Who's the Coolest Avenger?

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  If you are new here please don't feel intimidated.  Yes, I am El Guapo, award-winning (not in writing) blogger and radio show host.  You are in for a treat today.  Why don't you kick off your shoes, get in those comfortable reading pants, and find your best chair?  I'm gonna take you on a word adventure.  If you've been keeping up with Infinite Wisdom on the NBA, which you should, you know it's playoff time in the NBA.  That's where a majority of blog posts have been directed at.  But I'm not a one dimensional sports writer.  I have other interests like movies, and models, and Migos and Round Table Pizza.  And that's just the surface.  This is my original blog, the one that started it all, before I did my short-lived Boardwalk Empire blog and my NBA blog.  Well it's time for me to give it some attention and tend to the fire I originally started.  On Mother's Day I wrote a touching and moving ode (my words, not hers) to my mom, Claudia.  A week later I'm back to finally give my input on The Avengers: Age of Ultron, kind of.

I could do a basic run of the mill movie review like any other blogger, but that's not the Guapo way.  One of my first blogs highlighted my affinity for choosing style over substance.  I don't go from point A to be B.  I take the scenic root to the kitchen.  I saw Terminator 2: Judgement Day, then The Terminator, then Terminator 3: I Feel Bad About My Dad Paying For Our Movie Tickets But I Was 10 Years Old And I Really Liked T2 in that order.  On purpose.  So we'll get to my review in a minute but before we do that let's get somethings out of the way.  Yes, I promised a Fast 7 review.  Didn't get around to it.  By the time I did, the movie was already irrelevant.  (I decided it was irrelevant when Post-Chicken-N-Beer Ludacris made an appearance on TNT's Inside the NBA.)  At that point I decided to scrap it.  Sue me.  Second note, I decided to sit on this post because I didn't want to spoil it for anyone.  Two things Guapo hates is Sacramento and spoilers.  But before we get to the review we need to settle something once and for all: who is the coolest Avenger?

The Avengers are a really cool team of super heroes that join forces to save the world.  Some people like Iron Man because he's snarky and a billionaire.  Some people like Captain America because he's a great leader and a true patriot.  Hulk is a good choice for those who like demolition.  I see a lot of people going the Thor route because he's a demigod or whatever.  Black Widow is Scar-Jo.  And I've never heard anyone say they thought Hawkeye was the coolest.  There's one way to settle this debate and it's not quite by the book.  See, when you examine coolness you look at attitude, ability, style and the eye-candy attached to the arm.  We know the Guaps is cool because of his demeanor, his uncanny ability to write the Truth like his name was Paul Pierce, his unparalleled fashion sense and the fact that his girl is bad.  And I don't mean she feeds the dog human-food bad, I mean she's a baddie.  We're going with that test in what is most likely my most blatantly misogynistic blog post since Top 10 MILFs On TV.  Let's get started.

Iron Man

Gal: Pepper Potts

Don't like her name.  Pepper is a condiment not a person.  But let's move past this.  Pepper is cute and clearly smart.  Makes up for her name.  There's something about her attitude too.  She's able to keep Tony Stark grounded which I don't imagine is something easy to do.  Sometimes you just need a girl to hold you down, knock some sense into you when your ego gets out there.  However, there's a time to stop and I would imagine Pepper doesn't know that time.  Plus, she can't hold her own and needs to be rescued.  Too time consuming.  And needy.  On the other hand she runs Stark Enterprises and you need a girl who is business savvy.  Kind of like Martha Stewart, I guess.  Blonde hair, blue eyes, typical white girl.  You get the gist.  Skinny build if you are into that.  Is Pepper your dream girl?

Captain America

Gal: Agent Peggy Carter

She has her own show, Agent Carter, which I've told myself I would watch, just haven't gotten around to it.  That's much more than Pepper can say.  Pros: she's an agent who can clearly hold her own.  I like strong independent women.  I need a woman who will challenge me on all levels, except for basketball and golf.  She's in the army so she's tough and strategic.  She's British if you're into accents and all that.  She's also dead so you don't have to worry about arguments.  Cons: She's dead, so no sexy time.  But let's say you went back in time for her.  Well, she's a bit intimidating and she's in the army, so she's probably seen things.  Last thing you need is to be woken up in the middle of the night while she goes full Wolverine: Every War Ever Vet on you.  Is Peggy your dream girl?

Thor

Gal: Jane Foster

This one would appear easy, right?  It's Natalie Portman for God's sake!  But let's take it easy and examine this through.  Clearly she's beautiful.  I'm not arguing that.  She's also some kind of scientist which I don't remember because the Thor movies don't quite measure up.  But she is a scientist and clearly she's smart.  She's probably the smartest out of anyone's girl.  But what if she's too smart and starts using big words when you guys argue and then you start feeling insecure because she's acting like she's Will Hunting and you feel like the other Affleck in the same movie?  (BTW Stellan Skarsgard is in both Good Will Hunting and Thor.)  What if one day she's working on some experiment and out of curiosity you ask what it is and she gets impatient when you can't explain it to you?  She also appears to travel a lot and while that may be fun for a while, it probably gets really lonely.  Those long hours and months away will pile up.  Then again, it is Natalie Portman.  Is Jane your dream girl?

Hulk

Gal: Black Widow

Yes, for those of you who hadn't watched the movie, Hulk gets with Black Widow.  Scratch that.  Bruce Banner gets with Black Widow.  The Hulk gets with no one.  I know some might be thinking, "Contest over!  It's freaking Scar-Jo!" I implore you to think deeper, just like we did with Natalie Portman's Jane.  While Black Widow aka Natasha Romanoff is clearly on fuego, you gotta think with your big head here.  Let's get the good stuff out of the way.  Again she's on fuego and she's a seductress.  And I'm not trying to be crass here, but I'm sure she would blow your mind if you were ever lucky enough to accompany her to the bedroom.  But it wouldn't work if you were a jealous guy.  She flirts a lot and most guys I know would not be OK with that.  That's not the bad part though.  Think about this:  Scarlett Johansson cannot kill you.  Black Widow can.  She's an assassin.  She kills people as a job and she's been employee for the month for a while now.  When my girl gets mad at me she might give me the silent treatment, or yell at me or whatever.  If you get Natasha mad your life is effectively over.  Why even take that risk?  I guess it's OK because it's the Hulk, but any other non-gamma exposed humans should steer clear.  But it's your life, not mine.  Is Natasha your dream girl?

