion. Unfortunately with the school year wrapping up I wasn't able to post. But alas the summer has come and I've blown the cobwebs off my pen and legal pad on got to writing. To be honest I wasn't sure what to write about. I can't help but think that you guys might be getting tired of posts about sports. (I am.) Considered writing about movies but I hadn't seen any good ones recently. (And who wants to read about Oblivion or Evil Dead? No one.) So in the midst of my writers block I decided to tune in to the season finale of one of my favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother. Somewhere along the way I decided to rank the seasons so you're welcome HIMYM fans.
For those who don't know, How I Met Your Mother is basically an old Ted telling his kids the story of how he met his wife and their mother. The show's gone on for 8 seasons now and if I had to give the show a review on the spot I'd give it a solid "Guapo". It's a touching story of Ted Mosby's quest for true love and aren't we all looking for that special gal to call our baby mama? My ideal girl has wide enough birthing hips to give birth to my 8 pound squid baby. (Everyone knows Guapo babies come out the womb with tentacles.) So let's get started with this ranking!
8. Season 6 (Best Episode- Blitzgiving)
This season was by no means a bad one, it was just the least good out of the rest of the seasons. Marshall's dad's death made me super sad. Can anyone really tell me they were a fan of Zoey and keep a straight face? (I can't.) She was kinda hot though, and Katy Perry was too. Plus who doesn't love the Captain. He is the epitome of the man I want to grow to be. The Blitz was also good for laughs. (We all have that one friend who ends up being the Blitz.)
7. Season 7 (Best Episode- Trilogy Time)
I loved Quinn. If Barney had been marrying Quinn instead of Robin I honestly wouldn't be that mad. I'm just glad he didn't end up with Nora. The season finale was great. (Waitforit is still the coolest middle name of all time!) I'm just hung up on the fact that Ted is still hung up on Robin. I mean Jesus, buddy. Her vagina broke! She can't push a squid baby through that thing.
6. Season 8 (Best Episode- P.S. I Love You)
The return of a darker Robin Sparkles! And the Captain is back! I could do without Victoria but at least Robin and Barney are finally together and it looks like it'll be forever! Plus at long last we finally meet the mother. I don't know about you guys but I was getting restless. After years of being teased I was ready for this. Plus that bat shit crazy girl Jeanette was good for a few laughs. And who doesn't love Patrice?
5. Season 2 (Best Episode- Slap Bet)
So many great moments in this season. There's the girl with the crazy eyes, we met Barney's gay, black brother and Lily and Marshall got married. And am I the only one who fantasizes their bachelor party being like Marshall's? (Probably.) This is really where I think the show elevated itself into a great show. Only reason I put this so low on the list is because I'm not a fan of that Ted/Robin combo.
4. Season 1 (Best Episode- The Pineapple Incident)
This is really before the show hit its comedic stride but I couldn't deny it had some great moments. This is the season where we met poor innocent little Ted. Marshall wasn't fat yet. Game Night is still one of my favorite episodes and would be my favorite of this season if it weren't for the genius that is The Pineapple Incident. And up until the season 8 finale I was pushing for the mother to be Mary the Paralegal.
3. Season 5 (Best Episode- Girls vs Suits)
This is actually the very first season I watched in full. I saw this season and fell in love with the show and I had to go back and watch every single season. I loved seeing Robin and Barney together, even if it was only for a few episodes. Plus the Playbook was awesome. I actually bought a copy of it. Can't tell if it works or not though. (It really doesn't, but who cares.) Slapsgiving came back and a grand musical number about suits sung by Barney? Yes, please. There were so many good episodes in this season like the inspirational The Perfect Week and Say Cheese. It was really just a good all round season.
2. Season 3 (Best Episode- Slapsgiving)
How about instead of me listing the episodes I liked I just list the episodes I didn't like... Hold on...Couldn't find any. This is the season when they introduced the Bro Code. (Another book I ended up purchasing at the extinct Borders.) Barney and Robin hooked up for the first time and Ted got a tramp stamp! Plus who can say no to Barney's green St. Patty's Day Suit?
1. Season 4 (Best Episode- The Naked Man)
This is season when How I Met Your Mother hit its prime. I'm not saying the show got progressively worse but it was at its best during season 4. Barney was chasing Robin and Ted got engaged, then left at the alter. (Sad but entertaining.) The Naked Man is still I move I want to do one day. ( Who wouldn't.) And I loved Barney's video resume. To top it all off Barney had sex with his 200th woman. That's a lot.
