Top 25 Jake & Amir Episodes

Hello everybody and welcome back to Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  I know, I know.  It's been a while.  But I'm back and I appreciate the patience.  I've actually had a couple of topics that I wanted to cover, both on this blog and my NBA blog, Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  But I wanted to write this one before it was too late.  The amazingly funny web series on College Humor, "Jake and Amir" has come to an end.  This web series starring Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld has been a staple at College Humor for over eight years and over 750 episodes.  Rumor has it that the show will be reformatted for TBS.  I hope that's true because "Jake and Amir" is amazing.  I started watching this show about 5 or 6 years ago.  (The first episode I saw was most likely "Notified".)  Since then, Tuesday is the day I look forward to a new "Jake and Amir".  This tandem has been through three offices, has been on the Bang Bus, Los Angeles vacations, been involved in love triangles that end in bus accidents, have encountered Rick Fox, have made 7 March Madness brackets and though it all have remained the most fascinating duo on the web.  Somehow after 750 episodes they have managed to maintain some level of comedic excellence.  Their brilliance has relied on some of the most memorable and quotable lines with call backs and recurring creeping in to create a mixture of nostalgia and fresh comedy.  Though Amir is usually the oddball against Jake's straight man, both have had their moments to shine.  They've needed each other and when things are clicking, "Jake & Amir" is like a well-run laugh generator.

So in honor of the web series I've decided to countdown their 25 best shorts.  Over the last month I have seen hundreds of "J&A" episodes trying to narrow it down to the very best.  I first attempted to do 10, however I couldn't let a lot of these amazingly funny episodes go unnoticed.  So I settled on 25.  I've chosen the episodes that I thought were the most hilarious and that represented the elements that make this web series so great.  A few rules that I made before we start: 1) The finale episodes are not in contention.  2) Neither is the 30 minute short "Fired".  3.)  "The Ben Shwartz Rule".  Basically I've only allowed one Ben Shwartz episode on this list.  Otherwise we would get a countdown consisting of almost only Ben Shwartz shorts.  Also, since his episodes usually come in twos, I combined his entries into one episode.  (If your confused, keep reading.  You'll get it when we get there.)  So without further delay, here my favorite "Jake & Amir" episodes along with my favorite quote of the episode.

25. Mirror Image

Favorite Line: "You're clearly beginning to talk after I..."
Let's kick this countdown off with a short one.  "Mirror Image" is only a minute long and has very little dialogue but words aren't always needed.  What starts as a coincidence with Jake and Amir sneezing at the same time turns into Amir mimicking Jake's every move, until Jake gets the better of him!

24. YouTube

Favorite Line: "But that's it. It's over!  Go home, bitch!"
Here's Amir at his best: a false sense of entitlement, the ability to rub his coworkers the wrong way and a little dance to tie it all together.  Streeter plays off Amir perfectly here, and though Jake is only onscreen at the very end, he makes his screen time count.

23. Business Ideas

Favorite Line: "Wait 'til you hear the name: Tick Dicklers!"
This episode features one of my favorite formats, which I'll just call "the couch".  These are the episodes where Amir rattles off his ideas to an uninterested, yet highly critical Jake.  This includes episodes like "Movie Pitches", "App Ideas" and "Bucket List".  This beats out the rest, if anything, because of Amir's jingles.

22: 30th Birthday

Favorite Line: "Dear Amir, I hope you're not alive to read this:"
I'm going to start addressing my letters the same way.  I love seeing Amir read off his letters from the past.  Who knew 12 year-olds can be soon cruel?  (I was.) Plus, I love it when Amir talks about his awful, cowardly dad.  The cherry on top was the Doobs reference.  (More on Doobs later.)

21. Rolex

Favorite Line: "Call me Jake."
Amir is obsessed with Jake.  The feeling is not mutual.  Action!  A freaked out Jake is the second-best type of Jake.  That kind of Jake has some of the best reactions.  Unrelated note:  the "beefing soy" line is a prime example of a call back line and a new joke being blended perfectly.

20. Beeper

Favorite Line:  "Nurse is livid!  Just crying in the corner because I've been shitting myself non-stop, which sounds standard, but it's not."
I love episodes that feature Amir telling Jake a ridiculous story about his weekend.  No one does a better job of describing such a gut-wrenching story in vivid detail.  Amir's toddler-like whining at the beginning is a bonus.

19. Rap Teacher 3

Favorite Line: "Better or worse?  Specify, you stupid shit!"
Hoodie Allen episodes are usually pretty funny, but the best one is definitely the last one.  Here, Amir and Hoodie are in the studio recording their track about how cold aardvark cum is.  (Who comes up with this shit?)  In the midst of freezing aardvark semen rap, Jake manages somehow to be the weird one.

18. Table Read

Favorite Line: "He was improvising!"
I couldn't go without at least one Murph video.  The sight of a fearful Jake in Murph's presence is golden but my favorite short features a jealous Murph at a table read.  But even without Murph, Amir's ridiculous script is enough to get this clip on the list.  I nearly had a heart attack when I first heard the queefing bit.

17. Survey

Favorite Line: "Just say, go fuck yourself."
It's hard to imagine anybody respecting Amir, but I guess his cousin does.  Amir's rap was one of the worst things I've ever heard.  (I guess he's better when Hoodie is coaching him.)  And Pat coming in to complain about Amir throwing a lit match on him while Pat was taking a dump brought the video full circle.

16. Secret Santa 

Favorite Line:  "Then I wouldn't get a gift!"
If you can sit through Amir asking if he could talk without interruption from Jake and not fall out of your seat you might not understand how comedy works.  Again we get so see a grown adult break into tears because he didn't get what he wants.  The sequel to "Secret Santa" is also funny, but the first is clearly the best.

15. Prom

Favorite Line: "Moo cow, moo!"
One of my favorite running gags is Amir showing up inexplicably late to work.  Here Amir has a diabolical plan to show up to a high school prom to pour a gallon of milk on a girl.  This prompts Jake to ask Amir to dinner in another great callback.  ("Dinner tonight" was a phrase often used by Amir in the early episodes.)  Any time I hear the phrase, "Mikey, my friend!" my ears perk up in excitement.

14. Mouse Trap

Favorite Line:  "It sounds like you just broke into an apartment and ate mouse shit off a glue trap."
Here Amir is kind of asking Jake for legal advise.  After breaking into an apartment and getting caught in a mouse trap, which Amir calls a "human cheese trap", Amir wants to know if he has a case against the "a-holes who lured me into their apartment and hurt me."

13. Olympics

Favorite Line:  "Shit happened!  Life got in the way!"
Did anyone else follow @USARice on Twitter?  I loved the fact that that account was kept updated for a good period of time.  I also loved Jake's "Where do you get confidence?" line.  All around funny episode from beginning to end.

12. New Voice

Favorite Line: "No!  No!  You're saying that because that's what you want."
See!  Amir isn't the only immature one in this duo.  The fact they had this elementary school conversation in the same low voice just spits me up.  And Jake's dick move to refuse to clarify for people that he stole Amir's voice is classic douchebag Jake.  Speaking of which...