Hawkeye

Gal: Laura Barton

Stay with me on this one.  I know it's tempting to dismiss Hawkeye as the coolest Avenger because he virtually has no power other than great accuracy, which would probably have made him a Hall of Fame quarterback if he went that route.  And you might be thinking, "His wife does nothing!  She doesn't run a business for fight evil.  Why is she even being discussed?"  My response to you is: how dare you?!?  She let the Avengers into her home to hide out, but that's not enough is it?  How about this?  She has the toughest job of any Avenger's significant other: she's a mother and a wife.  The fact that she's able to hold down the fort while her husband, the Hawkeye, or as she calls him, Clint, plays 6th fiddle on the greatest super-squad since the 2013 Miami Heat is absolutely remarkable.  She raises the children and is as a supportive of a wife as you can ask for.  She is a partner to Clint Barton.  She supports him in his decisions and provides valuable insight when he's feeling down.  You might think I'm crazy, but Laura Barton is the girl for me.  Hawkeye is the coolest avenger.  (Side note: Linda Cardellini, who plays Laura here, played Velma in the live-action Scooby-Doo movie.  It's my favorite "Holy shit, no way!" moment from my research.)

Now the actual review.  The first Avengers movie was an action-packed, adrenalyn-filled event, not a movie, that blew my mind.  This movie was like that, but on cocaine.  The movie was less messy than the first one.  This time around these characters are familiar with the deal and have this whole dynamic.  Ultron was a cool villain, which is a must for a successful superhero movie.  Call me crazy, but I would pay $12 for a one and a half hour film of Ultron and Tony Stark exchange snarky dialogue.  Loki is a lovable villain that draws flocks of fangirls (and boys, it's the 21st century) and is the only other Marvel villain in the pantheon.  Hawkeye finally got more than a cameo role.  The great thing is that this movie has been built up to for the last few years, and the film itself is still just building up to more films down this long ass story arc.  I still hold the position that the individual movies (e.g. Captain America: Winter Solider, Iron Man) are much cleaner and smoother.  The big ensemble can still be a jumbled mess, but it's a fun mess.   I wouldn't have it any other way.  This movie isn't the greatest to come out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it's as memorable and as important as any other so far.  If you somehow still hasn't gotten a chance to see, stop wasting your life and go smell the roses.  And by go smell the roses I mean go pay $12 to spend two hours reverting into a child while you watch superheroes destroy cities while they attempt to save the world.  It's been a stressful week.  You owe it to yourself.  As far as superheroes movies go, it's earned itself a solid Guapo.

Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to read my blog.  But look, that LeBron James kid vine is still there.  I put a lot of hard work and sweat into my writing so I'd appreciate you spreading the love.  Check out my Facebook page and if you're feeling frisky, go ahead and like it.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Don't sleep on my Tumblr page.  Tumblr is still cool.  Add me on Snapchat.  My name is crunchtimemario.  Also be sure to keep updated on my NBA blog.  Every time I see that people are reading, I get more inspired and it gives me the energy to keep going.  Keep feeding me that energy.  Or don't.  I'll keep writing either way.  Stay tuned for more Infinite Wisdom.  Have a good summer and stay Guapo out there!

My Mom's Best Catchphrases

Happy Mother's Day!  Today is a very special day.  It's one of the biggest holidays I can think of and it celebrates someone that can't be celebrated in just one day: the mother.  So of course I had to come out with this special edition of Infinite Wisdom.  If you are fortunate enough to call your mother, grandmother or anyone who assumed that role in your life, I implore you to do so.  So before I get started I'm dedicating this to my two grandmothers and of course my mom, Claudia Zucel Rodriguez.  My mother has never stopped being there for me, she has never stopped supporting me, and she has struggled so much to ensure I lived a happy life.  No disrespect to anyone's mother, but I don't think anyone could have done a better job of raising me than my mom did.  She was a mother at the age of 19 and took care of me on my own until she married my dad.  She gave birth to my little sister, whom I adore so much.  My mom understood me, or at the very least attempted to understand me when I felt no one could.  I wasn't the easiest kid to raise, and so the fact that my mom was able to do that, and raise a daughter, and finish college, and work full time, and take my grandma in is just a testament of what kind of woman she is.  I respect her in so many ways and no amount of words I say out loud or right will ever be able to convey just how much I look up to her.  She wasn't perfect.  We had a lot of difficult moments.  But every time things looked bleak she found a way to make things right.  I love my mom.  I wish I could be back home to celebrate this day with her, but this will have to do for now.  So before I continue with this blog, I just want to tell you, Ma, that I thank you for all the sacrifices you have made for me and for just being yourself.  Happy Mother's Day!

My mom always thought that our family belonged on a sitcom.  A lot of people say that about their families.  But our family was borderline ridiculous at times.  We got in crazy scenarios and the situations that we got into were some stuff you couldn't make up.  But the thing that really convinces me that I'm a supporting actor in my family's hit sitcom is the fact that everyone seems to have a catchphrase.  First of all, normal people don't have catchphrases.  They just don't.  My dad says, "Ti!" instead of saying "Si" like a normal person.  He also says "Don't call it a comeback" a lot which was stolen from LL Cool J.  (My dad says a lot of lines from old rap songs.)  "Q-vo!" is something he yells out when he proves someone wrong.  My grandma says "Perro mas perro!" when my dog something bad.  But my mom has a whole pallet of catchphrases to choose from.  She has a Batman-like utility belt of one-liners.  She can practically hold an entire conversation of her catchphrases.  Here are some of my favorite lines my mom says on the reg.  (Note: I never thought I would write a Mother's Day blog post that was borderline NSFW, but unfortunately it was unavoidable.)

Non-Catchphrases
A lot of the stuff my mom does is non-verbal, which is usually substituting profane language.  My mom likes to flip me off by running the back of her hand against her throat repeatedly.  In all honestly I started this war years ago and it just caught fire.  My mom also likes to applaud sarcastically by clapping like a sea lion with loose wrists.  Often she accompanies that by saying, "Mira come me applaudan."  When she doesn't care what someone has to say she'll take her index finger and make a tornado motion.  Sometimes she'll gesture that finger upward to tell you to stick it up your... let's move on.

Una Patada
An oldie, but a goody.  When I was a young lad and my sister was still a toddler my mom used to yell this when we misbehaved.  It was basically a threat to kick our butts.  I'm safe now.  I live in LA.

No Papa
Don't know how this one started.  I just remember being picked up from school and asking my mom for something and she saying, "No papa!".  I don't know if she was trying to sound Cuban or something, but she kept saying it for a while.  Anytime a simple "No" would have sufficed she felt inclined to add the "papa".  I'm safe now.  I'm in LA.

