Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review

Happy Holidays!  It's Santa Guaps coming at you with a sleigh full of goodies.  But I ain't bringing you toys and shit, I'm bringing my thought.  (Waaay better than toys.)  About a year ago I saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey and wrote a review on it.  I figured why not do it again for the second installment of the series.  And like last year I'm writing this review late so I'm sticking with traditions.  So let's check out how this movie compared to the last and end 2013 right for Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.

I'll kick this off by first saying Peter Jackson is amazing.  The dude knows how to direct the shit out of a movie and make that look beautiful.  Just look at his track record.  The dude was built for this directing shit.  He could film me taking a shit and turn that footage into fucking art.  (Probably could content for a Golden Globe.)  So once again his sprinkles his magic into this film.  This was easily more interesting than the first but that's only because the first was setting all the pieces together.  This movie had all the action AND we got to see Smaug the dragon.  The movie is also really inspiring.  In the two times I watched it I realized the Bilbo really does all the legwork but he doesn't get much respect and that's real.  Without Bilbo the crew of dwarfs would still be in the Shire, but they're not gonna praising him like they praise Thorin.  That applies directly in life.  Sometimes you'll be doing a lot of good work and you won't get credit or it and then somebody just strolls along and steals your thunder.  Sometimes you just got to live with that.  (The Guaps knows a thing or two about that.

We met some new characters this time around like the shape-shifter guy and the elves, including hot she-elf  Tauriel and our old friend Legolas.  Now if you're wondering if Legolas was in the book the answer is no.  So if you're one of those purists who believe that movies should stick as close to the book as possible this might make you upset.  What made me upset is how Orlando Bloom decided to take a hiatus from acting and came back fat.  (Was I the only one who noticed Legolas gained a good 10 lbs?)  Orlando Bloom had a good streak a movies in the early 2000s and I'm guessing after he made The Three Musketeers he decided it was time to stop hitting the gym.  Anyways the elves were pretty dope in this movie.  Even if Legolas is not in the book, he and she-elf added another notch to this film.

This movie gets a Guapo.  It was a solid movie, better than the first, but nothing mind blowing.  I still recommend it though.  If you love great adventure movies with amazing cinematography then this is the film for you.  Now I can't wait for the last installment.  And with that I'll end my post.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  You can also catch me on Tumblr at  Have a happy holiday season and look out for the Guaps in 2014.  Stay Guapo out there!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

10 Best Robots in Movies

What's up all.  Guapo is back with another edition of Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  I know y'all been waiting on my latest post and since Thanksgiving is coming up I thought I'd give you guys an early present.  (So what's with the lack of posts?)  Good question.  And I actually have a good excuse this time.  As you should be well aware of, I've been writing for my secondary blog, Infinite Wisdom on Boardwalk Empire, and it's taken up a lot of my time.  Not to worry because Sunday night was the finale and after that, no more excuses.  (You said that last time!)  Right you are!  I guess you're catching on quick.  Just remember that I'm doing this shit for free.  I do this for the people.  That being said I'm taking donations.  You can send cash but I'll also take Visa, Mastercard, Amex, PayPal and all that shit.  Fuck it, I'll take a traveler's check.  What the heck, I might even take EBT.  The point is, I don't have time to be writing every week if it's not putting food on my mahogany table.  So let's just appreciate what I do give you.  I present to you: The 10 Best Robots in Movies.  A few criteria before we get started:
1) Robot must be from a live-action movie.  (Sorry Wall-E fans.)
2) Robot must be able to think on its own.  So no remote controlled machines.
3) In the case where a robot is part human I'll use my better judgement to decide if he qualifies.

Here we go!

10. ED-209 (Robocop)
This isn't Robocop, it's the other robot in the movie.  The first one they show.  In a somehow successful Detroit (imagine that!) crime is still a problem.  So the big thinkers come up with this new machine that enforces law.  They test it out on a subject in the board meeting but there's a malfunction and the machine shoots the shit out of the motherfucker.  Funniest scene ever!  I mean the robot must've shot the dude like 50 times or some shit.  Reason why it's at the bottom of the list though is because 1) everyone in this damn movie needs 30 bullets to put them down and 2) this machine's biggest weakness is stairs.  That ends up losing him the fight against Robocop.