11. Muscle Tee

Favorite Line:  "A sleeveless shirt for this piece of dirt makes that sweet pussy go squirt!"
Douchebag Jake is also a very insecure Jake.  I like to call these type of episodes "Jake Tries New Things".  This includes "Chin Strap Beard", "Corduroy Pants" and "Vest".  Out of these types of episodes, "Muscle Tee" stands out the most because of Jake squirting out, what appears to be cum, from his mouth.

10. Halloween Costumes

Favorite Line: "Pros: It's cute, I can pee in it."
This can be classified as a "couch" video.  The fact that Jake has been planning Amir's funeral when Amir shows up out of nowhere is straight comedy.  Additionally we get to see Amir struggle to make a corn costume joke.

9. Date Ideas

Favorite Line: "The first woman you were inside of and you didn't even call her.  Now, that's baller!"
I shadow box in my room out of excitement whenever I see Amir unravel a scroll.  Scroll videos are simply the best.  I had a plethora to choose from.  "Chugging" is a favorite of mine and "Fourth of July Scroll" is also a gem worth considering.  But this one had it all.  The scroll was perfect down to taking your mother on a date.  (The entry that ended in my favorite line.)  Amir using Jake's name on the scroll was also a nice touch and the comedy doesn't end when the scroll does.  The laughs keep coming when Amir utters, "Thoughts on the list?"  And if I needed another excuse to rank this the best scroll video, this scroll has a treasure map.

8. Snakebite

Favorite Line:  "Dumbass went for it.  And got it."
In this episode Amir is at work with a number of snakebites on his body.  Turns out he tried to domesticate a wild snake and starved it.  He then taunted the hungry snake by dancing around when dead mice on his body.  Jake responds by pretending Amir is now deaf.

7. Treats

Favorite Line:  "Are you f***king crazy!?  You think I'm going to wipe you?"
Jake finds Amir asleep on the toilet with the door open.  Amir for some reason tries to lie about this.  A funny episode from beginning to end , when Amir confidently asks Jake to wipe him.

6. Talent Show

Favorite Line: "The world's first non-Filipino talent show."
There was a sequel to this video which was also funny, but didn't match the level the first one did.  For some reason, the fact that this talent show excluded only Filipinos really cracked me up, and I have lots of Filipino friends.  I especially love Amir taking Jake's impending insult as a compliment.

5. Doobs 3

Favorite Line:  "Is he dead yet?  Or is it not that type of intervention?"
Thomas Middleditch has played the role of Doobs four times.  He is easily the second best recurring character on the show.  Two running gags make Doobs episodes as funny as they are: 1) his name is Penis Anthony Doobli(can't spell it), yet to make fun of him Amir calls him Doobs.  2)  Doobs always has to mention Amir's dad and his impossibly skinny legs.  "Doobs 2" is also a must-see but I give it to Doobs 3 if anything because Penis changed his name to Penis Dickling the Goose.  (He then makes a wolf howl.)

4. Celebration

Favorite Line:  "Shit on ya!"
Amir is a really weird guy.  He doesn't know how to do math, he doesn't know how to brush his teeth, and he doesn't know how to celebrate.  Jake and Amir pull a prank on Rosie and out of this comes Amir at his finest.  I'd like to see him win the lottery.

3. Interrogator (Part 1 & 2)

Favorite Line:  "That was illegal, man!  That was illegal!  I didn't want that!"
Here's where I apply the Ben Shwartz rule.  He's by far the funniest recurring guest and while watching one episode alone is still hilarious, I'd suggest watching them all in chronological order.  All Ben Shwartz videos feature these key components: 1) Ben has a new occupation each time, whether he's a mountain hiker or H.R. guy.  2) Ben is terrible at coming up with new names like Cherry Dude.  3)  After this video Jake always remembered Ben as the guy who sucked his dick.  That's probably why I picked this episode over all the other Shwartz videos.  When it first happened I was blown away.  (Not literally.)  It was brazen and it was jaw-dropping and I could not contain myself.  Even without watching the video I can remember the scene and immediately cackle out loud.

2. Normal Conversation

Favorite Line:  "Refresh my memory."
Two things to note here:  I love the recurring joke that Amir's friends have such weird names.  Den isn't the weirdest one I've heard, that would probably go to Larence(?), but it's up there.  The other thing I like here is Amir's habit of interrupting Jake mid-sentence.  This one is an all time favorite that has never failed to make me laugh.  I do wish we could have seen more of Den.  He was hysterical in the few seconds he was on.

1. New Shirt

Favorite Line:  "Fine!  I got it at Forever 21!  Okay?  Are you happy now?  Forever 21!  There's a unisex section, upstairs!"
My absolute favorite episode of all time.  You can disagree with me, but then you'd be wrong.  No episode has been able to keep me in stitches from beginning to end like this one.  Most episodes I watch give me a collection of laughs through the various goofs throughout, but for "New Shirt" it was one long continuous laugh.  I'm not even sure if that's healthy.  "Say, I know you know," is a close contender for my favorite line of the clip.  But so were most of the lines being said as Jake and Amir yelled over each other.  One of the best things about this web series has been the hilarious dialogue and this episode is almost entirely that.  I could play this clip in strictly audio form and it would stand on its own.  Jake and Amir didn't need the help of any special guests except Pat at the very end, which just speaks to the amazing chemistry these comedic juggernauts have.

That's all the time we have my readers.  This was a long post, but believe me, it took even longer to write it.  I literally watched hundreds of clips over the last few weeks to complete this list.  Did I finish by the show's finally?  Absolutely not!  But deadlines aren't really my strong suit.  Neither is grammar.  But if you can get past its lateness (just like you'll get past the lateness of my upcoming Furious 7 review) you can hopefully enjoy this post as much as I liked writing it.  Make sure you follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3.  I'm also on Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  If you happen to be on Snapchat then add Crunchtimemario.  I'm on Tumblr at sirelguapo.tumblr.com.  If you want to read more of my blogs make sure you check out Infinite Wisdom On the NBA, my basketball blog.  And finally, I just created a Facebook page which you can check out here.  Make sure to like my page for new posts.  Thank you for reading and stay Guapo out there!

Dark Sky Paradise Album Review

I fucks with Big Sean.  He's one of my favorite rappers in the game right now.  Depending on who you I was put on Sean's game early or late.  My boy, Smokey, put me on game senior year in high school.  He had Big Sean's mixtape, Finally Famous Vol. 3: Big, burned to a CD and played it in his car.  That mixtape became one of my most frequent listens that year, along with Kanye's My Dark Twisted Beautiful Fantasy, and is among my three favorite mixtapes of all time.  Big Sean's wittiness was at an all time high.  The songs were fun to listen to; Big Sean had an array of quotables.  His ad lib game was strong.  It was Big Sean's finest moment.  Later on that year I went to a Big Sean concert with my friends Smokey and Tim.  Non-Sean-related highlights from the concert: my introduction to the greatest rap group since Run-DMC, TPE, and Bobby Brackins throwing a tantrum during his set.  But besides that, when Big Sean eventually arrived (we had to sit through hours of nameless acts rapping and cooking like Lil B) he treated us to quite the show.  I went back and downloaded his two earlier mixtapes, and although they both had their sweet spots, neither were able to match the awesomeness of Sean's third installment of the Finally Famous trilogy.  But I was looking towards the future and from my perspective it looked bright.