Leave Britney Alone!
This line actually stems from a viral video we all saw on the Soup.  Basically a guy name Chris Crocker posted a video online begging people to stop criticizing Britney Spears.  (This is around the time she was trying to make her comeback.)  My mom now says that anytime we criticize her.  (We do it more often than we're proud of.)  I would have thought this line would have died out by now.  And I can hear her yelling, "Leave Britney alone" as she reads this.

Pideme Algo
This is one of my favorites and it's one I actually use with my girlfriend.  Basically this translates to, "Ask me for something".  After doing something mean to my mom or not helping her with something my mom would say this line.  In essence, "Ask me for something and see if I'll help you."

 

Thanks for the Support...
The full line is "Thanks for the support, asshole."  The line originally came from Eminem's hit single "My Name Is" from The Slim Shady LP.  (My family has a tendency of stealing rap lines.)  It stemmed from the time I was going to meet my biological dad for the first time in years.  I was nervous and I asked my mom what I should say to him.  Her response was, "Thanks for the support, asshole."  Now my mom will say that sarcastically to anyone she feels hasn't helped her.  It's a good line.  I said it to my college's financial aid office when they kept losing my financial aid documents.  (CSU Dominguez Hills problems.)  Thanks Eminem.

ESAD
Our first acronym and you guessed it, profanity is involved.  But this isn't a children's blog so here's what it stands for: Eat Shit and Die.  (Whoa!  Shit got dark!)  Not really.  My mom says the acronym out of modesty (I think?) and it's not as vicious as it sounds.  I'm safe now.  I live in LA.

Don't Worry About It
I don't know why this is even a thing, but it is.  The first time I heard my mom say it she picked me up from school.  This isn't even a nice, sweet story of a mother reassuring her son either.  It's a sad story of neglect and deceit.  My mom picked me up from school and I thought we were on our way home.  However, we got on the freeway and it became apparent we were headed somewhere else.  I asked my mom where we were going.  "Don't worry about it."  I was confused and when we got on another freeway I asked my mom again.  Her answer was the same.  I thought maybe it was a surprise party, which would have made no sense.  I asked my mom and her answer didn't change.  I saw the Kaiser building and I asked my mom if I had an appointment.  She said, "Don't worry about it."  Finally we parked at Kaiser.  I did have an appointment.  My mom's reason for not telling me?  She didn't have one.  I'm safe now.  I live in LA.

Desgraciados!
I don't remember the first time my mom said it.  But she says it more often than I can count.  Usually it's after she's talking about gentrification, the government or something else that affects us.  Sometimes she's talking about other people.  It's very versatile, I'll give her that.  I even use it when I talk about my college.

Hombre Sucio
Hombre could be replaces my nino or nina.  Sometimes vieja to talk about my grandma.  Even perro if she wanted to throw Toby under the bus.  Basically anytime somebody did something dirty she would hit us with that line.  But hombre sucio came up the most often though.

Hijo de la Fregada
This is really my mom being modest.  She's cleaned up the language over the years.  This is probably the nicest variation of her line.  Trust me, it could be a lot worse.  But I don't know how to spell the other words she uses.  But most importantly I don't have it in my heart to repeat those words.  (It's mostly the spelling thing.)  I'm safe now.  I live in LA.

Tiemblo, Tiemblo
My mom is very sarcastic.  That's where I get it from.  Say somebody warns my mom of some consequences, this is what they'll get in response.  I guess it would be like someone saying, "I'm shaking in my boots."  My mom also sometimes does a shaking motion with her hands.

We'll Get Through This
In all seriousness, this is a story of a mother reassuring her family.  We've gone through a lot.  We've struggled.  We've been so unsure of the future.  Things have often looked bleak for us.  But in each of those moments my mom has been a rock in the family.  When I hear her utter those reassuring words, I leave my trust in her.  And we've always managed to survive as a family.  I guess that's the best part of my mom.  Yes, she's fun to be with and a lot of the funniest moments in my lifetime have been at her expense.  But when the storm comes and all we have is the family, my mom is one of the strongest people you can meet.

Thank you for reading this special Mother's Day blog.  I hope you call your mother day and celebrate.  before I sign off I just want to congratulate some of my friends on graduating college.  Smoke, you did it.  You're one of the smartest people I know and you're on your way to do big things.  Omar, you've been one of my best friends since the 6th grade.  I wish I could be there to see you graduate, but alas I can't.  Chin, you're my boy.  You and Omar have always looked out for me, especially on my visits to SB.  Really proud of you.  Liz Vera, part of the original V crew at DH housing.  You've been such a good friend of mine at DH and I wish you nothing but the best.  That's it for congrats. If I forgot anyone just know that I'm proud of your accomplishments.  Stay Guapo out there!

Top 25 Jake & Amir Episodes

Hello everybody and welcome back to Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  I know, I know.  It's been a while.  But I'm back and I appreciate the patience.  I've actually had a couple of topics that I wanted to cover, both on this blog and my NBA blog, Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  But I wanted to write this one before it was too late.  The amazingly funny web series on College Humor, "Jake and Amir" has come to an end.  This web series starring Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld has been a staple at College Humor for over eight years and over 750 episodes.  Rumor has it that the show will be reformatted for TBS.  I hope that's true because "Jake and Amir" is amazing.  I started watching this show about 5 or 6 years ago.  (The first episode I saw was most likely "Notified".)  Since then, Tuesday is the day I look forward to a new "Jake and Amir".  This tandem has been through three offices, has been on the Bang Bus, Los Angeles vacations, been involved in love triangles that end in bus accidents, have encountered Rick Fox, have made 7 March Madness brackets and though it all have remained the most fascinating duo on the web.  Somehow after 750 episodes they have managed to maintain some level of comedic excellence.  Their brilliance has relied on some of the most memorable and quotable lines with call backs and recurring creeping in to create a mixture of nostalgia and fresh comedy.  Though Amir is usually the oddball against Jake's straight man, both have had their moments to shine.  They've needed each other and when things are clicking, "Jake & Amir" is like a well-run laugh generator.

So in honor of the web series I've decided to countdown their 25 best shorts.  Over the last month I have seen hundreds of "J&A" episodes trying to narrow it down to the very best.  I first attempted to do 10, however I couldn't let a lot of these amazingly funny episodes go unnoticed.  So I settled on 25.  I've chosen the episodes that I thought were the most hilarious and that represented the elements that make this web series so great.  A few rules that I made before we start: 1) The finale episodes are not in contention.  2) Neither is the 30 minute short "Fired".  3.)  "The Ben Shwartz Rule".  Basically I've only allowed one Ben Shwartz episode on this list.  Otherwise we would get a countdown consisting of almost only Ben Shwartz shorts.  Also, since his episodes usually come in twos, I combined his entries into one episode.  (If your confused, keep reading.  You'll get it when we get there.)  So without further delay, here my favorite "Jake & Amir" episodes along with my favorite quote of the episode.