Alright guys that's enough of my blogging for the month. But I will be back next month and more regularly so you can look forward to that. If for some reason you aren't looking forward to this summer you can always look forward to more Guapo. As always you can follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3. Feel free to stalk me on Facebook Raynesha. And after months of requests I've finally given in and got myself an Instagram. I already grace you guys with my words might as well throw in some free pics while I'm at it. Anywho the name is CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME. Thanks for reading and stay Guapo out there!
For those who don't know, How I Met Your Mother is basically an old Ted telling his kids the story of how he met his wife and their mother. The show's gone on for 8 seasons now and if I had to give the show a review on the spot I'd give it a solid "Guapo". It's a touching story of Ted Mosby's quest for true love and aren't we all looking for that special gal to call our baby mama? My ideal girl has wide enough birthing hips to give birth to my 8 pound squid baby. (Everyone knows Guapo babies come out the womb with tentacles.) So let's get started with this ranking!
8. Season 6 (Best Episode- Blitzgiving)
This season was by no means a bad one, it was just the least good out of the rest of the seasons. Marshall's dad's death made me super sad. Can anyone really tell me they were a fan of Zoey and keep a straight face? (I can't.) She was kinda hot though, and Katy Perry was too. Plus who doesn't love the Captain. He is the epitome of the man I want to grow to be. The Blitz was also good for laughs. (We all have that one friend who ends up being the Blitz.)
7. Season 7 (Best Episode- Trilogy Time)
I loved Quinn. If Barney had been marrying Quinn instead of Robin I honestly wouldn't be that mad. I'm just glad he didn't end up with Nora. The season finale was great. (Waitforit is still the coolest middle name of all time!) I'm just hung up on the fact that Ted is still hung up on Robin. I mean Jesus, buddy. Her vagina broke! She can't push a squid baby through that thing.
6. Season 8 (Best Episode- P.S. I Love You)
The return of a darker Robin Sparkles! And the Captain is back! I could do without Victoria but at least Robin and Barney are finally together and it looks like it'll be forever! Plus at long last we finally meet the mother. I don't know about you guys but I was getting restless. After years of being teased I was ready for this. Plus that bat shit crazy girl Jeanette was good for a few laughs. And who doesn't love Patrice?
5. Season 2 (Best Episode- Slap Bet)
So many great moments in this season. There's the girl with the crazy eyes, we met Barney's gay, black brother and Lily and Marshall got married. And am I the only one who fantasizes their bachelor party being like Marshall's? (Probably.) This is really where I think the show elevated itself into a great show. Only reason I put this so low on the list is because I'm not a fan of that Ted/Robin combo.
4. Season 1 (Best Episode- The Pineapple Incident)
This is really before the show hit its comedic stride but I couldn't deny it had some great moments. This is the season where we met poor innocent little Ted. Marshall wasn't fat yet. Game Night is still one of my favorite episodes and would be my favorite of this season if it weren't for the genius that is The Pineapple Incident. And up until the season 8 finale I was pushing for the mother to be Mary the Paralegal.
3. Season 5 (Best Episode- Girls vs Suits)
This is actually the very first season I watched in full. I saw this season and fell in love with the show and I had to go back and watch every single season. I loved seeing Robin and Barney together, even if it was only for a few episodes. Plus the Playbook was awesome. I actually bought a copy of it. Can't tell if it works or not though. (It really doesn't, but who cares.) Slapsgiving came back and a grand musical number about suits sung by Barney? Yes, please. There were so many good episodes in this season like the inspirational The Perfect Week and Say Cheese. It was really just a good all round season.
2. Season 3 (Best Episode- Slapsgiving)
How about instead of me listing the episodes I liked I just list the episodes I didn't like... Hold on...Couldn't find any. This is the season when they introduced the Bro Code. (Another book I ended up purchasing at the extinct Borders.) Barney and Robin hooked up for the first time and Ted got a tramp stamp! Plus who can say no to Barney's green St. Patty's Day Suit?
1. Season 4 (Best Episode- The Naked Man)
This is season when How I Met Your Mother hit its prime. I'm not saying the show got progressively worse but it was at its best during season 4. Barney was chasing Robin and Ted got engaged, then left at the alter. (Sad but entertaining.) The Naked Man is still I move I want to do one day. ( Who wouldn't.) And I loved Barney's video resume. To top it all off Barney had sex with his 200th woman. That's a lot.
