Sunday, July 22, 2012

Batman Movies Ranked

Hey guys, this is El Guapo back by popular demand.  (I'm popular.  I demanded it.)  Thursday night was the long awaited premier of the Dark Knight Rises, the latest Batman movie and the last chapter of the Dark Knight Trilogy.  As expected I was there at the premiere.  Actually I went to this special at AMC Theatres that showed Batman Begins and the Dark Knight before the Dark Knight Rises.  I got to comparing the three movies, and then I got to comparing all of the Batman movies.  See, originally I was just going to write a review on the Dark Knight Rises and call it a night.  But where's the fun in that?  So instead I decided to go ahead and rank all the Batman movies.  Your welcome.  We're talking live action movies here, so if you get upset that Batman Year One didn't make the cut, it's because it didn't qualify.  I'd like to remind the readers that my word is law, so these are the official rankings.  Enjoy.

8. Batman & Robin (1997)
This is probably the only movie on this list that I will call horrible.  There are so many things wrong with this movie.  Let's start with Joel Schumacher's decision to put nipples on the Batsuit.  Come on, bro.  Plus there's this whole scene where Batman and Robin are ice-skating for some diamond.  George Clooney was a pretty bad Batman.  Then there's Mr. Freeze's terrible, god-awful ice puns, (I didn't completely hate those) and they really fucked up with Bane.  Schumacher made Bane an unintelligent pawn.  Basically just a really strong henchman.  Only positives is having Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone as Poison Ivy and Batgirl, and it's not because of their acting abilities.

7. Batman Forever (1995)
I actually really enjoy watching Batman Forever.  In fact, Batman Forever was the first Batman movie I ever watched as a child.  When Joel Schumacher took over the Batman series from Tim Burton it was supposed to be more kid friendly and shit.  But even as I watch it today I can still enjoy it.  However I've come across a lot of people that don't like this movie, and I'm not oblivious as to why.  It gets pretty corny at times and that's really just Schumacher's fault.  Plus Tommy Lee Jones played Two-Face like the he was the Joker but less intelligent, which kind of ruins it for me.  A lot of people have a problem with Jim Carey's performance as the Riddler.  In all honesty I didn't hate it, but I could understand why someone would.  But let's talk positives.  Val Kilmer was a pretty cool Batman.  I liked the Robin origin.  And Nicole Kidman was a baddie.  (Yeah, she was.)

6. Batman (1989)
I'd like to start off by saying I'm not a fan of Tim Burton.  (So many people will hate me for saying this, but I'm not apologizing.)  I'm not a hater, I'm just not a fan of the way he directs his movies.  Not my cup of tea. I did think Batman was a pretty good movie though.  However I did have problems with this movie.  For one, they have a Joker origin story.  I really feel like Joker is a character that just should not have an origin story.  Plus the Joker was played by Jack Nicholson, and who wants to see Jack's fat ass dance around in clown make-up.  (I don't.)  Michael Keaton was a good Batman, but he looks too much like an average Joe to play billionaire Bruce Wayne.

5. Batman (1966)
Can't go wrong with the classics.  Adam West as Batman.  Burt Ward as Robin.  Four villains including Catwoman, the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin.  You got the "Pow" and "Wham" frames when someone get's punched.  Robin saying his catch phrase, "Holy _____, Batman!"  And of course my favorite quote of the movie: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.  Sure it's not action heavy, but I've always thought of this movie as comedy anyway.

4. Batman Begins (2005)
Christopher Nolan rebooted the franchise in 2005 and he didn't disappoint.  First of all, I love origin stories.  And I love Ra's Al Ghul and the League of Shadows.  I liked seeing Bruce Wayne training.  Christian Bale was fucking awesome as Bruce Wayne/ Batman.  It was definitely one of the better Batman movies, especially considering Batman and Robin was the last movie that was released.  (It was still fresh in my mind.)  Michael Caine was a good Alfred.  Katie Holmes is cute.  She's not a baddie, but she's definitely cute.  You got Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman.  And then there's Liam Neeson.  Every time I hear Liam speak I just shutter.  He has a super manly voice.  If there was ever a definition for a man's voice, it's definitely Liam's voice.  Scarecrow, one of my favorite villains, was there.  The Tumbler was a really cool vehicle.  The scene where the cops are chasing  Batman in the Tumbler is one of my favorites of all the Batman movies.