The week his first album, Finally Famous, came out I headed to Rasputin to get a CD copy.   (For all his wittiness Big Sean couldn't come up with a new name for his album?!?)  See, I'm a CD guy.  The best way to listen to music is in your car playing on a compact disc.  I don't fuck with these soft kids and their aux cords and their Shazam apps.  But I'm straying off topic.  Finally Famous was either the first or second CD I've bought for my vast collection in my car.  (The first CD might be Aquemini by Outkast.)  As much as I didn't want to admit it I was really disappointed by Sean's first album.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad album.  There were several faves including "I Do It" and "High".  But then there were some songs that I'm OK with turning the volume down in my car for.  (I'm looking at you "Live This Life" and "Wait For Me".)  I don't blame Sean 100% for it.  It felt like Kanye's only involvement in the album process was his weak ass verse in "Marvin & Chardonnay".  (More on that later.)  Plus No I.D. was scrapping the bottom of the barrel for beats to give to this album.  That's partly Sean's fault for not realizing No I.D. was crafting home-brewed gar-bage.  I liked "I Do It" though.

Before his sophomore album, Hall of Fame, released I was more optimistic about backing the guy.  His FT on Drake's "All Me" and Cruel Summer's "Clique" gave signs of hope.  Big Sean hosted a block party in the Fillmore area in San Francisco to promote his album.  For me it solidified his place in all time coolest rappers.  I'm not just talking about his steeze and the shit he rocks; I mean Big Sean is actually a cool ass dude.  If I could choose any rappers to hang out with for a day I would probably pick Sean, 2 Chainz and Snoop.  The album finally came out and this time there were better results.  First of all, there was less No I.D.  In other words there were better beats.  The album had more high points than his last.  "Mona Lisa" and "Milf" are all time favorites.  The album also had this inspiration and motivational vibe to it too.  I just felt like accomplishing my goals after going through the album.  But he was still being slept on by other folk.  The only song on the album that was getting radio airplay was "Beware", which I was never really a fan of.  On top of that Sean got overshadowed by Kendrick Lamar's verse on "Control" which didn't even make the album cut.  Big Sean needed more than just a solid album.  He needed a good fucking album, something that was going to be remembered.  Those were the stakes coming into Dark Sky Paradise.

Sometime in September I'm scrolling down my Facebook timeline on my phone to see a Complex post stating Big Sean just dropped four songs.  My boss wasn't in the office so I hopped on the computer to check the songs out.  "Jit/Juke" was cool but ultimately forgettable.  "Fourth Quarter" was the long awaited sequel to Sean's "First Quarter".  My favorite song out of that foursome ended up being the Mike Will Made It produced "Paradise".  I really fucked with "I Don't Fuck With You" when it first came out, but I had no idea it would have to success it did.  All this set in motion the momentum needed to hype up his highly anticipated third-time's-the-charm album.  Big Sean killed FT's left and right including Meek Mill's "D-Boy".  By the time Sean dropped "Blessings" I had heard all I needed to hear.  On February 24th, the date of its release, I drove over to the nearest CD store and got myself a copy.  Here are my thoughts on the tracks going in order of my least favorite to the most unforgettable.  (I bought the deluxe version of the album but for all intents and purposes I'm only reviewing the original 12 tracks.)

"Outro" (Track 12)
This is obviously the last track of the album.  I wasn't expecting much from a song titled "Outro".  I'm actually a little surprised it wasn't a skit or a monologue or some shit.  I could do without it.  If I ever come across it when I have my iPod on shuffle I'll probably skip it.  Reminded me of a lost track off Finally Famous the album.

"Play No Games" ft Chris Brown & Ty Dolla $ign (Track 5)
The first half of Dark Sky Paradise was practically flawless.  "Play No Games" is the least memorable.  The song feels like Big Sean's attempt to make it on someone's "Love Making Music" playlist.  Joke's on him though.  I usually use the R. Kelly station on Pandora for that type of activity.  It was a cool track though, it just didn't stack up right sitting between "I Don't Fuck With You" and "Paradise".

"One Man Can Change the World" ft Kanye West & John Legend (Track 11)
I feel guilty for not loving this song.  I want to like it, I really do.  Sean is delivering a sweet ode to his grandmother who was a huge influence in his life.  John Legend is riding the wave from his Oscar winning "Glory".  I'm just not loving it though.  Is it because Kanye is autotuneing?  Yeah, that plays a part.  Is it because it reminds me too much of "Memories Part II"?  OK, that's fair too.  (Side note: "Memories Part II" wasn't actually a bad song, it just got me the most vexed.  It was literally just "Memories" with a bad No I.D. beat and a John Legend hook.

"Dark Sky (Paradise)" (Track 1)
 Big Sean came out the gates guns a-blazing.  The song really set the vibe for the rest of the album.  Bars were pretty good, not great.  When the beat finally dropped then the song really took off for me.  I also thoroughly enjoyed the music video to this joint.  If I came across this song on my iPod I'd let it play through.  Like I said earlier, the first half of the album was perfectly crafted.

"I Know" ft Jhene Aiko (Track 9)
Originally I had this song ahead of "Deep" but after a few more listens I moved this song back a bit.  I still fuck with this song though.  This wasn't Mustard's best beat but it was still cool.  Now, I gotta be perfectly honest here.  I don't like Jhene Aiko as much as everyone else does.  I like her, but it always seems like everyone is always gushing over her.  Yeah, she's pretty and she sings good, but maybe I'm not seeing something everyone else sees.  That being said, I like her on this song and also "Win Some, Lose Some".

"Deep" ft Lil Wayne (Track 10)
Last time Lil Wayne hopped on a Big Sean track was on Hall of Fame's "Beware".  I didn't like "Beware" and a big part of that was Wayne's basura 16.  (Wayne really pronounced moped as mo-pad.)  I don't remember the last time I was excited about a Wayne FT.  But Wayne was OK this time around.  The beat was fire though and Sean did his thing on the track.  I've grown to really appreciate the way Sean switches up flows.

"Win Some, Lose Some" (Track 7)
This part gets tough because the rest of these songs are really freakin' good.  I didn't like this song on my first listen, but listen number two made me a fan.  There's something hauntingly beautiful about the beat.  It's one of my favorites so far in 2015.  I liked Jhene on the hook here and Big Sean wasn't playing games on this song.  It's one of those Big Sean songs that gets you going.  Plus, I love the touch of adding Big Sean's dad speaking at the end of the track.

"Stay Down" (Track 8)
This song was a pleasant surprise.  Da Internz blessed us with this beat and Big Sean had his way with it.  This is the song that feels right when you play it in the car on your way out with your boys.  Which brings me to another point about this album: I like how basically every song on this album serves a purpose.  There's no wasted space on this song as apposed to his other songs.  I loved Hall of Fame but there were a bunch of tracks that seemed like were put there just to fill up space.