Alright guys that's enough of my blogging for the month. But I will be back next month and more regularly so you can look forward to that. If for some reason you aren't looking forward to this summer you can always look forward to more Guapo. As always you can follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3. Feel free to stalk me on Facebook Raynesha. And after months of requests I've finally given in and got myself an Instagram. I already grace you guys with my words might as well throw in some free pics while I'm at it. Anywho the name is CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME. Thanks for reading and stay Guapo out there!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Happy Warriors Clinch Day!
Hello everybody! Guaps here just wanting to say Happy Warriors Clinch Day! Clinch Day is basically the equivalent of Christmas for kids but much more rare. And better. With today's win the Warriors have officially clinched a spot in the playoffs for just the third time in my life time. The first time was in 1994 and I was just a baby. The second time is the We Believe season back in 2007. I think most Warriors fans will share my sentiment when I say I'm just as relieved as I am joyful. As a Warriors fan I've experienced a lot of hardships and a lot of heartaches. I remember crying as a child when the Warriors were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Those were a lot of tears for a lot of seasons. (You could probably fill up a kiddie pool with those tears.) I don't cry anymore because I'm a grown man but I can admit when the Warriors don't make the playoffs it does make me sad. Not today though! Today I smile!
We have seen terrible injuries and bad exits from some of our favorite players. We have been waiting and we have been waiting years. We have been waiting for this day, for this moment. Our team has been made fun of. Critics have shown a lack of respect for this organization. Not today! Today we are rewarded for our patience and loyalty. Today we experience something special. Today our team is acknowledged and respected. I truly believe the worst is over. From this point on I believe we will make winning a habit. Today We Believe came back. But this time it's not a one season visit. We Believe is back and it's here to stay.
We have seen terrible injuries and bad exits from some of our favorite players. We have been waiting and we have been waiting years. We have been waiting for this day, for this moment. Our team has been made fun of. Critics have shown a lack of respect for this organization. Not today! Today we are rewarded for our patience and loyalty. Today we experience something special. Today our team is acknowledged and respected. I truly believe the worst is over. From this point on I believe we will make winning a habit. Today We Believe came back. But this time it's not a one season visit. We Believe is back and it's here to stay.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
The Ballad of Raynesha
Hello all! Guapo here with another edition of Infinite Wisdom. I'm sure you guys are all getting ready for St. Patrick's Day tomorrow. While you guys go out and get fucked up, I'll be in my dorm celebrating the life of a wonderful saint. For those of you who don't know, Saint Patrick was a bishop in Ireland in the 4th century and I guess people there really liked him. (I skimmed the Wikipedia page.) In all honestly the Guaps doesn't have anything planned tomorrow so unless somebody has a better plan I'll probably have a movie marathon on Netflix while "eating a sandwich".
I'm guessing y'all are thinking, "Hmm, Guapo's life seems kinda boring. I guess not much goes on in his life." It's true sometimes I go through long periods of time without having anything interesting happen to me. Yes, even someone like El Guapo lives the life of an average American from time to time. But I kind of prefer it that way sometimes because the alternative would be going through another "Raynesha" experience. Sometimes I'll reference Raynesha and some people have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, I'm about to tell you the story of Raynesha. I still have nightmares about her but I do this because I love you guys.
This took place March of 2012. Basically a year ago. I have a friend who makes hardcore music and he invited me to one of his shows in Castro Valley. I'm not a fan of that type of music but I came out to support my friend. (How sweet of me!) The event was called the Burrito Bro-Down. Let me just say this: If the title of the event is Burrito Bro-Down I can only assume that the burrito comes along with the price of admission. No! That was not the case. I had to pay for admission AND for my burrito. I basically bought one burrito for the price of two. And it's not like it was one of the best burritos I've ever had. My mind wasn't blown away by the tastiness of the burrito.
So I'm watching the show eating my overpriced burrito and I'm noticing the hardcore dancing. For those who've never been to one of these shows, basically you got a lot of people running around and colliding with each other while also pretending to punch midgets. Personally I prefer twerking it with a girl with a big booty but to each his own. Anyway, amongst the crowd of midget punchers I see a portly black lady falling over whenever someone runs into her and high fiving everyone she sees. When I'm getting ready to leave and head home some dude asks me if I can give this lady a ride back home because she lives in Oakland and everyone else lives in either in Castro Valley or San Leandro. I'm looking at this lady and I'm feeling kind of bad for her so I ask her what part of Oakland she's from. She tells me East Oakland, which is kind of vague but I was making sure I wouldn't have to drive to West Oakland. (Such an awful place.)