3. Batman Returns (1992)
The number 3 spot goes to Tim Burton's second installment of the Batman series.  Michael Keaton returned as Batman and this time Batman faced two villains.  First you got Catwoman played by Michelle Pfeiffer, (oh yeah) and then you got the Penguin played by Danny DeVito.  (Oh, Ok.)  And then you got CATWOMAN played by MICHELLE PFIEFFER!! (OH YEAH!!!)  I love Catwoman.  The character is just sexy.  Plus she's not really a villain.  She's more of an anti-hero.  And when I saw this movie growing up the Penguin scared the shit out of me.  Ok, he didn't really scare me, he just freaked me out.  Oh and Mr. Christopher Walken plays the terrible Max Shrek, and who doesn't like Christopher Walken.

2. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
So here we are.  The Dark Knight Rises.  Goddamn was this good.  First I want to thank Christopher Nolan for making such a great series.  Ok, that's enough thank you's for today.  This movie basically picks up about 8 years after the end of the second movie.  Batman had retired, in comes Bane, and Batman is back.  Awesome.  First, Tom Hardy did an awesome job playing Bane.  (Way better than that douche in Batman & Robin.)  And Tom Hardy got big for this role.  I mean really big.  I mean, I can't imagine what his workout routine was like.  Plus, I swear this guy got taller.  At least six inches or so.  Tom Hardy is not that tall in real life, and he was towering over Batman.

Then you have Catwoman.  (OH YEAH!!)  Now when I first heard Anne Hathaway was playing Catwoman I was a bit skeptical.  I thought, "Wait, you're telling me that "Ella Enchanted" is going to be playing Catwoman?  Seriously?  The girl from the Princess Diaries?  I mean, she's cute and all, but your body has to be shmachin' to get in that Catwoman suit."  And my God, was her body shmakin'.  If anyone has ever proven me wrong, Anne Hathaway has.  And when she got on that Bat-bike?  (OH YEAH!!)  Enough about Catwoman.  I really liked the story.  Christopher Nolan did a great job of tying this movie in with the first and second movie.  The movie did get a little emotional and I have to admit I almost cried.  In addition the fight scenes in this movie were probably the best of all the Batman movies, and the ending was very satisfying.  So without further delay, let me present this movie with my official rating:  Guapisimo!!  The first one yet!

1.  The Dark Knight (2008)
Here's how I know the Dark Knight was the best Batman movie.  While I was watching The Dark Knight Rises all I kept thinking was how it compared to the Dark Knight.  And The Dark Knight Rises came close, but at the end of the day I have to give the crown to the Dark Knight, and here's why:  The Joker.  Heath Ledger played the Joker as well as anyone ever could.  He probably gave one of the best performances of anybody to ever fortunate enough to be in a Batman movie.  There were so many memorable scenes in this movie that revolved around the Joker.  Batman stepped his game up from the last movie and kicked ass again.  I liked this movie's take on Two-Face way better than Batman Forever's with Aaron Eckhart playing Harvey Dent.  If there's even a down-side to this movie it would be the fact that they replaced Katie Holmes with Maggie Gyllenhaal.  (Come on, let's be real.)

So that's it guys.  Thank you for reading my masterpiece.  If you love what I'm doing on my blog (you do)  then sit tight, because I'm not going away.  I'm on Twitter, so follow me @ELGUAPO3, and I'm also on Tumblr, the name being Sirelguapo.  I'm open to suggestions, so If you have anything you want me to discuss  please feel free to leave your suggestion in the comments section below. Stay Guapo out there.