"I Don't Fuck With You" ft E-40 (Track 4)
I know this jokes been written by every single person who's reviewed this album.  But I'm not above plagiarizing according to some crazy allegations by my school during my sophomore year in college.  So here it goes: I do fuck with you, Big Sean.  And I fuck with this song.  This is easily Sean's biggest commercial hit of his career and although the constant radio airtime almost killed it for me, it's still one of my favorite joints.  I like a bitter Big Sean, and yes, I'm taking his side in his split with Naya even if I have no idea why they split.  This is more than a song, it's an anthem for any bitter breakup.  There's some venom in the hook and the wordplay is there as always.  DJ Mustard laced the beat right and E-40, who is arguably one of the most consistent rapper, provided a solid guest appearance.  And I'm not just saying that because he's from the Bay.

"Blessings" ft Drake (Track 2)
There's something about Detroit that just produces rappers on top of rappers.  Big Sean went in on this track.  This is the Big Sean I'm hoping to hear when I put on one of his tracks.  The album version of this song did not feature Kanye West's verse... and I'm OK with that.  Let's talk about Drake for a second though.  I liked the hook and all but that's where I end the compliments.  I forgot whose review I read but somebody wrote that Sean "held his own" against Drake.  Sean killed Drake!  End of discussion.  Drake mailed his guest verse in.  You might think I'm biased because I'm not a Drake fan.  Yeah, I think that I'm more petrified of a two-year old blowing bubbles than Drake and that he's a simp.  I'm also irked by the fact that people gave Drake credit for the hashtag flow when he bit that flow off Big Sean's "Supa Dupa" flow.  But I'll admit when Drake drops a loose single or hops on someone else's song I get pretty excited.  Drake has had some of the best guest spots in recent memory.  This was disappointing.  It was as if Drake wrote his 16 in the car on the way to Sean's house to record it.

"All Your Fault" ft Kanye West (Track 3)
I was more excited about the fact that Kanye actually produced this song than the fact that he was on it.  I hate it when Kanye, Dr. Dre or Pharrell hop on a song and provide no contribution to the production of the song.  It's like LeBron coming into the game just to set screens.  But Kanye is easily the best rapper of those three producers just listed so sometimes it's cool if he just hops on the song.  But that wasn't the case on "Marvin & Chardonnay" where it appeared like Kanye did everything possible to sabotage the song.  This time around Kanye dropped a classic beat and his rhymes were on point too.  He didn't outdo Big Sean, but that's more of testament to Big.  And I loved when 'Ye and Sean traded bars towards the end of the song.  Easily one of my favorite parts of the whole album.  Originally had this song as my favorite, but I had to give it the silver.  Yeezy's line, "If you leave Mickey, you gone end up with a Goofy", just could not be ignored.

"Paradise" (Track 6)
I loved this song the moment it came out and several months later it's still my favorite.  Mike Will Made It beats are usually hit or miss for me.  This was a hit.  I don't know why it didn't blow up like "I Don't Fuck With You" but it just didn't.  It seemed like this track was crafted for this album and the rest of the songs were built around it.  The best analogy for this album in this case is the OKC Thunder with Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant.  "Paradise" is Kevin Durant.  The team is built around its best player, KD.  The album is built around "Paradise"  Westbrook in this metaphor is "I Don't Fuck With You": more excited to watch/listen.  Maybe it's not the perfect analogy (not by a long shot) but it's about how shots you attempt, regardless of the misses.  Big Sean skates on the track seamlessly with his witty wordplay that led us to Big Sean in the first place, and his flow switch-up.

Final Verdict
This exactly what we needed from Big Sean.  There were no wasted tracks this time around.  Hopefully no one is still sleeping on him after this album, but you never know.  It's been a long time coming but I think it's safe to say he finally dropped a great album.  It's his best work since Finally Famous Vol. 3.  His rhyme game and beat selection finally met at the right spot.  Plus I actually really liked the album artwork this time around, and to me it affects the score.  So far he has the best album of 2015, and yes I'm including Drake's surprise album, If You're Reading This It's Too Late, which was kinda good at best.  Will Dark Sky Paradise hold that title at the end of the year?  It's hard to say yes considering everything that's dropping in 2015.  And who knows, maybe Dre finally drops Detox.  (That's obviously a joke.  That's never coming out.  Sorry if I got your hopes up.)  For now I'll just give this album an official score of Guapo.  Here's the official seal to make it official.

Thank you for reading my review.  You can go ahead and cop his album, or not.  He doesn't pay me so I don't really care.  This was my first time writing an album review so let me know if I should stop in the comment section below.  It won't affect whether I do so again in the future, but I like to get you guys involved.  Make sure you check out my NBA blog, Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  Make sure you come back to this blog for more.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Add me on Snapchat; user name is crunchtimemario.  Listen to my radio show "Talk With Guaps" at kdhr.net.  That's it for my time, stay Guapo out there.

Ranking the J.R.R. Tolkien Movies

Happy New Year!  I am El Guapo and I'd like to thank you for reading my first post of 2015.  (Did I originally write 2014?  You betcha!)  Now, as much as I love to write and update my blog it just hasn't been possible recently.  With school, work and other factors getting in the way (not to mention Netflix marathons) I had to put Infinite Wisdom on the back burner.  But don't get it twisted, the Guaps hasn't run out of ideas.  Things like writers block just aren't a problem for me.  I got more ideas than I can possibly write about.  So to anyone whose been worried that I've lost my touch you can sleep easy knowing that as long as the sun shines I'll always be there for you.  Now that I've filled up about a half a paragraph I can introduce the topic of this post: the Tolkien movies.  Basically we're talking about the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Hobbit shouldn't-have-been-a-trilogy-but-ended-up-being-a-trilogy-anyway trilogy.  Now when the first Hobbit came out I wrote a thoughtful review on it as well as a review on the second installment of the film.  I saw the third and final movie when it came out and to tell you the truth I've been just too lazy to write a full on review on the movie.  But how fair is that?  It's like if the Oakland A's played the best baseball in the league for the first half of the season only to completely fall apart in the- oh, wait... (Do I sound bitter?)  Point is I couldn't leave you guys wanting more without ever getting anything out of it.  So I decided to rank the six movies from worst to best.  So let's get going.

6. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I was super excited when I heard an announcement of a Hobbit movie.  I was even more excited when I found out Peter Jackson was going to bring some of his LOTR magic to An Unexpected Journey.  Now I really liked this movie but it didn't have the same magic as the previous trilogy.  It looked gorgeous on screen and it was a fun film to watch but I realized the limitations of this franchise fairly quickly.  I've always told my friends that I like reading The Hobbit more than any of the Lord of the Rings books.  However, the prequel movies weren't as good as the LOTR trilogy because the stakes weren't as high.  What seems more urgent: stopping an evil lord from retrieving an all powerful ring and taking over the world or helping a dwarf get his home back?  One seems like one of the most epic tales in cinematic history (which it was), the other seems like a very pleasant story to hear about.  Again, I really liked the first Hobbit, I just wasn't blown away.

5. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Here's the thing about The Hobbit.  It's a pretty big book.  It's a good book, but it's pretty long.  Might be a little much to stuff into one movie.  Two films for the this one long book is understandable, but three fucking movies?!?  Three?!?  I know the book is long but this isn't the Bible we're talking about.  Three is just too much.  I like The Battle of the Five Armies, I really do.  But I can't get over how exhausted I felt towards the end of it.  It felt like Peter Jackson was trying his best to kill time by adding subplots that weren't in the original book.  I'm not complaining, but why is an older looking, but technically younger, Legolas even in this movie.  (Side note: I love when people say "I'm not complaining, but..." and then follow that up with a complaint.)  Let's get to the good stuff though.  The movie started off with Smaug destroying a town.  How many movies start off with a fucking dragon battle?  I can only name one right now, and that movie is called The Battle of the Five Armies.  (I'm too lazy too do any additional research so if you can think of any dragon battle movie openers, you keep that to yourself.)  Who else loved watching Thorin get cabin fever (or mine fever)?  There's something about watching someone go completely paranoid that makes any movie better.  Then watching Thorin snap back to reality and battle some bad guys.  So my official grade will indeed be another Guapo.

4. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
This movie was the best of the Hobbit trilogy.  I happened to see this movie three times in theaters, but it wasn't necessarily on purpose.  It was one of those situations where multiple people keep asking you to watch the same movie and you end up doing so because you're such a good friend/son/boyfriend.  But I wasn't mad at the fact that I saw the movie three times within two weeks.  This was easily the most enjoyable of the three, though not as good as any of the Lord of the Rings movies.  The intros were already taken care of in An Unexpected Journey so Desolation of Smaug just had to pick up where the last installment left off.  And unlike The Battle of the Five Armies, this film didn't give me that feeling of exhaustion.  It was one continuing flow of adventure from beginning to end.  Some of the highlights include the Dwarfs and Bilbo's escape from the Elvish prison/water rapids scene, the introduction of Legolas' character (again, not in the book), and Smaug and Bilbo's cat and mouse game.  The only thing that would have made this movie better is an actual cat and mouse game.  (That's something I'd really like to witness, but something tells me that PETA and my sister would hate me forever.)

3. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings
No disrespect to the Hobbit movies, but I'd rather watch a LOTR movie any day of the week.  Out of the three amazing installments of The Lord of the Rings, Fellowship is probably the weakest.  But saying it's the weakest implies that The Fellowship of the Rings is weak in any way, which is not true.  So instead I'll say the first chapter of the trilogy is the least super-awesome.  I've seen this movie countless times, more than any other movie on this list.  Probably has to do with the fact that I own the movie on DVD.  (It was originally a gift for my dad back in the early 2000's.  Eventually things just fall on my lap.  Kinda like my dad's old The Chronic CD.  I'm digressing.  Point is, my dad now owns the trilogy on Blu-Ray.)  As a rule the first movie in a trilogy is almost always gonna rank at the bottom.  (This rule only applies if the franchise was intended to be a trilogy from the get-go.)  Why this rule?  The first movie is where they pack the story and character introductions as much as possible, so there's less shit going on.  I'm not saying I didn't like meeting the Fellowship, but meeting characters is very time consuming.  (Side note: the Fellowship > Bilbo & the Dwarfs)  Two things stand out about The Fellowship of the Rings.  First off, Gandalf's "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" scene has been ingrained in my memory bank, popular culture and cinema history. That counts for something.  Second, Boromir stole the temporary "Best cinema death" crown from Gandalf at the end of the movie.  (Spoiler alert!)  I mean seriously, if I ever do die, I want to go out like Boromir.  Actually, no.  That seems really painful.

Spoiler alert: Boromir dies.  But you probably figured that out.

2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
The last movie of the LOTR trilogy racked up a fuck-ton of statues at the Academy Awards.  Return of the King won Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Costume Design, just to rattle off a few of the 11 awards.  Shit, even the guy who delivered coffee to Elijah Woods' trailer got an Oscar.  I can't emphasize enough how good this movie really was.  This movie was probably one of the most anticipated movies of all time.  Let me put it this way: when the second Hobbit movie was released I said to myself, "That was good.  I can't wait for the final movie."  Then about a week later I forgot about the movie.  A bunch of months went by until I saw the trailer for the final Hobbit movie, and I got excited again.  Compare that to the time The Two Towers came out.  I was quietly waiting for The Return of the King for a full year.  I was constantly wondering when the teaser was coming out, then when the trailer was coming out, and finally when the actual film was dropping.  That's called anticipation.  Not every movie demands that type of anticipation, but The Return of the King did.  And when the movie finally came out, it delivered.  The closer we inched the end the more intense it got.  Peter Jackson put his foot on the gas and never let up.  It was the ending, though, that kind of sank this movie from the top spot.  I'm not saying it was a bad ending at all.  (Saying so would be more an insult to Tolkien than Peter Jackson.)  I just think the ending took too long.  From the point where Frodo and Sam are rescued by Gandalf's eagles to the moment the screen turned black and "Directed by Peter Jackson" popped up took way too long.  I swear that whole period felt like another full length picture show.  (I sound old.)

1. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
You know those movies that you catch on cable TV all the time.  (If you've seen a movie on TV more than six times then it qualifies.  Movies that make the cut are Home Alone and for some reason every Vin Diesel movie ever made.)  The thing about those movies is that I always tune in at the same exact spot.  For The Two Towers, I always tune in during the battle at Helm's Deep.  I don't condone war, but that scene is the battle scene to end all battle scenes.  I really liked the battle scene in The Battle of the Five Armies, but it doesn't hold a candle to this one.  It's really this scene that catapulted (pun intended) this movie to the top of the list.  There's more though.  As much as I loved seeing the fellowship together in the first film, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli just work better as a trio.  The hobbits are really just a liability to them.  Frodo and Sam first meet Gollum in this movie, one of the most memorable movie characters in recent history.  I'm not sure if Golluming was invented during this movie, but the term was definitely coined because of it.  Gandalf the Grey came back as Gandalf the White.  (That part still confuses me.  Please don't attempt to explain it to me.  I won't pay attention and I'll only get more confused.)  Um... what else?  Oh! Pip and Merry talk to some trees.  Tie all this together and you have the best film in the six-movie franchise.

Go buy the box set!

That's my time everyone.  Sorry it took so long to post a new blog.  Truth be told this post took longer than any other post I've written in a very long time.  But it's finished now and that's all that matters.  If you want to read my original movie reviews for An Unexpected Journey or The Desolation of Smaug you can click on the links.  Follow me on Tumblr at sirelguapo.tumblr.com.  Be sure to keep up with me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Fuck it, I'll even hit you guys with my Snapchat: Crunchtimemario.  Be sure to look out for my blog posts on this site as well as my new site Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  Have a great 2015 and stay Guapo out there!