The route from Castro Valley to Oakland is the 580 freeway. (The better of the two freeways that run through Oakland.) When you reach Oakland you start in Deep East Oakland and make your way towards West Oakland. This is just some information in case you need a reference point. So we are on the freeway and I'm asking the lady some questions to make small talk. The lady's name was Raynesha and spoiler alert, she's a fucking weirdo. So the first thing I learned is that she got to the show by taking a bus and walking to the venue. That's a long ass commute for a local show. And she rambles on about how she does this a lot by herself. In fact, she does a lot of things by herself like going to the movies and going to the park and so on. Apparently she invites her friends and they always say no. She's also 29 and living with her parents because her parents don't want her to be out on her own. The more she goes on the more sorry I feel for her.
Those feelings of compassion don't last very long. When we reach the Oakland city limits I tell her to let me know when we reach her exit. She glosses over that and notices that I have The Chronic playing in my car and begins to describe frame by frame what happens in the "Dre Day" music video. I've seen the music video and what she was describing was nothing like the video. At this point I'm also noticing that she's speaking really very slowly and oddly. She would say things like, "And then... they see... they see the guy... and then the guy... he walks that way..." I could only assume she was either on drugs or something so I ask her. She replies by saying, "Do... Do I look... like I'm on... on drugs?" Yes. Yes, she did look like she was on drugs but I wasn't about to say shit because at this point I was kind of scared of her. Especially after she told me loves to watch documentaries about serial killers and keeps a journal about her favorite ones. And when I say "favorite ones" I'm not talking about documentaries, I'm talking about serial killers.
I'm getting kind of freaked out at this point and I've realized that we are almost leaving East Oakland and getting closer to downtown. I point this out to Raynesha and she tells me to get off at the next random exit. From there she just points to streets for me to turn on, dropping little nuggets of information in between the directions such as how her parents were racist towards Hispanics and would kill me on sight. These aren't things you tell to a person giving you a ride to make them feel comfortable. I'm debating in my mind if I should drop her off at a corner or something because I'm fearing for my life. Plus, it didn't seem like she knew where she lived. I decided against it and eventually we did get to her place. Now, we exited the freeway close to downtown. Her house was all the way back by the colosseum. We had passed that freeway exit maybe 12 exits before. So we get to her place and it's in a pretty bad neighborhood, worse than mine maybe. She goes on to thank me for being such a nice guy for giving her a ride and I'm just trying to get her to leave my car so I can get out of there. But first she has to check her purse to make sure she has everything. She's fumbling through her bag very slowly so immediately I'm thinking I'm about to get jacked. I start praying in my mind but it was unneeded because she wasn't going to rob me. She finally exits my car and I book it. I head home just thanking God that I will never have to see or hear that person ever again.
Wrong! She gets my number and starts texting me and calling me. When she texts she uses numbers in place of letters. For example instead of "What's up" she texted "Wut5 u6". First of all, she's 29 and she's texting like a 6th grader from Oakland. Second, it's extremely inconvenient to write like that so she's going out of her way to text badly. Naturally I ignore her calls and texts in hopes that after a few days she gets the point and leaves me alone. That doesn't happen. (My assumptions are usually pretty off.) Weeks go by and then months go by with me receiving either a call or a text from this psycho almost everyday. And this is happening at the same time that the religious cult-like club from Chabot was harassing me and trying to save my soul. (Another story for another time.) Finally one summer afternoon she left a voice-mail for the first time saying something about how she's looking for me and that she will find me eventually. I think that was the last time she tried contacting me and that was five months after I met her. So is the Ballad of Raynesha over? Right now, I'd like to think so. But I've been wrong before.
So that's the story of Raynesha. I hope nothing like that ever happens to any of you. The obvious moral or the story is if you ever feel like doing something nice for a stranger, don't. Like my mom always told me, "Stranger Danger." She also told me that if I took candy from a stranger and he kidnapped me that she wouldn't look for me. So next Saturday is my 20th birthday! Yeah, the Guaps will have been alive for two decades. Basically a 20th birthday starts the one year countdown until the 21st birthday so I'm excited for that. Don't feel like you guys need to get me anything. You reading my wonderful blog is enough. However if you really feel like giving me a present you could tell all your friends to check out this blog. The next time your friend is rambling on about how her mom is in the hospital after some car accident causally slip in a "Check out guapoknowsall.blogspot.com". Have a great and Guapo St. Patty's Day and and enjoy the rest of your week. Stay Guapo out there!