25. Mirror Image

Favorite Line: "You're clearly beginning to talk after I..."
Let's kick this countdown off with a short one.  "Mirror Image" is only a minute long and has very little dialogue but words aren't always needed.  What starts as a coincidence with Jake and Amir sneezing at the same time turns into Amir mimicking Jake's every move, until Jake gets the better of him!

24. YouTube

Favorite Line: "But that's it. It's over!  Go home, bitch!"
Here's Amir at his best: a false sense of entitlement, the ability to rub his coworkers the wrong way and a little dance to tie it all together.  Streeter plays off Amir perfectly here, and though Jake is only onscreen at the very end, he makes his screen time count.

23. Business Ideas

Favorite Line: "Wait 'til you hear the name: Tick Dicklers!"
This episode features one of my favorite formats, which I'll just call "the couch".  These are the episodes where Amir rattles off his ideas to an uninterested, yet highly critical Jake.  This includes episodes like "Movie Pitches", "App Ideas" and "Bucket List".  This beats out the rest, if anything, because of Amir's jingles.

22: 30th Birthday

Favorite Line: "Dear Amir, I hope you're not alive to read this:"
I'm going to start addressing my letters the same way.  I love seeing Amir read off his letters from the past.  Who knew 12 year-olds can be soon cruel?  (I was.) Plus, I love it when Amir talks about his awful, cowardly dad.  The cherry on top was the Doobs reference.  (More on Doobs later.)

21. Rolex

Favorite Line: "Call me Jake."
Amir is obsessed with Jake.  The feeling is not mutual.  Action!  A freaked out Jake is the second-best type of Jake.  That kind of Jake has some of the best reactions.  Unrelated note:  the "beefing soy" line is a prime example of a call back line and a new joke being blended perfectly.

20. Beeper

Favorite Line:  "Nurse is livid!  Just crying in the corner because I've been shitting myself non-stop, which sounds standard, but it's not."
I love episodes that feature Amir telling Jake a ridiculous story about his weekend.  No one does a better job of describing such a gut-wrenching story in vivid detail.  Amir's toddler-like whining at the beginning is a bonus.

19. Rap Teacher 3

Favorite Line: "Better or worse?  Specify, you stupid shit!"
Hoodie Allen episodes are usually pretty funny, but the best one is definitely the last one.  Here, Amir and Hoodie are in the studio recording their track about how cold aardvark cum is.  (Who comes up with this shit?)  In the midst of freezing aardvark semen rap, Jake manages somehow to be the weird one.

18. Table Read

Favorite Line: "He was improvising!"
I couldn't go without at least one Murph video.  The sight of a fearful Jake in Murph's presence is golden but my favorite short features a jealous Murph at a table read.  But even without Murph, Amir's ridiculous script is enough to get this clip on the list.  I nearly had a heart attack when I first heard the queefing bit.

17. Survey

Favorite Line: "Just say, go fuck yourself."
It's hard to imagine anybody respecting Amir, but I guess his cousin does.  Amir's rap was one of the worst things I've ever heard.  (I guess he's better when Hoodie is coaching him.)  And Pat coming in to complain about Amir throwing a lit match on him while Pat was taking a dump brought the video full circle.

16. Secret Santa 

Favorite Line:  "Then I wouldn't get a gift!"
If you can sit through Amir asking if he could talk without interruption from Jake and not fall out of your seat you might not understand how comedy works.  Again we get so see a grown adult break into tears because he didn't get what he wants.  The sequel to "Secret Santa" is also funny, but the first is clearly the best.

15. Prom

Favorite Line: "Moo cow, moo!"
One of my favorite running gags is Amir showing up inexplicably late to work.  Here Amir has a diabolical plan to show up to a high school prom to pour a gallon of milk on a girl.  This prompts Jake to ask Amir to dinner in another great callback.  ("Dinner tonight" was a phrase often used by Amir in the early episodes.)  Any time I hear the phrase, "Mikey, my friend!" my ears perk up in excitement.

14. Mouse Trap

Favorite Line:  "It sounds like you just broke into an apartment and ate mouse shit off a glue trap."
Here Amir is kind of asking Jake for legal advise.  After breaking into an apartment and getting caught in a mouse trap, which Amir calls a "human cheese trap", Amir wants to know if he has a case against the "a-holes who lured me into their apartment and hurt me."

13. Olympics

Favorite Line:  "Shit happened!  Life got in the way!"
Did anyone else follow @USARice on Twitter?  I loved the fact that that account was kept updated for a good period of time.  I also loved Jake's "Where do you get confidence?" line.  All around funny episode from beginning to end.

12. New Voice

Favorite Line: "No!  No!  You're saying that because that's what you want."
See!  Amir isn't the only immature one in this duo.  The fact they had this elementary school conversation in the same low voice just spits me up.  And Jake's dick move to refuse to clarify for people that he stole Amir's voice is classic douchebag Jake.  Speaking of which...

11. Muscle Tee

Favorite Line:  "A sleeveless shirt for this piece of dirt makes that sweet pussy go squirt!"
Douchebag Jake is also a very insecure Jake.  I like to call these type of episodes "Jake Tries New Things".  This includes "Chin Strap Beard", "Corduroy Pants" and "Vest".  Out of these types of episodes, "Muscle Tee" stands out the most because of Jake squirting out, what appears to be cum, from his mouth.

10. Halloween Costumes

Favorite Line: "Pros: It's cute, I can pee in it."
This can be classified as a "couch" video.  The fact that Jake has been planning Amir's funeral when Amir shows up out of nowhere is straight comedy.  Additionally we get to see Amir struggle to make a corn costume joke.

9. Date Ideas

Favorite Line: "The first woman you were inside of and you didn't even call her.  Now, that's baller!"
I shadow box in my room out of excitement whenever I see Amir unravel a scroll.  Scroll videos are simply the best.  I had a plethora to choose from.  "Chugging" is a favorite of mine and "Fourth of July Scroll" is also a gem worth considering.  But this one had it all.  The scroll was perfect down to taking your mother on a date.  (The entry that ended in my favorite line.)  Amir using Jake's name on the scroll was also a nice touch and the comedy doesn't end when the scroll does.  The laughs keep coming when Amir utters, "Thoughts on the list?"  And if I needed another excuse to rank this the best scroll video, this scroll has a treasure map.

8. Snakebite

Favorite Line:  "Dumbass went for it.  And got it."
In this episode Amir is at work with a number of snakebites on his body.  Turns out he tried to domesticate a wild snake and starved it.  He then taunted the hungry snake by dancing around when dead mice on his body.  Jake responds by pretending Amir is now deaf.