My Favorite Oakland Athletics Teams

It was sometime in June or July when my dad and I were on the phone talking baseball.  At the time the A's had the best record in the league and appeared to be favorites to win the World Series.  It seemed like I might actually witness one of my home teams bring a championship back to the city in my lifetime.  In this conversation with my dad I told him that I wanted to fly back home for the championship parade (something I've also never witnessed).  I think this is where it all went wrong.  See, I'm a really big sports fan and on top of that I'm a very superstitious sports fan.  I never turn off a game early because I think my team is up by so much that the game is in the bag.  No!  I watch every damn minute of the game until I see a final score.  I used to think that every time the camera angle switched during a game it was bad luck.  I had a lot of little superstitions but the biggest one was always that making early predictions never had a good outcome.  You just don't declare a championship prematurely.  So am I at fault for this A's season?  I don't know, but maybe I shouldn't have started my victory lap so early.  And maybe somebody else gave us the bad juju.  Or maybe that's just baseball and the A's deceived us all into thinking they were better than they appeared.  (Nah.  I'm not even going to consider that one.)  So before we get to my quick rankings let me just make sense of this season for myself (and the reader) so we all know who to be angry at.  Lord knows I got a stack of angry letters with a minimum of 18 F-bombs a piece just ready to be mailed out.

So it was after this talk with my dad that I decided to write a blog post on my A's, similar to one that I wrote for the Warriors.  Everyone knows I'm a huge Warriors fan, but I'm also an Oakland Athletics fanatic.  I can't count how many games I've gone to over the years, and like with basketball, this love for the A's started with my dad.  His favorite player of all time is Rickey Henderson.  (Side note: my dad ran into Rickey inside an elevator and instead of introducing himself to his idol my dad just froze up and kept quiet.  Just sayin'.)  So I wanted to write a post on my favorite A's players of all time.  But I didn't want to right the post mid season because, after all, that would be too early.  So I decided to wait until we won the championship, right before I took off from Long Beach Airport to go to the championship parade.  I was going to include Cespedes in the top 10, who at the time just won his second straight Home Run Derby and was probably going to be the World Series MVP.  So I sat on this blog post.  And then it happened.

It was July 31st and had just arrived in Oakland in time for my little sister's birthday the next day.  It was a pretty early flight and I arrived around 7 in the morning.  As soon as my plane landed I turned my phone on to call my dad and let him know I had just arrived.  As I'm walking out of the tunnel from the plane to the terminal my phone vibrates and I hear the SportsCenter theme.  (Du-nunu-du-nu-nu)  Basketball season had ended and football season hadn't started yet so I knew it was most likely baseball related.  I also knew it was probably trade related (it was the deadline) and that it was a big name.  I pull out my phone and three words stand out: "Yoenis"; "Cespedes"; "traded".  I didn't even get to "Jon Lester" or any of the other names involved in this news.  I was in disbelief.  "This can't be right," I thought.  "Maybe my app is broken?"  Nope.  I looked ahead at a TV inside an airport bar that was tuned onto SportsCenter.  The big news story?  Cespedes traded for Lester.  My dad was to pick me up at the airport, and when he did, after the hugs and "welcome home's", we talked about the trade.  "I don't think this was a good trade," I said.  "We have a good thing going, why rock the boat?"  My dad still had confidence in our team.  "We should be fine.  I think Billy Beane knows what he's doing.  I still believe in us."  I told him I hoped so.  But his confidence wasn't reassuring, and neither were the many news and sports articles that claimed this trade for Jon Lester was what we really needed.  But I needed to trust in Billy Ball and things couldn't possibly go that wrong.

Wrong!  Wrong!  We started losing.  (Side note: Fate is not without a sense of irony.  The home game after the Cespedes trade was a t-shirt game.  The player on the shirt? Yoenis Cespedes!  Also, the team we played against that game?  The Kansas City Royals!)   At first I was mildly concerned.  I mean, all baseball teams go through a slump at one time or another.  And we were still in first.  But then the Angels started creeping closer and closer.  That's when I knew something was off.  I called the one person who could handle a paranoid, obsessive, superstitious fan: my dad.  On cue my dad tells me that the A's are fine.  I didn't quite believe him this time and my fears came true when the A's got swept by the Anaheim Angels.  At that point I started using a term I had read on the internet quite a few times: the Curse of Cespedes.  (Don't think curses are real?  Look up the Curse of the Bambino, the Madden Curse and the 27 Club.)  I mean, it makes sense.  Cespedes is Cuban and I'm pretty sure all Cubans learn at least a baker's dozen of curses before the age of 6.  (That last line wasn't as offensive as it could have been originally.)  The point is that basically everyone on the Oakland Athletics roster collectively forgot how to play the game they've been trained to play their whole lives.  It was like if I got into my car one day and suddenly forgot where my key went.  Team expectations started to plummet in a steady downward spiral.  I went from hoping my team reclaims it's AL West spot from the Angels to hoping my team just makes one of the final two wildcard spots.  And I could no longer talk shit the the Giants fans in the North, and the Angels fans in the South.  (That's probably the worst part of this whole experience.  The shame.)

It was towards the end of the regular season and I make a phone call to my dad.  By now he knows there's no way he can tell me the A's are doing alright.  The A's are fighting for the last wildcard spot.  But my dad is an optimist and he's not the type to say all is lost.  After I tell him about how much of a failure this season was he explains to me that the season is really only a failure if we miss the playoffs.  (Debatable.)  He says that once we're in the playoffs everyone is pretty much at ground zero and the title is as good as anyone's.  (Kinda true, except we would have to play in a one game playoff series to advance to the ALDS.)  "Look, either way you're going to justify this season.  Either the A's get eliminated and you say that the A's deserved it for ruining a season or the A's manage to win it all and you forget all about this nightmare."  (OK.  Fair point by my dad here.)  But first we have to make the playoffs, which we do.  And when we clinched that lost spot I didn't feel joy or excitement.  All I felt was relief.  For just a brief moment I could breathe.  But that moment wasn't very long.  The match-up was the Kansas City Royals, a team that hadn't made the playoffs since my dad was listening to Run-DMC on his walkman and Marty McFly was driving DeLoreans.  (Did I capture 1985 right?)  Win and we advance to play the Angels in the ALDS.  Lose and the season is over.  One game.  I didn't watch this game; I worked late that night so I missed it, but I'm almost glad I did.  I checked my phone three times that night for the score.  The first time was after the 3rd inning; the score was close but the Royals were up 3-2.  The second time made me smile.  The A's scored 5 runs in the 6th inning.  I thought the A's gear I had on was lucky.  The last time I checked was after I got off work and it made me depressed.  The score was 9-8 and the game went to 12 innings.  At first I thought Oakland won but quickly realized that my eyes deceived me and it was the Royals who were next to that "9".  I saw highlights that night to make sure it was real.  Had I seen the game live I might have actually cried.  That was the end of that season.

(Don't watch this if you're an A's fan.  It hurts too much.)