I'm guessing y'all are thinking, "Hmm, Guapo's life seems kinda boring. I guess not much goes on in his life." It's true sometimes I go through long periods of time without having anything interesting happen to me. Yes, even someone like El Guapo lives the life of an average American from time to time. But I kind of prefer it that way sometimes because the alternative would be going through another "Raynesha" experience. Sometimes I'll reference Raynesha and some people have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, I'm about to tell you the story of Raynesha. I still have nightmares about her but I do this because I love you guys.
This took place March of 2012. Basically a year ago. I have a friend who makes hardcore music and he invited me to one of his shows in Castro Valley. I'm not a fan of that type of music but I came out to support my friend. (How sweet of me!) The event was called the Burrito Bro-Down. Let me just say this: If the title of the event is Burrito Bro-Down I can only assume that the burrito comes along with the price of admission. No! That was not the case. I had to pay for admission AND for my burrito. I basically bought one burrito for the price of two. And it's not like it was one of the best burritos I've ever had. My mind wasn't blown away by the tastiness of the burrito.
The route from Castro Valley to Oakland is the 580 freeway. (The better of the two freeways that run through Oakland.) When you reach Oakland you start in Deep East Oakland and make your way towards West Oakland. This is just some information in case you need a reference point. So we are on the freeway and I'm asking the lady some questions to make small talk. The lady's name was Raynesha and spoiler alert, she's a fucking weirdo. So the first thing I learned is that she got to the show by taking a bus and walking to the venue. That's a long ass commute for a local show. And she rambles on about how she does this a lot by herself. In fact, she does a lot of things by herself like going to the movies and going to the park and so on. Apparently she invites her friends and they always say no. She's also 29 and living with her parents because her parents don't want her to be out on her own. The more she goes on the more sorry I feel for her.
Those feelings of compassion don't last very long. When we reach the Oakland city limits I tell her to let me know when we reach her exit. She glosses over that and notices that I have The Chronic playing in my car and begins to describe frame by frame what happens in the "Dre Day" music video. I've seen the music video and what she was describing was nothing like the video. At this point I'm also noticing that she's speaking really very slowly and oddly. She would say things like, "And then... they see... they see the guy... and then the guy... he walks that way..." I could only assume she was either on drugs or something so I ask her. She replies by saying, "Do... Do I look... like I'm on... on drugs?" Yes. Yes, she did look like she was on drugs but I wasn't about to say shit because at this point I was kind of scared of her. Especially after she told me loves to watch documentaries about serial killers and keeps a journal about her favorite ones. And when I say "favorite ones" I'm not talking about documentaries, I'm talking about serial killers.
I'm getting kind of freaked out at this point and I've realized that we are almost leaving East Oakland and getting closer to downtown. I point this out to Raynesha and she tells me to get off at the next random exit. From there she just points to streets for me to turn on, dropping little nuggets of information in between the directions such as how her parents were racist towards Hispanics and would kill me on sight. These aren't things you tell to a person giving you a ride to make them feel comfortable. I'm debating in my mind if I should drop her off at a corner or something because I'm fearing for my life. Plus, it didn't seem like she knew where she lived. I decided against it and eventually we did get to her place. Now, we exited the freeway close to downtown. Her house was all the way back by the colosseum. We had passed that freeway exit maybe 12 exits before. So we get to her place and it's in a pretty bad neighborhood, worse than mine maybe. She goes on to thank me for being such a nice guy for giving her a ride and I'm just trying to get her to leave my car so I can get out of there. But first she has to check her purse to make sure she has everything. She's fumbling through her bag very slowly so immediately I'm thinking I'm about to get jacked. I start praying in my mind but it was unneeded because she wasn't going to rob me. She finally exits my car and I book it. I head home just thanking God that I will never have to see or hear that person ever again.