9. Terminator X (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
This robot comes from the worst movie in the Terminator series.  (Yes, even that Christian Bale Terminator was better.)  But this cyborg was the most advanced machine in the series.  The first movie introduced us to a cybernetic organism that appeared fully human on the outside but totally machine on the inside.  The second movie gave us a machine that was liquid metal.  So how can they possibly improve on the next model?  Boobs.  The only scene I like in the whole movie is when the Terminator X gets pulled over by a cop and, after seeing a billboard with a girl with big knockers, makes her tits grow.  While we're at it let's loop this selection with the Fembots from the Austin Powers movies.  They shot bullets out of their boobs!

8. C-3PO & R2-D2 (Star Wars series)
Before George Lucas butchered a beloved and classic trilogy with a less than stellar (and that's putting it nicely) trilogy, he introduced us to two lovable robots that should be familiar to anyone who didn't grow up in the Himalayas.  We followed these two robots for 6 movies and never stopped loving them.  They are essentially the heart and soul of the series.  You can't have a Star Wars movie without R2 and 3PO.  Period.  These two go together like peanut butter and chocolate.  Let's hope we get to see more of them in the new movies.

7. The Sentinels (The Matrix series)
Real talk The Matrix is one of my favorite movies of all time.  Here's the question though: is Agent Smith a robot?  Naw.  He's a computer program.  But the sentinels are.  Those things were mad scary when I first saw them as a kid.  They look like robotic squids that fly.  Plus the movie was set in a time where the machines had taken over the world and used humans as a battery.  I remember thinking "what if we live in the Matrix and this shit isn't real" and shit.  (I still do.)

6. David (Prometheus)
This dude was half the excitement of the movie.  Anything that happened in Prometheus was either directly or indirectly caused by David.  (Mostly directly.)  Plus it was played by Michael Fassbender who's probably one of the best actors in the game right now.  I'm on record on how I feel about the acting chops of the Fass.  Dude was smooth in the movie.  Delivered the best lines in the joint.  I hear a lot of hate going toward Prometheus but I'm gonna stick to my guns on this one.  David made this movie one of my favorites that year.

5. Roy Batty (Blade Runner)
This dude was kicking Harrison Ford's ass!  Damn, he was bomb.  Probably my favorite Edward James Olmos movie.  (Yes, he was in the movie.  Go double check.)  But enough about EJO, let's talk about this robot, or replicant as they call them in Blade Runner.  Can you really call him a villain?  All he really was trying to do is be human, for real.  He was like the adult Pinocchio without the whole turning into a donkey and getting eaten by a whale thing.  He even redeemed himself at the end when (spoiler alert) he saved Harrison's life.  And was Harrison Ford's character a replicant too?  That's the biggest question that will have people debating forever.  Kinda like whether or not Leo DiCaprio was still dreaming or not in Inception.

4. Robocop (Robocop)
Even when this dude was human he was a motherfuckin' boss.  Dude was a cop and it took him like 200 bullets to take him down.  (Robocop laws, I guess)  Well this dude's body was taken by the scientists and turned into a law enforcement robot that real-life Detroit can probably use.  Had to make a judgement call on whether or not to include him on this list but at the end of the day I decided this dude was too dead to ever be considered human again.  Unfortunately I heard they are making a remake of this movie so be prepared to be disappointed.  (That's what I tell my family every time I call.)

3. T-1000 (Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
What's so good about this cyborg?  He was made out of liquid metal!  So he was able to morph into any person he came into contact with.  He was like Mystique from X-Men if Mystique was also a robot and could turn her arms into knives and shit.  It also helps that he was in one if the biggest movies in the history of movies.  (Credit goes to James Cameron.)  Was probably a few memorable lines from being higher on this list but this dude did have some memorable scenes.

2. Sonny (I, Robot)
I'm not a Will Smith dickrider like some people.  I don't hate the dude, I just don't think the dude is all that and a bag of chips.  (Who says that?)  I remember someone once said Will Smith has never made a bad movie.  He said that shit like Wild Wild West came out.  But I digress.  I, Robot was one of my favorite Will Smith movies and Sonny is a big reason why.  The robot had a sleek design was all around pretty dope to watch.  He actually reminds me of the robot in the Skyy vodka adds.  Side note: the movie was based on a book and has almost nothing in common with it.  (Not a surprise.)