7. Treats

Favorite Line:  "Are you f***king crazy!?  You think I'm going to wipe you?"
Jake finds Amir asleep on the toilet with the door open.  Amir for some reason tries to lie about this.  A funny episode from beginning to end , when Amir confidently asks Jake to wipe him.

6. Talent Show

Favorite Line: "The world's first non-Filipino talent show."
There was a sequel to this video which was also funny, but didn't match the level the first one did.  For some reason, the fact that this talent show excluded only Filipinos really cracked me up, and I have lots of Filipino friends.  I especially love Amir taking Jake's impending insult as a compliment.

5. Doobs 3

Favorite Line:  "Is he dead yet?  Or is it not that type of intervention?"
Thomas Middleditch has played the role of Doobs four times.  He is easily the second best recurring character on the show.  Two running gags make Doobs episodes as funny as they are: 1) his name is Penis Anthony Doobli(can't spell it), yet to make fun of him Amir calls him Doobs.  2)  Doobs always has to mention Amir's dad and his impossibly skinny legs.  "Doobs 2" is also a must-see but I give it to Doobs 3 if anything because Penis changed his name to Penis Dickling the Goose.  (He then makes a wolf howl.)

4. Celebration

Favorite Line:  "Shit on ya!"
Amir is a really weird guy.  He doesn't know how to do math, he doesn't know how to brush his teeth, and he doesn't know how to celebrate.  Jake and Amir pull a prank on Rosie and out of this comes Amir at his finest.  I'd like to see him win the lottery.

3. Interrogator (Part 1 & 2)

Favorite Line:  "That was illegal, man!  That was illegal!  I didn't want that!"
Here's where I apply the Ben Shwartz rule.  He's by far the funniest recurring guest and while watching one episode alone is still hilarious, I'd suggest watching them all in chronological order.  All Ben Shwartz videos feature these key components: 1) Ben has a new occupation each time, whether he's a mountain hiker or H.R. guy.  2) Ben is terrible at coming up with new names like Cherry Dude.  3)  After this video Jake always remembered Ben as the guy who sucked his dick.  That's probably why I picked this episode over all the other Shwartz videos.  When it first happened I was blown away.  (Not literally.)  It was brazen and it was jaw-dropping and I could not contain myself.  Even without watching the video I can remember the scene and immediately cackle out loud.

2. Normal Conversation

Favorite Line:  "Refresh my memory."
Two things to note here:  I love the recurring joke that Amir's friends have such weird names.  Den isn't the weirdest one I've heard, that would probably go to Larence(?), but it's up there.  The other thing I like here is Amir's habit of interrupting Jake mid-sentence.  This one is an all time favorite that has never failed to make me laugh.  I do wish we could have seen more of Den.  He was hysterical in the few seconds he was on.

1. New Shirt

Favorite Line:  "Fine!  I got it at Forever 21!  Okay?  Are you happy now?  Forever 21!  There's a unisex section, upstairs!"
My absolute favorite episode of all time.  You can disagree with me, but then you'd be wrong.  No episode has been able to keep me in stitches from beginning to end like this one.  Most episodes I watch give me a collection of laughs through the various goofs throughout, but for "New Shirt" it was one long continuous laugh.  I'm not even sure if that's healthy.  "Say, I know you know," is a close contender for my favorite line of the clip.  But so were most of the lines being said as Jake and Amir yelled over each other.  One of the best things about this web series has been the hilarious dialogue and this episode is almost entirely that.  I could play this clip in strictly audio form and it would stand on its own.  Jake and Amir didn't need the help of any special guests except Pat at the very end, which just speaks to the amazing chemistry these comedic juggernauts have.

That's all the time we have my readers.  This was a long post, but believe me, it took even longer to write it.  I literally watched hundreds of clips over the last few weeks to complete this list.  Did I finish by the show's finally?  Absolutely not!  But deadlines aren't really my strong suit.  Neither is grammar.  But if you can get past its lateness (just like you'll get past the lateness of my upcoming Furious 7 review) you can hopefully enjoy this post as much as I liked writing it.  Make sure you follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3.  I'm also on Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  If you happen to be on Snapchat then add Crunchtimemario.  I'm on Tumblr at sirelguapo.tumblr.com.  If you want to read more of my blogs make sure you check out Infinite Wisdom On the NBA, my basketball blog.  And finally, I just created a Facebook page which you can check out here.  Make sure to like my page for new posts.  Thank you for reading and stay Guapo out there!

Dark Sky Paradise Album Review

I fucks with Big Sean.  He's one of my favorite rappers in the game right now.  Depending on who you I was put on Sean's game early or late.  My boy, Smokey, put me on game senior year in high school.  He had Big Sean's mixtape, Finally Famous Vol. 3: Big, burned to a CD and played it in his car.  That mixtape became one of my most frequent listens that year, along with Kanye's My Dark Twisted Beautiful Fantasy, and is among my three favorite mixtapes of all time.  Big Sean's wittiness was at an all time high.  The songs were fun to listen to; Big Sean had an array of quotables.  His ad lib game was strong.  It was Big Sean's finest moment.  Later on that year I went to a Big Sean concert with my friends Smokey and Tim.  Non-Sean-related highlights from the concert: my introduction to the greatest rap group since Run-DMC, TPE, and Bobby Brackins throwing a tantrum during his set.  But besides that, when Big Sean eventually arrived (we had to sit through hours of nameless acts rapping and cooking like Lil B) he treated us to quite the show.  I went back and downloaded his two earlier mixtapes, and although they both had their sweet spots, neither were able to match the awesomeness of Sean's third installment of the Finally Famous trilogy.  But I was looking towards the future and from my perspective it looked bright.

The week his first album, Finally Famous, came out I headed to Rasputin to get a CD copy.   (For all his wittiness Big Sean couldn't come up with a new name for his album?!?)  See, I'm a CD guy.  The best way to listen to music is in your car playing on a compact disc.  I don't fuck with these soft kids and their aux cords and their Shazam apps.  But I'm straying off topic.  Finally Famous was either the first or second CD I've bought for my vast collection in my car.  (The first CD might be Aquemini by Outkast.)  As much as I didn't want to admit it I was really disappointed by Sean's first album.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad album.  There were several faves including "I Do It" and "High".  But then there were some songs that I'm OK with turning the volume down in my car for.  (I'm looking at you "Live This Life" and "Wait For Me".)  I don't blame Sean 100% for it.  It felt like Kanye's only involvement in the album process was his weak ass verse in "Marvin & Chardonnay".  (More on that later.)  Plus No I.D. was scrapping the bottom of the barrel for beats to give to this album.  That's partly Sean's fault for not realizing No I.D. was crafting home-brewed gar-bage.  I liked "I Do It" though.