Wrong! She gets my number and starts texting me and calling me. When she texts she uses numbers in place of letters. For example instead of "What's up" she texted "Wut5 u6". First of all, she's 29 and she's texting like a 6th grader from Oakland. Second, it's extremely inconvenient to write like that so she's going out of her way to text badly. Naturally I ignore her calls and texts in hopes that after a few days she gets the point and leaves me alone. That doesn't happen. (My assumptions are usually pretty off.) Weeks go by and then months go by with me receiving either a call or a text from this psycho almost everyday. And this is happening at the same time that the religious cult-like club from Chabot was harassing me and trying to save my soul. (Another story for another time.) Finally one summer afternoon she left a voice-mail for the first time saying something about how she's looking for me and that she will find me eventually. I think that was the last time she tried contacting me and that was five months after I met her. So is the Ballad of Raynesha over? Right now, I'd like to think so. But I've been wrong before.
So that's the story of Raynesha. I hope nothing like that ever happens to any of you. The obvious moral or the story is if you ever feel like doing something nice for a stranger, don't. Like my mom always told me, "Stranger Danger." She also told me that if I took candy from a stranger and he kidnapped me that she wouldn't look for me. So next Saturday is my 20th birthday! Yeah, the Guaps will have been alive for two decades. Basically a 20th birthday starts the one year countdown until the 21st birthday so I'm excited for that. Don't feel like you guys need to get me anything. You reading my wonderful blog is enough. However if you really feel like giving me a present you could tell all your friends to check out this blog. The next time your friend is rambling on about how her mom is in the hospital after some car accident causally slip in a "Check out guapoknowsall.blogspot.com". Have a great and Guapo St. Patty's Day and and enjoy the rest of your week. Stay Guapo out there!
Friday, March 1, 2013
My 10 Favorite Warriors Players (Version 1.5)
Surprise, surprise El Guapo is back with another post so soon. I actually wasn't planning on writing anything for a while but my hand was pretty much forced. See, this isn't really a new post. If you've been keeping up with my blog you know I already wrote about my favorite players to ever play for the Warriors. (Chances are you probably loved it.) At the time that I wrote it I was completely satisfied with the list, but Wednesday night something profound happened. Steph Curry went for 54 in Madison Square Garden hitting 11 three-pointers. 54. Sure we lost but still Steph's amazing game shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm sure a lot of people out there are thinking, "Wow, this guy wasn't an all star?" And to be fair I looked back at one of my blog posts I wrote back in October before the season began and I realized that my blog wasn't doing Stephen Curry justice. So I've returned to make things right and give you my latest version of my favorite Warriors list.
10. Mickael Pietrus (2003-2008)
Oh, Mickael, you lovable French bastard. Always full of personality. I remember when I first found out he was French the first thing that came to my mind was, "Why is he black then?" I was so young and naive. Anyway, this dude was a corner three specialist. He played some defense and dunked it every now and then, but his spot was that corner.
9. Kelenna Azubuike (2007-2010)
The Warriors have had a habit of picking up players from the D-League. All the time. Some of them have worked out (e.g. Reggie Williams) and some haven't (e.g. Chris Hunter). Kelenna definitely worked out for us. He was never a star or anything like that but he was consistent.
8. Al Harrington (2007-2008)
I'm not super crazy about this guy, but without him the Warriors wouldn't have had that amazing We Believe season. He came to us in a trade that shipped away Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy (Thank God!), hit a bunch of threes for us, then a year and a half later decided he wanted to leave. Last time I checked he's playing for Orlando Magic and I saw him on Attack of the Show. That's not too bad, I guess.
7. Andris Biedrins (2004-Present)
Honestly I want to put 2004-2009. I don't know what the fuck this guy is doing with his life anymore. I guess he just lost all confidence. Either way for a good 5 year span he was a consistent double-double kind of guy. At this point of his career though he's happy to get to touch the ball 2 times a game.
6. David Lee (2010-Present)
Not the most exciting player to watch but he puts up numbers. He goes out there and gets those rebounds and finishes. Pretty skilled big man, but I just wish he'd add some flare every now and then. And if you've been keeping up with this blog you know how much I love flare. This season he's been a walking 20-10 kind of guy. He's proven to be one of the most dominant big men in the league. (It's not like Andrew Bogut has gotten off his lazy ass to help David out either.) To top it off he was selected to the All Star team this year becoming the first Warrior since Latrell Sprewell back in 1997. He was this close to being moved up the list but I need a little something more from him.