So who do we blame for this?  Do we blame myself and the other A's fans that prematurely predicted a World Series?  Do we blame Billy Beane for making that trade?  Or do we blame Cespedes for cursing us on the way out?  We could blame the other players for sucking at their jobs at the wrong times.  What if it was Lester who brought the bad luck with him?  We'll never know and this is leading us nowhere.  Instead let's talk about good things, because in sports there's always good things.  The bad moments remind us of the good times and sets us up for the great times.  There's always gonna be times like these, but it will make it that much sweeter when I finally do get to witness my team bring my city a championship.  So now that you've actually sat down and read all this we can get to the list of my 5 Favorite Oakland A's Teams.  I know I initially wanted to do a "Top 10 Players" but I figured might be more appropriate.  This is obviously subjective and I'm limiting this list to teams I actually witnessed.  So that means no 1989 Oakland Athletics (sorry pops) and definitely no 1972 "Swingin' A's" (sorry old guy at the bus stop who wants to talk to me about Rollie Fingers).  But before we get to that let's bring out an "Honorable Mention".

Honorable Mention: Pre-Cespedes Curse Oakland Athletics, 2014
Yes, this team for sure had a shot to crack top 5 or maybe even seize the top spot if it wasn't for the second half of the season.  Unfortunately half-seasons don't qualify on this list so a made up award will have to do.  But why did I love this team so much?  It gave me hope.  The Golden State Warriors have only recently become successful.  For most of my life they were a lottery team.  Since I started following the Oakland Raiders they haven't even smelled success.  But the A's made it OK to be a homer throughout the years.  The A's had some bad years in the past 13 years that I've been a real fan, but they also gave me some great years to cheer for.  So to me they were always my best hope for a championship to one of my teams.  That's why this year felt like a reward to me for cheering them on all these years and a reward for them for always giving me something to cheer for when my other teams made it hard to do so.  In a weird way we both deserved the first half of this season.  (We also had a rally possum as our unofficial mascot.)

Dishonorable Mention: Cespedes Curse Oakland Athletics, 2014
Read everything above.

5. Oakland Athletics, 2006
We're going back to my pre-teen years for this one.  The 2006 A's were memorable for me because it was the first time I ever got to go to a playoff game.  And even better I got to miss school for that playoff game.  The A's were playing the Minnesota Twins in the ALDS and my dad scored tickets for the game.  The only problem was that it was a school day and for some reason they have day games during the playoffs.  (One of the few things I don't like about baseball.)  Luckily my dad is a cool dad and told the school that I had a doctor's appointment that day and picked me up from school.  Although I'm pretty sure the school knew where I was going.  We beat the Twins but then got swept by the Detroit Tigers.  (The fucking Tigers!)  I liked this team though.  It had my boy Eric Chavez (more on him later), Mark Ellis, Bobby Crosby, Nick Swisher and the Big Hurt, Frank Thomas.  Even Marco Scutero would make some appearances pinch running.  And this is when we still had Barry Zito, a very good Barry Zito that wasn't being overpaid by the Giants.  I liked this year a lot.

4. Oakland Athletics, 2003
This was a really loaded team.  I refer to this year as the last of my golden era for the A's.  (The golden era for me spans from 2001-2003.)  Ramon Hernandez was our catcher at that point in time and I had no idea what a Kurt Suzuki was yet.  Eric Byrnes was not yet a starter.  We also had Mark Ellis, Scott Hatteberg, Jermain Dye, Erubiel Durazo, and "T-Long, Hit It Long" Terrence Long in addition to my favorite players at the time, Miguel Tejada and Eric Chavez.  (I can hear the McAfee Coliseum's announcer in my head.  And yes I'm aware that it wasn't the McAfee Coliseum yet in 2003 and I know it's called the O.Co Coliseum now, but it will always be called McAfee in my heart.)  Now when I said that 2006 was the first time I got to go to an A's playoffs game, I said that because that's the first one that I'm sure about.  I might have gone to see the A's play the Red Sox that year in the ALDS.  And I remember we lost that game because everyone on the bridge to BART was looking sadder than usual.  It may have been just a regular season game but there is a chance it wasn't.  My dad would know for sure.  I hope he texts me after he reads this to confirm.

3. Oakland Athletics, 2013
I love this team in particular because it reminded me why I love baseball.  After 2006 the A's weren't so hot.  I still went to the games but it wasn't as fun as it used to be.  I refer to 2012 as the Renaissance of the Oakland A's because we were able to pull out of the dark ages, but it was 2013 that really got me excited about baseball again.  And it gave me a team I could fall in love with too.  Let's see, we got Brandon Moss, Eric Sogard, Jed Lowrie, Josh Donaldson (he walks up to the plate to "Regulate" by Warren G and Nate Dogg), Coco Crisp, Josh Reddick and Yoenis Cespedes, whom I just started to really dig.  Plus our pitchers weren't scrubs, especially Bortolo Colon.  That year I felt like we were ready to take the next big step.  Our ALDS match-up was the same as the year before: the Detroit Tigers.  We lost the year before, but this time we were going to get our revenge.  Well, it turns out I was wrong.  For the second straight year we lost to the Tigers.  (The fucking Tigers!)  But it wasn't a disappointment.  I felt like we were still headed in the right direction.  And above all else, I kept seeing "Bernie Lean" videos on YouTube at the A's home games.  Isn't that something to love?

2. Oakland Athletics, 2002
This was probably our best year in my lifetime.  This season is what the Moneyball movie was all about.  This was the season we won 20 games in a row, which set a new record.  I see the banner every time I come to the Coliseum through the BART entrance.  This team had the same basic line up as 2003 give or take a few players.  (Our pitching staff was amazing too!  Barry Zito, Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson were our three best that year.)  2002 was just a better year though, and nobody had a better year in 2002 than Miguel Tejada who was AL MVP that year, but more importantly, my favorite player.  When you're 10 years old and you're watching baseball your favorite player is the one hitting those homers.  I remember no matter what the score was or what inning it was or how tired I was, whenever I heard, "NOW BATTING, SHORTSTOP, MIGUEL TEJADA", I would stand up and cheer as hard as I could.  At that moment of time I didn't quite know the significance of that season as much as I do now, but I did know I was having some of the best fun watching my baseball team win.

1. Oakland Athletics, 2001
No, we weren't as good as the 2002 team, but I love this team the most because it was the first team I fell in love with.  Me and my dad had gone to see the A's play before, but this was where I really became an A's fan.  By this year I knew who everyone was on the roster; I wasn't asking my dad who Jeremy Giambi or Jermaine Dye were.  And I knew who the good players were.  I knew that Miguel Tejada was our best player and that's why he became my favorite.  I knew the rules of baseball; my dad taught me how to keep score using the programs at the game.  You remember the years when a team is not just your dad's team, it's you and your dad's team.  That was 2001.  I had mentioned Miguel Tejada being my favorite player, but I also have to mention Eric Chavez.  Chavez was probably my second favorite player of all time.  He was the third baseman with the Golden Glove.  (Literally.  The guy had like six of them.)  He was never as good as Tejada but Chavez was a staple in Oakland for a long time.  I think he spent 13 seasons in Oakland.  Even when other players came and went, Chavez was always there. So when Eric Chavez was no longer on the team it was more than noticeable.  It was like a part of the A's soul was missing.  If I went ahead and actually did the "Top 10 Players" list, all I know is Miguel Tejada would be number one and Eric Chavez would be number two.  Beyond that I couldn't tell you.