Before his sophomore album, Hall of Fame, released I was more optimistic about backing the guy.  His FT on Drake's "All Me" and Cruel Summer's "Clique" gave signs of hope.  Big Sean hosted a block party in the Fillmore area in San Francisco to promote his album.  For me it solidified his place in all time coolest rappers.  I'm not just talking about his steeze and the shit he rocks; I mean Big Sean is actually a cool ass dude.  If I could choose any rappers to hang out with for a day I would probably pick Sean, 2 Chainz and Snoop.  The album finally came out and this time there were better results.  First of all, there was less No I.D.  In other words there were better beats.  The album had more high points than his last.  "Mona Lisa" and "Milf" are all time favorites.  The album also had this inspiration and motivational vibe to it too.  I just felt like accomplishing my goals after going through the album.  But he was still being slept on by other folk.  The only song on the album that was getting radio airplay was "Beware", which I was never really a fan of.  On top of that Sean got overshadowed by Kendrick Lamar's verse on "Control" which didn't even make the album cut.  Big Sean needed more than just a solid album.  He needed a good fucking album, something that was going to be remembered.  Those were the stakes coming into Dark Sky Paradise.

Sometime in September I'm scrolling down my Facebook timeline on my phone to see a Complex post stating Big Sean just dropped four songs.  My boss wasn't in the office so I hopped on the computer to check the songs out.  "Jit/Juke" was cool but ultimately forgettable.  "Fourth Quarter" was the long awaited sequel to Sean's "First Quarter".  My favorite song out of that foursome ended up being the Mike Will Made It produced "Paradise".  I really fucked with "I Don't Fuck With You" when it first came out, but I had no idea it would have to success it did.  All this set in motion the momentum needed to hype up his highly anticipated third-time's-the-charm album.  Big Sean killed FT's left and right including Meek Mill's "D-Boy".  By the time Sean dropped "Blessings" I had heard all I needed to hear.  On February 24th, the date of its release, I drove over to the nearest CD store and got myself a copy.  Here are my thoughts on the tracks going in order of my least favorite to the most unforgettable.  (I bought the deluxe version of the album but for all intents and purposes I'm only reviewing the original 12 tracks.)

"Outro" (Track 12)
This is obviously the last track of the album.  I wasn't expecting much from a song titled "Outro".  I'm actually a little surprised it wasn't a skit or a monologue or some shit.  I could do without it.  If I ever come across it when I have my iPod on shuffle I'll probably skip it.  Reminded me of a lost track off Finally Famous the album.

"Play No Games" ft Chris Brown & Ty Dolla $ign (Track 5)
The first half of Dark Sky Paradise was practically flawless.  "Play No Games" is the least memorable.  The song feels like Big Sean's attempt to make it on someone's "Love Making Music" playlist.  Joke's on him though.  I usually use the R. Kelly station on Pandora for that type of activity.  It was a cool track though, it just didn't stack up right sitting between "I Don't Fuck With You" and "Paradise".

"One Man Can Change the World" ft Kanye West & John Legend (Track 11)
I feel guilty for not loving this song.  I want to like it, I really do.  Sean is delivering a sweet ode to his grandmother who was a huge influence in his life.  John Legend is riding the wave from his Oscar winning "Glory".  I'm just not loving it though.  Is it because Kanye is autotuneing?  Yeah, that plays a part.  Is it because it reminds me too much of "Memories Part II"?  OK, that's fair too.  (Side note: "Memories Part II" wasn't actually a bad song, it just got me the most vexed.  It was literally just "Memories" with a bad No I.D. beat and a John Legend hook.

"Dark Sky (Paradise)" (Track 1)
 Big Sean came out the gates guns a-blazing.  The song really set the vibe for the rest of the album.  Bars were pretty good, not great.  When the beat finally dropped then the song really took off for me.  I also thoroughly enjoyed the music video to this joint.  If I came across this song on my iPod I'd let it play through.  Like I said earlier, the first half of the album was perfectly crafted.

"I Know" ft Jhene Aiko (Track 9)
Originally I had this song ahead of "Deep" but after a few more listens I moved this song back a bit.  I still fuck with this song though.  This wasn't Mustard's best beat but it was still cool.  Now, I gotta be perfectly honest here.  I don't like Jhene Aiko as much as everyone else does.  I like her, but it always seems like everyone is always gushing over her.  Yeah, she's pretty and she sings good, but maybe I'm not seeing something everyone else sees.  That being said, I like her on this song and also "Win Some, Lose Some".

"Deep" ft Lil Wayne (Track 10)
Last time Lil Wayne hopped on a Big Sean track was on Hall of Fame's "Beware".  I didn't like "Beware" and a big part of that was Wayne's basura 16.  (Wayne really pronounced moped as mo-pad.)  I don't remember the last time I was excited about a Wayne FT.  But Wayne was OK this time around.  The beat was fire though and Sean did his thing on the track.  I've grown to really appreciate the way Sean switches up flows.

"Win Some, Lose Some" (Track 7)
This part gets tough because the rest of these songs are really freakin' good.  I didn't like this song on my first listen, but listen number two made me a fan.  There's something hauntingly beautiful about the beat.  It's one of my favorites so far in 2015.  I liked Jhene on the hook here and Big Sean wasn't playing games on this song.  It's one of those Big Sean songs that gets you going.  Plus, I love the touch of adding Big Sean's dad speaking at the end of the track.

"Stay Down" (Track 8)
This song was a pleasant surprise.  Da Internz blessed us with this beat and Big Sean had his way with it.  This is the song that feels right when you play it in the car on your way out with your boys.  Which brings me to another point about this album: I like how basically every song on this album serves a purpose.  There's no wasted space on this song as apposed to his other songs.  I loved Hall of Fame but there were a bunch of tracks that seemed like were put there just to fill up space.

"I Don't Fuck With You" ft E-40 (Track 4)
I know this jokes been written by every single person who's reviewed this album.  But I'm not above plagiarizing according to some crazy allegations by my school during my sophomore year in college.  So here it goes: I do fuck with you, Big Sean.  And I fuck with this song.  This is easily Sean's biggest commercial hit of his career and although the constant radio airtime almost killed it for me, it's still one of my favorite joints.  I like a bitter Big Sean, and yes, I'm taking his side in his split with Naya even if I have no idea why they split.  This is more than a song, it's an anthem for any bitter breakup.  There's some venom in the hook and the wordplay is there as always.  DJ Mustard laced the beat right and E-40, who is arguably one of the most consistent rapper, provided a solid guest appearance.  And I'm not just saying that because he's from the Bay.