1. T-800 (Terminator series)
Speaking of non-surprises, this pick shouldn't shock anyone.  Ahh-nold played the perfect cybernetic organism.  Living tissue over metal endo-skeleton.  And talk about character transformation.  The first movie had the Terminator as the villain.  He was an unstoppable force that could not be fucked with.  The protagonists needed three tries to bring this cyborg down.  Kyle Reese died on his second attempt.  But the Terminator wasn't done because he came back with a sequel.  But this time he's the hero.  (What?!)  Now he's going against an advanced prototype so he's obviously mismatched, right?  Naw, son.  The cyborg comes through again in crunch time.  What's more is this dude's anthology of one-liners.  If we forget the third Terminator movie was ever made (which we are doing) this robot had a really good run in the film industry.

And that's it guys.  I hope you guys enjoyed this post.  To be perfectly honest this isn't really a brand new post.  I actually wrote this piece years ago, about 4 years ago to be specific, when I was on my VLOG grind.  Then I realized I didn't like sitting in a chair in front of  my laptop ranting about things in multiple takes.  I'd rather sit down in a chair in front of my laptop and write out my rants in one take.  But it's not like I juts copy and pasted my old script word for word.  I added shit where it needed to be added and made modifications to the list.  I ain't the same person I was 4 years ago.  (Still better back then than most people are now though.)  My original list included "HAL 3000" from 2001: A Space Odyssey but I've come to the conclusion that "HAL" was more of a supercomputer than a robot.  I also originally had "Ash" from Alien and "Andrew" from Bicentennial Man but now that I think about it they're both weak as far as robots go.  (Appreciate my changes?)  

So with that I leave you guys with another quality post.  I know you guys have been waiting for some new and consistent posts but like I said, with the end of Boardwalk Empire I should have time on my hands again.  In fact, it actually got me to fix up a schedule to make sure I write.  Maybe I'll apply that organization habit to this post.  (Most likely not.)  But I got good works on deck with my end of the year post coming later this month, so be on the look out for that.  As always leave any comments, questions, suggestions or even complaints in the section below.  If you missed out on my secondary blog this fall you can still peep the archives.  The link is on the right in a section title Blogs I Fucks With.  The blog is called Infinite Wisdom on Boardwalk Empire.  Check it out if you love the show or just like me in general.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  I'm also on Tumblr at  Don't be afraid to friend me on Facebook or LinkedIn.  The worst and most likely scenario if you don't know me would be a rejection.  Ain't nothing wrong with that.  Hell, at the least it's a life lesson to kids out there afraid to dip their toes in the pool of dating.  Don't be afraid of asking that thick girl with the nice rack in your biology class out for dinner.  But most importantly remember to stay Guapo out there!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

My 10 Favorite Warriors Players (Version 2.0)

Shield your eyes from the light of my aura because Guapo has returned.  Another edition of Infinite Wisdom to feed your appetite.  I'm sure you guys have missed me as much as I've missed you, if not more.  I've been a little busy lately with my secondary blog on Boardwalk Empire.  If you've been keeping up with my new blog you've been getting your fix of Guaps.  But some of y'all don't like Boardwalk and I can't fault you (but I do anyway), and you just wait for the latest post on my main blog.  So here it is.  This is actually an update of an older post most of my readers should recognize.  With the newest NBA season approaching I thought it would be good (and easy) to update my post on my favorite Dub players.  So let's just get right into it.

10. Mickael Pietrus (2003-2008)

Oh, Mickael, you lovable French bastard.  Always full of personality.  I remember when I first found out he was French the first thing that came to my mind was, "Why is he black then?"  I was so young and naive.  Anyway, this dude was a corner three specialist.  He played some defense and dunked it every now and then, but his spot was that corner.

9. Kelenna Azubuike (2007-2010)

The Warriors have had a habit of picking up players from the D-League.  All the time.  Some of them have worked out (e.g. Reggie Williams) and some haven't (e.g. Chris Hunter).  Kelenna definitely worked out for us.  He was never a star or anything like that but he was consistent.

8. Al Harrington (2007-2008)


I'm not super crazy about this guy, but without him the Warriors wouldn't have had that amazing We Believe season.  He came to us in a trade that shipped away Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy (Thank God!), hit a bunch of threes for us, then a year and a half later decided he wanted to leave.  Last time I checked he's playing for Orlando Magic and I saw him on Attack of the Show.  That's not too bad, I guess.