Well that's it.  I'm torn as to who to root for this World Series.  One the one hand I hate the Giants, but on the other hand the Royals knocked us out.  I'll go for the Royals so at least I can say we lost to the World Series champs.  I hope you enjoyed this blog.  Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @ELGUAPO3 and @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME respectively.  Be on the look out for more posts and if you're an A's fan just remember you're not alone.  Stay Guapo out there!

Can You Believe It's Already Been a Year?

Hey people!  I'm back with another post, a special edition post.  Why?  Because today is a special day!  Today is me and my girlfriend's one year anniversary!  (I know, right?)  One year!  Un ano!  (Haven't figured out how to type in Spanish yet.)  Uno anno!  (That's Italian.)  You get it.  So what better way to celebrate than me sharing a blog on the amazing things my girl brings to the table.  Since we've been together a year and a year is comprised on of 12 months, it's only fitting that I come up with a list of the 12 greatest things about her.  Coming up with more than 12 great things about my girl was easy.  The hard part was narrowing them all down to the top 12.  This list is in no particular order.  Let's get started.

1. She's Beautiful
Let's get this one of out the way.  I'm not a cheese ball so I'm not going to say something ridiculous like I only care what's on the inside.  Don't get me wrong, personality goes a long, long way (we'll get to that), but I wouldn't insult anyone by failing to mention that I am very attracted to her.  She has one of the most endearing smiles.  Her eyes are hypnotic and her complexion is perfect.  She's got amazing legs and she's thick, a key component.  I also enjoy **** **** ** *** ********* **** ** *****.  (This part was edited out at the end when I realized my mom will probably end up reading this too.)

2. She Makes Me Laugh
She's probably one of the goofiest people I know.  The inside jokes we have are more than abundant and she can never fail to make me at least chuckle.  There are lot's of people who think they are funny, but my girl actually is.  Not in a stand up comedy kind of way, nor in a clown-like way.  Just in a I-know-you-and-I-know-how-to-make-you-smile kind of way.

3. She's My Opposite
In many ways she is my opposite, the perfect foil.  In what might seem like just two totally different people actually has made a lot of sense in this relationship.  We both have what the other one lacks.  In that sense we are able to get new perspectives and get out of our shell.  I really like me.  But I would hate to date someone like me and my girl is not like me.  Someone once said opposites attract.  I thought that guy was an idiot.  Turns out he may have been right.

4. She's Sociable
I guess she's the opposite of K. Dot according to his "Control" verse.  ( I never had the chance to make a "Control" reference at the height of its popularity.  Sue me!)  But this is a quality I really admire.  She's not shy which means I can throw her into any mix of people and she would be fine.  She tries to get to know people and make a good connection.  This quality actually made it possible to meet.  Some people don't like meeting new friends (a la Drake) but sometimes doing so can lead to great things.

5. She's From the Bay Area
Well, she's from Richmond, which is part of the Bay Area.  It's just not a part I am particularly fond of.  All jokes aside it's always great to meet people from my home and even better to have someone who I'm intimate with have that connection with me.  Let me just jot this down on paper (internet paper), people from the Bay Area are awesome, and in general better people from LA.  (Stings doesn't it.)  Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends from LA who are dear to me.  My point is, like the Beach Boys said they wished "they could be California Girls", I wish they could all be Bay Area girls.

6.  She's the Right Amount of Crazy
Let's settle this now: all girls are loco.  Psychos.  Crazy.  Insane in the membrane.  That's fact that I'm not gonna bother debating.  But that's not all bad.  And there is such a thing as the "right kind of crazy".  Too much crazy and a girl will fly off the handle and you might not live to see tomorrow.  Not crazy enough and you spend your weekends looking forward to sitting around and reading newspapers for fun.  A little crazy adds some excitement to your life.  It leads to new adventures.  Honestly, everyone should have a little crazy in them.  I think my girl is just crazy enough for me.  Not so much that I fear for my life.  I could always be wrong, in which case look out for my name in the obituaries.

7. She Has Good Values
I grew up with parents who taught me the right way to do things.  ( I may not have always listened.)  But the values that were instilled in me by my family, the Church and all those who shaped my life are very much important to me.  It's always good to find someone with a good heart for helping others, a good spirit for keeping the faith in God and a good mind for keeping the values of love, care and support.  She is a good person with all those great qualities.

8. She Is Willing to Learn & Teach
Like I mentioned earlier the great thing about me and my girlfriend being opposites is than our flaws and strengths are able to cancel each other out in a way.  There are certain things that I'm particularly good at that my girl struggles with and vice versa.  The great thing is that she is willing to learn and grow from what I'm able to teach her.  At the same time she is able to teach me things I wouldn't be able to learn on my own.  What good is a relationship if there is no learning and growing involved.

9. She Is a Great Singer
My girl has a voice.  A very lovely one at that.  She can sing and it's not a talent everyone has, and yes that includes me.  Sometimes it's just good to sit back and enjoy the talents of my girlfriend.  Especially on a long road trip, when the road seems like it goes on forever, the sound of a beautiful voice breaking the silence can make a big difference.

10. She Somehow Likes Me
I'm not the greatest man to walk on Earth and I'm nowhere near perfect.  (I'm just really handsome with a cool blog.)  But it feels great to have someone who truly likes for who you are.  And not just the good parts, but the flaws too.  Someone who appreciate all the wrinkles and support you abundantly with any dream or endeavor you may have.  I'm lucky to have that and I appreciate it very much.

11. She's a Great Cook
When she cooks it's pretty much a done deal that the meal will be amazing.  Yeah sure, the food will not be very healthy (she hates veggies) but it will be damn delicious.  My mouth is watering at the thought of her cooking.  Not a lot of people's cooking can do that.  So it's safe to say she's part of an exclusive group.

12. She Makes a Bad Day Good, and a Good Day Better
This is really an understatement.  Everybody has bad days and most of the time people have to pick themselves on their own.  Sometimes it's just good to have someone there to lend a hand.  At the end of a rough day she can make me smile.  And sometimes at the end of a great day she  can be the icing on the cake.  I said I wasn't ranking this list, but if I was this probably takes the cake.  It's for all these reasons, and then some, that I love her as much as I do.

Well that's my time folks.  Can't spend my whole day writing.  Thank your taking the time to read this.  Sorry that I haven't updated my blog in a while.  The last time I wrote was probably the piece on Robin Williams and so I might have needed some time until my next post.  But keep a look out for my new projects.  A few announcements:  unfortunately I don't have HBO and can't keep up with Boardwalk Empire.  Thus I can't update Infinite Wisdom on Boardwalk Empire.  Sad, I know, so that project is terminated.  It had a great run and I loved doing it.  No worries, a new special project is coming soon as well as new posts for the main blog.  As always follow me on Twitter and Instagram @ELGUAPO3 and @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME respectively.  I'm gonna spend some time with my girl so have a great day and stay Guapo out there!