"Blessings" ft Drake (Track 2)
There's something about Detroit that just produces rappers on top of rappers.  Big Sean went in on this track.  This is the Big Sean I'm hoping to hear when I put on one of his tracks.  The album version of this song did not feature Kanye West's verse... and I'm OK with that.  Let's talk about Drake for a second though.  I liked the hook and all but that's where I end the compliments.  I forgot whose review I read but somebody wrote that Sean "held his own" against Drake.  Sean killed Drake!  End of discussion.  Drake mailed his guest verse in.  You might think I'm biased because I'm not a Drake fan.  Yeah, I think that I'm more petrified of a two-year old blowing bubbles than Drake and that he's a simp.  I'm also irked by the fact that people gave Drake credit for the hashtag flow when he bit that flow off Big Sean's "Supa Dupa" flow.  But I'll admit when Drake drops a loose single or hops on someone else's song I get pretty excited.  Drake has had some of the best guest spots in recent memory.  This was disappointing.  It was as if Drake wrote his 16 in the car on the way to Sean's house to record it.

"All Your Fault" ft Kanye West (Track 3)
I was more excited about the fact that Kanye actually produced this song than the fact that he was on it.  I hate it when Kanye, Dr. Dre or Pharrell hop on a song and provide no contribution to the production of the song.  It's like LeBron coming into the game just to set screens.  But Kanye is easily the best rapper of those three producers just listed so sometimes it's cool if he just hops on the song.  But that wasn't the case on "Marvin & Chardonnay" where it appeared like Kanye did everything possible to sabotage the song.  This time around Kanye dropped a classic beat and his rhymes were on point too.  He didn't outdo Big Sean, but that's more of testament to Big.  And I loved when 'Ye and Sean traded bars towards the end of the song.  Easily one of my favorite parts of the whole album.  Originally had this song as my favorite, but I had to give it the silver.  Yeezy's line, "If you leave Mickey, you gone end up with a Goofy", just could not be ignored.

"Paradise" (Track 6)
I loved this song the moment it came out and several months later it's still my favorite.  Mike Will Made It beats are usually hit or miss for me.  This was a hit.  I don't know why it didn't blow up like "I Don't Fuck With You" but it just didn't.  It seemed like this track was crafted for this album and the rest of the songs were built around it.  The best analogy for this album in this case is the OKC Thunder with Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant.  "Paradise" is Kevin Durant.  The team is built around its best player, KD.  The album is built around "Paradise"  Westbrook in this metaphor is "I Don't Fuck With You": more excited to watch/listen.  Maybe it's not the perfect analogy (not by a long shot) but it's about how shots you attempt, regardless of the misses.  Big Sean skates on the track seamlessly with his witty wordplay that led us to Big Sean in the first place, and his flow switch-up.

Final Verdict
This exactly what we needed from Big Sean.  There were no wasted tracks this time around.  Hopefully no one is still sleeping on him after this album, but you never know.  It's been a long time coming but I think it's safe to say he finally dropped a great album.  It's his best work since Finally Famous Vol. 3.  His rhyme game and beat selection finally met at the right spot.  Plus I actually really liked the album artwork this time around, and to me it affects the score.  So far he has the best album of 2015, and yes I'm including Drake's surprise album, If You're Reading This It's Too Late, which was kinda good at best.  Will Dark Sky Paradise hold that title at the end of the year?  It's hard to say yes considering everything that's dropping in 2015.  And who knows, maybe Dre finally drops Detox.  (That's obviously a joke.  That's never coming out.  Sorry if I got your hopes up.)  For now I'll just give this album an official score of Guapo.  Here's the official seal to make it official.

Thank you for reading my review.  You can go ahead and cop his album, or not.  He doesn't pay me so I don't really care.  This was my first time writing an album review so let me know if I should stop in the comment section below.  It won't affect whether I do so again in the future, but I like to get you guys involved.  Make sure you check out my NBA blog, Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  Make sure you come back to this blog for more.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Add me on Snapchat; user name is crunchtimemario.  Listen to my radio show "Talk With Guaps" at kdhr.net.  That's it for my time, stay Guapo out there.

Ranking the J.R.R. Tolkien Movies

Happy New Year!  I am El Guapo and I'd like to thank you for reading my first post of 2015.  (Did I originally write 2014?  You betcha!)  Now, as much as I love to write and update my blog it just hasn't been possible recently.  With school, work and other factors getting in the way (not to mention Netflix marathons) I had to put Infinite Wisdom on the back burner.  But don't get it twisted, the Guaps hasn't run out of ideas.  Things like writers block just aren't a problem for me.  I got more ideas than I can possibly write about.  So to anyone whose been worried that I've lost my touch you can sleep easy knowing that as long as the sun shines I'll always be there for you.  Now that I've filled up about a half a paragraph I can introduce the topic of this post: the Tolkien movies.  Basically we're talking about the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Hobbit shouldn't-have-been-a-trilogy-but-ended-up-being-a-trilogy-anyway trilogy.  Now when the first Hobbit came out I wrote a thoughtful review on it as well as a review on the second installment of the film.  I saw the third and final movie when it came out and to tell you the truth I've been just too lazy to write a full on review on the movie.  But how fair is that?  It's like if the Oakland A's played the best baseball in the league for the first half of the season only to completely fall apart in the- oh, wait... (Do I sound bitter?)  Point is I couldn't leave you guys wanting more without ever getting anything out of it.  So I decided to rank the six movies from worst to best.  So let's get going.

6. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I was super excited when I heard an announcement of a Hobbit movie.  I was even more excited when I found out Peter Jackson was going to bring some of his LOTR magic to An Unexpected Journey.  Now I really liked this movie but it didn't have the same magic as the previous trilogy.  It looked gorgeous on screen and it was a fun film to watch but I realized the limitations of this franchise fairly quickly.  I've always told my friends that I like reading The Hobbit more than any of the Lord of the Rings books.  However, the prequel movies weren't as good as the LOTR trilogy because the stakes weren't as high.  What seems more urgent: stopping an evil lord from retrieving an all powerful ring and taking over the world or helping a dwarf get his home back?  One seems like one of the most epic tales in cinematic history (which it was), the other seems like a very pleasant story to hear about.  Again, I really liked the first Hobbit, I just wasn't blown away.

5. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Here's the thing about The Hobbit.  It's a pretty big book.  It's a good book, but it's pretty long.  Might be a little much to stuff into one movie.  Two films for the this one long book is understandable, but three fucking movies?!?  Three?!?  I know the book is long but this isn't the Bible we're talking about.  Three is just too much.  I like The Battle of the Five Armies, I really do.  But I can't get over how exhausted I felt towards the end of it.  It felt like Peter Jackson was trying his best to kill time by adding subplots that weren't in the original book.  I'm not complaining, but why is an older looking, but technically younger, Legolas even in this movie.  (Side note: I love when people say "I'm not complaining, but..." and then follow that up with a complaint.)  Let's get to the good stuff though.  The movie started off with Smaug destroying a town.  How many movies start off with a fucking dragon battle?  I can only name one right now, and that movie is called The Battle of the Five Armies.  (I'm too lazy too do any additional research so if you can think of any dragon battle movie openers, you keep that to yourself.)  Who else loved watching Thorin get cabin fever (or mine fever)?  There's something about watching someone go completely paranoid that makes any movie better.  Then watching Thorin snap back to reality and battle some bad guys.  So my official grade will indeed be another Guapo.

4. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
This movie was the best of the Hobbit trilogy.  I happened to see this movie three times in theaters, but it wasn't necessarily on purpose.  It was one of those situations where multiple people keep asking you to watch the same movie and you end up doing so because you're such a good friend/son/boyfriend.  But I wasn't mad at the fact that I saw the movie three times within two weeks.  This was easily the most enjoyable of the three, though not as good as any of the Lord of the Rings movies.  The intros were already taken care of in An Unexpected Journey so Desolation of Smaug just had to pick up where the last installment left off.  And unlike The Battle of the Five Armies, this film didn't give me that feeling of exhaustion.  It was one continuing flow of adventure from beginning to end.  Some of the highlights include the Dwarfs and Bilbo's escape from the Elvish prison/water rapids scene, the introduction of Legolas' character (again, not in the book), and Smaug and Bilbo's cat and mouse game.  The only thing that would have made this movie better is an actual cat and mouse game.  (That's something I'd really like to witness, but something tells me that PETA and my sister would hate me forever.)

3. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings
No disrespect to the Hobbit movies, but I'd rather watch a LOTR movie any day of the week.  Out of the three amazing installments of The Lord of the Rings, Fellowship is probably the weakest.  But saying it's the weakest implies that The Fellowship of the Rings is weak in any way, which is not true.  So instead I'll say the first chapter of the trilogy is the least super-awesome.  I've seen this movie countless times, more than any other movie on this list.  Probably has to do with the fact that I own the movie on DVD.  (It was originally a gift for my dad back in the early 2000's.  Eventually things just fall on my lap.  Kinda like my dad's old The Chronic CD.  I'm digressing.  Point is, my dad now owns the trilogy on Blu-Ray.)  As a rule the first movie in a trilogy is almost always gonna rank at the bottom.  (This rule only applies if the franchise was intended to be a trilogy from the get-go.)  Why this rule?  The first movie is where they pack the story and character introductions as much as possible, so there's less shit going on.  I'm not saying I didn't like meeting the Fellowship, but meeting characters is very time consuming.  (Side note: the Fellowship > Bilbo & the Dwarfs)  Two things stand out about The Fellowship of the Rings.  First off, Gandalf's "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" scene has been ingrained in my memory bank, popular culture and cinema history. That counts for something.  Second, Boromir stole the temporary "Best cinema death" crown from Gandalf at the end of the movie.  (Spoiler alert!)  I mean seriously, if I ever do die, I want to go out like Boromir.  Actually, no.  That seems really painful.

Spoiler alert: Boromir dies.  But you probably figured that out.

2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
The last movie of the LOTR trilogy racked up a fuck-ton of statues at the Academy Awards.  Return of the King won Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Costume Design, just to rattle off a few of the 11 awards.  Shit, even the guy who delivered coffee to Elijah Woods' trailer got an Oscar.  I can't emphasize enough how good this movie really was.  This movie was probably one of the most anticipated movies of all time.  Let me put it this way: when the second Hobbit movie was released I said to myself, "That was good.  I can't wait for the final movie."  Then about a week later I forgot about the movie.  A bunch of months went by until I saw the trailer for the final Hobbit movie, and I got excited again.  Compare that to the time The Two Towers came out.  I was quietly waiting for The Return of the King for a full year.  I was constantly wondering when the teaser was coming out, then when the trailer was coming out, and finally when the actual film was dropping.  That's called anticipation.  Not every movie demands that type of anticipation, but The Return of the King did.  And when the movie finally came out, it delivered.  The closer we inched the end the more intense it got.  Peter Jackson put his foot on the gas and never let up.  It was the ending, though, that kind of sank this movie from the top spot.  I'm not saying it was a bad ending at all.  (Saying so would be more an insult to Tolkien than Peter Jackson.)  I just think the ending took too long.  From the point where Frodo and Sam are rescued by Gandalf's eagles to the moment the screen turned black and "Directed by Peter Jackson" popped up took way too long.  I swear that whole period felt like another full length picture show.  (I sound old.)

1. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
You know those movies that you catch on cable TV all the time.  (If you've seen a movie on TV more than six times then it qualifies.  Movies that make the cut are Home Alone and for some reason every Vin Diesel movie ever made.)  The thing about those movies is that I always tune in at the same exact spot.  For The Two Towers, I always tune in during the battle at Helm's Deep.  I don't condone war, but that scene is the battle scene to end all battle scenes.  I really liked the battle scene in The Battle of the Five Armies, but it doesn't hold a candle to this one.  It's really this scene that catapulted (pun intended) this movie to the top of the list.  There's more though.  As much as I loved seeing the fellowship together in the first film, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli just work better as a trio.  The hobbits are really just a liability to them.  Frodo and Sam first meet Gollum in this movie, one of the most memorable movie characters in recent history.  I'm not sure if Golluming was invented during this movie, but the term was definitely coined because of it.  Gandalf the Grey came back as Gandalf the White.  (That part still confuses me.  Please don't attempt to explain it to me.  I won't pay attention and I'll only get more confused.)  Um... what else?  Oh! Pip and Merry talk to some trees.  Tie all this together and you have the best film in the six-movie franchise.

Go buy the box set!

That's my time everyone.  Sorry it took so long to post a new blog.  Truth be told this post took longer than any other post I've written in a very long time.  But it's finished now and that's all that matters.  If you want to read my original movie reviews for An Unexpected Journey or The Desolation of Smaug you can click on the links.  Follow me on Tumblr at sirelguapo.tumblr.com.  Be sure to keep up with me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Fuck it, I'll even hit you guys with my Snapchat: Crunchtimemario.  Be sure to look out for my blog posts on this site as well as my new site Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  Have a great 2015 and stay Guapo out there!