5. Stephen Jackson (2007-2009)
Captain Jack! You can't not love this guy and his fast break threes. We got him in the same trade that got us Al Harrington and helped the Warriors in their playoff run. This guy was dynamite in a Warriors' uniform. The dude hit 7 threes in game 6 of the first round of the playoffs against the Mavs, who we beat, and he did that shit with flash. Every now and then Nellie had him run the point, and every now and then he would deliver. Sure you can complain that he was constantly getting hit with technicals, sure he thought he was better than what he actually was, sure he fired a gun outside a strip club and was involved in Malice in the Palace, and yes he did leave the Warriors on bad terms, but that's what made him such an exciting player. Currently he's back with the Spurs AND he's a rapper. Talk about moving up in life.
10. Mickael Pietrus (2003-2008)
Oh, Mickael, you lovable French bastard. Always full of personality. I remember when I first found out he was French the first thing that came to my mind was, "Why is he black then?" I was so young and naive. Anyway, this dude was a corner three specialist. He played some defense and dunked it every now and then, but his spot was that corner.
9. Kelenna Azubuike (2007-2010)
The Warriors have had a habit of picking up players from the D-League. All the time. Some of them have worked out (e.g. Reggie Williams) and some haven't (e.g. Chris Hunter). Kelenna definitely worked out for us. He was never a star or anything like that but he was consistent.
8. Al Harrington (2007-2008)
I'm not super crazy about this guy, but without him the Warriors wouldn't have had that amazing We Believe season. He came to us in a trade that shipped away Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy (Thank God!), hit a bunch of threes for us, then a year and a half later decided he wanted to leave. Last time I checked he's playing for Orlando Magic and I saw him on Attack of the Show. That's not too bad, I guess.
7. Andris Biedrins (2004-Present)
Honestly I want to put 2004-2009. I don't know what the fuck this guy is doing with his life anymore. I guess he just lost all confidence. Either way for a good 5 year span he was a consistent double-double kind of guy. At this point of his career though he's happy to get to touch the ball 2 times a game.
6. David Lee (2010-Present)
5. Stephen Jackson (2007-2009)
Captain Jack! You can't not love this guy and his fast break threes. We got him in the same trade that got us Al Harrington and helped the Warriors in their playoff run. This guy was dynamite in a Warriors' uniform. The dude hit 7 threes in game 6 of the first round of the playoffs against the Mavs, who we beat, and he did that shit with flash. Every now and then Nellie had him run the point, and every now and then he would deliver. Sure you can complain that he was constantly getting hit with technicals, sure he thought he was better than what he actually was, sure he fired a gun outside a strip club and was involved in Malice in the Palace, and yes he did leave the Warriors on bad terms, but that's what made him such an exciting player. Currently he's back with the Spurs AND he's a rapper. Talk about moving up in life.
4. Stephen Curry (2009-Present)
Young Steph Curry is a nice player indeed. He has that range, he has those handles, and he can dish the ball too. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he won the Skills Challenge during the All-Star break once. (I just checked Wikipedia. I'm right.) I just love watching this guy play. This will be his first full year without Monta Ellis so this is basically his team now. Only problem is he has weak ankles. Okay, let me start off by apologizing to Steph for putting him behind Captain Jack the first time around. I still love Jack but I really fucked up. Steph Curry has been playing like an All Star and yet he was still snubbed. (Those bastards!) Not only that, but he's been leading the Warriors to a winning season. And then came the 54 point night. That's some shit you get from franchise players and Curry is a franchise player. I knew I had to move him up the list. Considered putting him above Baron Davis but it was Baron who led us to that We Believe season. Steph hasn't led us to the playoffs...yet. We'll see if I move him up when the season is over.
3. Baron Davis (2005-2008)
Baron. After all these years I just want to say that I forgive you. It took a while, but then I got to reminiscing about the good old days. He was out there rocking the full beard before James Harden decided to do it. At his peak with the Warriors I could say he was easily one of the top 5 point guards in the league. Easily. He could do no wrong. He had them handles, he threw those dimes, he had that flash and most of all he was clutch. You might not know this, but they sometimes call me Crunch Time Guapo and everything I learned about being clutch I learned it from him. This dude was fucking sick. When he made those alley-oop connections with J-Rich it was like watching art. And every now and then he would come in with that slam dunk. He put the team on his back during the We Believe season, and for that I'm forever grateful. Then, before the 08-09 season, Baron decided to leave the Warriors and join the Clippers. Yes, the fucking Clippers. And not the Black Griffin/Chris Paul-having Clippers, I'm talking about the Chris-Kaman-Is-The-Best-Player-They-Have Clippers. But like I said, I have finally forgiven you.