7. Andris Biedrins (2004-2013)

Honestly I want to put 2004-2009.  I don't know what the fuck this guy is doing with his life anymore.  I guess he just lost all confidence.  Either way for a good 5 year span he was a consistent double-double kind of guy.  At this point of his career though he's happy to get to touch the ball 2 times a game.  Well now he (and his massive contract) are no longer our problem.  His legacy will be blemished with the last few years he had with us but he is the only player that was on the Warriors roster for both the 2007 and 2013 playoff runs.

6. David Lee (2010-Present)

This season he's been a walking 20-10 kind of guy.  He's proven to be one of the most dominant big men in the league.  (It's not like Andrew Bogut has gotten off his lazy ass to help David out either.)  To top it off he was selected to the All Star team this year becoming the first Warrior since Latrell Sprewell back in 1997.  He was this close to being moved up the list but I need a little something more from him.  I admired this guys courage and audacity in the 2013 playoffs.  He injured his crotch and was not supposed to play at all for the remainder of the playoffs.  In fact, this motherfucker was supposed to have surgery.  But this dude is tough.  If I stub a toe I use that as an excuse to not attend class for a few days.  This dude tore his hip flexor and was trying to get on the court.  Sure he didn't gave a big impact numbers wise, but that shit was inspiring, not only for the other players on the roster but for anyone watching the game.  

5. Stephen Jackson (2007-2009)

Captain Jack!  You can't not love this guy and his fast break threes.  We got him in the same trade that got us Al Harrington and helped the Warriors in their playoff run.  This guy was dynamite in a Warriors' uniform.  The dude hit 7 threes in game 6 of the first round of the playoffs against the Mavs, who we beat, and he did that shit with flash.  Every now and then Nellie had him run the point, and every now and then he would deliver.  Sure you can complain that he was constantly getting hit with technicals, sure he thought he was better than what he actually was, sure he fired a gun outside a strip club and was involved in Malice in the Palace, and yes he did leave the Warriors on bad terms, but that's what made him such an exciting player.  Currently he's back with the Spurs AND he's a rapper.  Talk about moving up in life.  

4. Baron Davis (2005-2008)

Baron.  After all these years I just want to say that I forgive you.  It took a while, but then I got to reminiscing about the good old days.  He was out there rocking the full beard before James Harden decided to do it.  At his peak with the Warriors I could say he was easily one of the top 5 point guards in the league. Easily.  He could do no wrong.  He had them handles, he threw those dimes, he had that flash and most of all he was clutch.  You might not know this, but they sometimes call me Crunch Time Guapo and everything I learned about being clutch I learned it from him.  This dude was fucking sick.  When he made those alley-oop connections with J-Rich it was like watching art.  And every now and then he would come in with that slam dunk.  He put the team on his back during the We Believe season, and for that I'm forever grateful.  Then, before the 08-09 season, Baron decided to leave the Warriors and join the Clippers.  Yes, the fucking Clippers.  And not the Black Griffin/Chris Paul-having Clippers, I'm talking about the Chris-Kaman-Is-The-Best-Player-They-Have Clippers.  But like I said, I have finally forgiven you.

3. Monta Ellis (2005-2012)

It was sad to see him go last season.  I basically watched him grow up on the basketball court.  His relationship with the Warriors was kind of like a roller coaster. He got that "Most Improved Player" during his second season, the same season we beat the Mavs, and I think we all knew he was going to be a really good player.  But then he decides to ride a moped and fucks up his ankle pretty badly.  (Dumbass!)  But the kid comes back right where he left off and better.  Even after the ankle injury this guy was one of the fastest players in the league.  He was a pure scorer.  If he only knows how to do one thing, it's putting the ball in the basket.  He's done amazing moves so effortlessly (with flare), where as when I attempt them I usually pull a hammy.  Yet every single year he was snubbed from the All-Star team.  Every single goddamn year!  (Seriously, how was Chris Kaman an all star guys?)  Hopefully he can get a spot now that he's in Milwaukee.

