Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Guapo's Pet Peeves

Hey you love birds and loners without dates!  El Guapo here back with a special (late) post for St. Valentines Day!  Oh what's that?  You hate Valentine's Day because it's a Hallmark holiday based on consumerism?  (Yeah, and coupled with the fact that my man/girl left me/ I couldn't get a date in time... again.)  Yeah, well, that sucks for you.  That's all I have to say on that.  Moving on, let's talk about what Valentine's Day is all about.  If you take this holiday down to its roots , it celebrates the life and works of Saint Valentine.  Valentine lived in Rome where the persecutions of Christians was pretty common.  (Bummer.)  In fact, even helping Christians was a crime at this time.  But one man decided that he didn't care about Roman laws.  That man, as you might have guessed, was Valentine.  Valentine married Christian couples until he eventually got caught.  Like most people, he died.  Actually, he didn't just die, he was executed on February 14th.  (Why do you know this story?)  Because I went to Catholic School for 13 years.  The whole point of this story is to give you one possible meaning for Valentine's Day from a Catholic perspective.  If you don't have a date just think of this day as the celebration of a bad ass with a heart of gold.  Moving on.

In case you were wondering I had a wonderful time on V-Day with my girl.  I know that stings to hear for you ladies out there, but Guaps is still off the market and it doesn't seem like I'll be restocked anytime soon.  But in the unfortunate event that my lady dies in a horrific elevator accident or gets eaten by a raccoon (not likely but plausible), I'm going to give a a brief tutorial on things you should not do in a relationship with me.  In fact most of these helpful tips would apply to relationships with most dudes.  Here is what not to do:

Don't Bring Up Exes
Not mine or yours.  Mine just got eaten by a shark, why would you even mention it?  It's just not smart.  I'm not in good terms with one of mines and I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to hear about guys you were with.  I live in the present and you should live in the present with your partner.

Don't Try to Guess What I'm Going to Say:
This one is really specific to me.  I know it's cute when couples can complete each other's sentences.  Here's the thing, though.  Most people are pretty predictable, but I'm not.  You can never really guess what I'm about to -TUNA SANDWICH!  See.  This actually gets annoying from a day to day basis because everyone and their momma thinks they know where my story is going.

Don't Spoil the Ending to a Movie or a TV Show
It ruins the fun of it.  My girl does this all the time and it's annoying as hell.  The whole fun of a movie is that element of surprise.  It's the reason I stopped liking the Harry Potter movies: I knew how it was going to end.

Don't Jinx the Game
I'm a little superstitious.  And I get pretty intense during games.  Those two aren't a good mix but there's a way to tiptoe around that.  The one thing you should not do, though, is say, "There's no way the other team is coming back," during crunch time.  If they do there is only one person I can blame for the loss.

(Fuck the Broncos!)

Don't Change the Settings On My Radio
I have a really good taste of music so there is never really need to touch my radio in the car.  But if you really want to change the music I'll be happy to oblige.  But the one thing that cannot be changed is the saved radio stations.  Unless you're paying the gas or registration or something, only I can do that.

Don't Go Through My Phone Texts
I hated it when my ex did this.  You're not going to find anything.  I want to be trusted and I'm going to trust you.  You can go ahead and play Flappy Bird and do whatever you want with my phone but if I get the slightest inclination that I can't trust you with my phone it's all bad.

Don't Invite People to Tag Along Without My Consent
People already invite themselves to shit I didn't invite them to already.  What I don't need is someone encouraging that.  If I come up with a plan and invite you and only you that means it was intended that way.  That also means I have the power to decide if anyone else is invited.  Feel free to ask me if it's cool if someone tags along, but don't just go out Facebook inviting people to an intimate event.

Don't Feed Me Shrimp
I'm allergic.  (Yes, the Guaps has allergies.)  If you want to see me die slip some shrimp in my food.  Or any shellfish for that matter.  Fuck it, sneak a cat in my house and I'll be on the floor in a second.

Don't Joke That You Are Pregnant
Worst joke in the history of jokes.  I'm serious.  This is possibly the cruelest joke you can ever tell a guy.  It's worse than telling a guy his mother is dead.  There are so many things I would rather let happen than to get a girl pregnant.  I would be cool with getting gonorrhea or chlamydia.  I would be cool with getting laid off.  (Happened before.)  I would be cool with my car being totaled.  Really, really, really don't want a kid.  So don't joke around with that.

So that's it guys.  Get used to this because I'm a lazy writer.  I hope you guys had a wonderful or at least an OK Valentine's Day.  I know I had a great one.  As usual follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 or Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Blah Blah Blah.  Remember, even if the Guaps doesn't know you, he's still in your hearts.  Stay Guapo out there!