2. Monta Ellis (2005-2012)
It was sad to see him go last season. I basically watched him grow up on the basketball court. His relationship with the Warriors was kind of like a roller coaster. He got that "Most Improved Player" during his second season, the same season we beat the Mavs, and I think we all knew he was going to be a really good player. But then he decides to ride a moped and fucks up his ankle pretty badly. (Dumbass!) But the kid comes back right where he left off and better. Even after the ankle injury this guy was one of the fastest players in the league. He was a pure scorer. If he only knows how to do one thing, it's putting the ball in the basket. He's done amazing moves so effortlessly (with flare), where as when I attempt them I usually pull a hammy. Yet every single year he was snubbed from the All-Star team. Every single goddamn year! (Seriously, how was Chris Kaman an all star guys?) Hopefully he can get a spot now that he's in Milwaukee.
1. Jason Richardson (2001-2007)
J-Rich. Probably the most exciting player to watch as a Warrior. Back to back Slam Dunk Champion. Even when I was a small lad I would watch the games just to see this guy dunk. He doesn't do much of that now over in Philly, but in his prime this dude got up there. And he wouldn't just settle for for a simple dunk. J-Rich would say, "Not today!" and windmill that shit. And if not he'd do a 360. Why not? J-Rich was the epitome of flare. Then when Baron Davis came in J-Rich said, "Let's just alley-oop it every time." Somewhere along the way he started hitting threes. Now, that's all he does. For me, Jason Richardson is by far the most memorable player to play for the Warriors.
3. Baron Davis (2005-2008)
Baron. After all these years I just want to say that I forgive you. It took a while, but then I got to reminiscing about the good old days. He was out there rocking the full beard before James Harden decided to do it. At his peak with the Warriors I could say he was easily one of the top 5 point guards in the league. Easily. He could do no wrong. He had them handles, he threw those dimes, he had that flash and most of all he was clutch. You might not know this, but they sometimes call me Crunch Time Guapo and everything I learned about being clutch I learned it from him. This dude was fucking sick. When he made those alley-oop connections with J-Rich it was like watching art. And every now and then he would come in with that slam dunk. He put the team on his back during the We Believe season, and for that I'm forever grateful. Then, before the 08-09 season, Baron decided to leave the Warriors and join the Clippers. Yes, the fucking Clippers. And not the Black Griffin/Chris Paul-having Clippers, I'm talking about the Chris-Kaman-Is-The-Best-Player-They-Have Clippers. But like I said, I have finally forgiven you.
2. Monta Ellis (2005-2012)
It was sad to see him go last season. I basically watched him grow up on the basketball court. His relationship with the Warriors was kind of like a roller coaster. He got that "Most Improved Player" during his second season, the same season we beat the Mavs, and I think we all knew he was going to be a really good player. But then he decides to ride a moped and fucks up his ankle pretty badly. (Dumbass!) But the kid comes back right where he left off and better. Even after the ankle injury this guy was one of the fastest players in the league. He was a pure scorer. If he only knows how to do one thing, it's putting the ball in the basket. He's done amazing moves so effortlessly (with flare), where as when I attempt them I usually pull a hammy. Yet every single year he was snubbed from the All-Star team. Every single goddamn year! (Seriously, how was Chris Kaman an all star guys?) Hopefully he can get a spot now that he's in Milwaukee.
1. Jason Richardson (2001-2007)
J-Rich. Probably the most exciting player to watch as a Warrior. Back to back Slam Dunk Champion. Even when I was a small lad I would watch the games just to see this guy dunk. He doesn't do much of that now over in Philly, but in his prime this dude got up there. And he wouldn't just settle for for a simple dunk. J-Rich would say, "Not today!" and windmill that shit. And if not he'd do a 360. Why not? J-Rich was the epitome of flare. Then when Baron Davis came in J-Rich said, "Let's just alley-oop it every time." Somewhere along the way he started hitting threes. Now, that's all he does. For me, Jason Richardson is by far the most memorable player to play for the Warriors.
Alright guys that's the end of the blog. Yes, I copied and pasted most of it from my last blog but this was more of a bonus post than anything. Consider it a gift. Stay tuned for more original blog posts that are coming up soon. Have a good night and stay Guapo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)