2. Stephen Curry (2009-Present)

 Okay, let me start off by apologizing to Steph for putting him behind Captain Jack the first time around.  I still love Jack but I really fucked up.  Steph Curry has been playing like an All Star and yet he was still snubbed.  (Those bastards!)  Not only that, but he's been leading the Warriors to a winning season.  And then came the 54 point night.  That's some shit you get from franchise players and Curry is a franchise player.  I knew I had to move him up the list.  Considered putting him above Baron Davis but it was Baron who led us to that We Believe season. Steph hasn't led us to the playoffs...yet.  We'll see if I move him up when the season is over.  I said I would move him up if he lead us to the playoffs and he did.  Not only did he do that, he also lead us to the second round, almost single-handed.  When David Lee went down, Steph Curry put the team on his back and put on an offensive clinic against the Nuggets and then the Spurs.  He was the king of the 3rd quarter and we were just fortunate to see his reign.  Almost by himself he put the Golden State Warriors as a team to watch.  Not sure if I can ever move him ahead of Jason Richardson, only because of the sentimental meaning behind it, but Stephen Curry is clearly the best player I've ever seen play in a Warriors uniform.

1. Jason Richardson (2001-2007)

J-Rich.  Probably the most exciting player to watch as a Warrior.  Back to back Slam Dunk Champion.  Even when I was a small lad I would watch the games just to see this guy dunk.  He doesn't do much of that now over in Philly, but in his prime this dude got up there.  And he wouldn't just settle for for a simple dunk.  J-Rich would say, "Not today!" and windmill that shit.  And if not he'd do a 360.  Why not?  J-Rich was the epitome of flare.  Then when Baron Davis came in J-Rich said, "Let's just alley-oop it every time."  Somewhere along the way he started hitting threes.  Now, that's all he does.  For me, Jason Richardson is by far the most memorable player to play for the Warriors.

Well that's my time.  I know some might be a little mad that this isn't an original post but not to worry, more originals are on the way.  I have a lot of good things planned so just be patient.  I will probably have more time to write once the season of Boardwalk Empire ends and I can focus my writing on other things.  If your interested in checking out my secondary blog while you wait, you can find it on your right in a section titled Blogs I Fucks With.  My blog is called Infinite Wisdom on Boardwalk Empire.  Check it out and who knows, you might find a new favorite TV show.  (You will.)  Make sure you leave any comments you might have in the section below.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram at CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  I'm on Tumblr at  Until my next post, stay Guapo out there!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

My 10 Favorite Rapper Ad Libs

Hello, everybody!  Guapo is back with another edition of Infinite Wisdom!  I've been riding the high I got from the success of my last post and haven't really had the time to write anything new/felt entitled to a little hiatus.  But isn't it better this way?  I like the idea that no one ever knows when I'm going to drop my next post.  It's unpredictable and just makes things much more exciting.  One day I'll wake up and decide I want to write something and later I will do so and release it.  Now what if on the same day your mom gets in a car accident?  You're in the waiting room at the hospital wondering if mommy's gonna be alright and then you see it!  A new post by Guapo about the Top 10 Milfs on TV and you've forgotten all about your problems!  (Thank the Lord!)  The point I'm trying to make is when you guys are sitting there wondering when my next post is dropping just know that unlike Detox my shit is eventually coming.  I might not come when you ask but I'm always on time.

Speaking of Detox, there's been some good rap albums dropping this year.  I copped Big Sean's Hall of Fame last week and that shit was fire. (Oh God!)  I love rap music.  I listen to other shit but I have more rap albums and mixtapes than any other genre of music.  My favorite thing about rap music: album skits!  My second favorite thing: ad libs!  I just love ad libs.  I don't understand why other music genres don't have ad libs.  In fact everything should have ad libs, especially blogs. (Tru!)  What is it about ad libs that's just so perfect?  Some rappers like to drop a nice bar and before you can react they hit you with an al lib.  It's like the Migos and their chirping.  Some rappers hit you the ad lib before they spit so you know they're about to go in.  Think Pusha T's "Yughh!" or Jadakiss' weird parakeet-type sound.  And sometimes the rapper just has an ad lib to let you know whose track you're listening to, like Hov's "'Sha Boy!"  I've decided to compose a list of my favorite rapper ad libs.  The list will be decided based on creativity and recognition.  So strap in your seat belts because this is going to be quite the ride.

10.  Gucci Mane (Best ad lib: Burr!)
I don't really fucks with Gucci like that in all honesty.  I might've downloaded a mixtape a while back and never got around to listening to all of it.  I do fucks with his ad libs though.  I find myself yelling out "Burr!" when it's 90 degrees out.  It's mad catchy.  He's not just a one trick pony though, he can also yell out his name and shit!

9.  Lil B (Best ad lib: Swag!)
I admit it.  I actually fucks with Lil B.  I copped that Everything Based tape a few years back.  I even copped some of his non-classics.  His lines are as complex as the formations of bottle-nosed dolphins.  "Hoes on my dick cuz I look like Jesus!"  Anywho, he drops in that "Swag!" in between those bars and made that shit hot for a cool second.  I used to say "Swag" all the time before I became a man with a job and a blog.  Don't forget about that "Whoop!" that Based God yells.  When I used to cook I used to "Whoop!" while turning my spatula.

8.  Juicy J (Best ad lib: We Trippy Mane)
Juicy J can't say no to a lot of things, including ad libs.  And we thank him for that. His "We trippy mane" ad lib has a few variations.  Sometimes it's just a simple "Trippy" to let us know he's here for us.  (On a side note I still need to cop Stay Trippy.)  Juicy J also throws in that high pitched "Shutdafuckup!" we've all grown to love.

7.  DMX (Best ad lib: Grrrrrr!)
DMX is a scary guy.  He's from Yonkers.  That's where dreams die and reincarnate as nightmares.  By the looks of DMX's music videos the only female there is Eve.  Also I'm sure DMX is the type of guy who goes to jail for the sole purpose of getting to rape another man in the shower.  That being said I fucks with this guy's music hard.  I don't know what it is but his "Grrrr!" gets me fucking juiced.  And then he does is dog bark and I'm driving to the nearest correctional facility to confess a crime I never committed.  He'll also yell out "Come on!" which is prefect when you're trying to finish your last set.

6.  Eminem (Best ad lib: Hey!)
Eminem is a little tough to write about because he doesn't really have a go-to ad lib like most rapper.  Instead he makes these sound effects that somehow go with the line he just dropped.  Sometimes it's a fart noise.  Sometimes he'll yell out "Ow!" after he drops a line about shooting himself in the head or anything alse that seems a little painful.  And every once in a while he hits us with a "Hey!"  Either way Eminem probably has some the more humorous ad libs in the game earning him a solid spot on this list.

5.  Jim Jones (Best ad lib: Ballin'!)
Jim Jones is similar to Eminem in the fact that he ad libs specific to the line he just spit.  But he does have his ol' faithfuls that he likes to use.  He also ad libs more than any other rapper I know.  I think every line comes with a ad lib.  You can make a whole song with just his ad libs.  He drops that "We in the building" and "Flossin!" and you can't forget about "Ballin!"

4.  Big Sean (Best ad lib: Boi!)
Sean doesn't really say "Boi!" anymore, but that's what I like about him.  His ad libs evolve as he evolves.  They make an already entertaining rapper even more entertaining.  His early ad libs were great.  He had "I do it" and "woahder".  And Sean saying, "I fuck yo bitch with a Louie Vuitton condom" before his verse on "My Closet" is still the best thing I ever heard.  But Big Sean is more mature and has grown man ad libs like "Oh God!" and "Hol' Up" and sometimes he'll hit you with that "Mmmmmm!"  Let's see what new ad libs he as when his next shit drops.
3.  Rick Ross (Best ad lib: Ughh!)
So what if Rick Ross has some kind of lying disability.  I think his ad libs should more than make up more his lack of honesty.  He really only has two ad libs that he relies on, but it's not about the quantity of ad libs, it's about the quality of ad libs and how you use your ad libs.  You got your standard Rick Ross grunt which lets you know that Rick Ross is about spit some heavily exaggerated yet beautiful bars.  Plus he also has his "Woo!" that he likes to sprinkle along his songs for effect.

2.  2 Chainz (Best ad lib: Tru!)
I don't think 2 Chainz would be 2 Chainz if he didn't yell out "2 Chainz" before his verses.  And the rest of his ad libs are on point.  His ad libs are what I would have yelled out if he didn't already do it for me.  Sometimes he'll spit something really nice and before I can yell, "Damn!" 2 Chainz already did that for me.  I started saying "Tru" because of 2 Chainz.  That's some influence.  We can't forget about Tity Boi's other favorites like "Tell 'Em" and "Yah".  He would've gotten first except someone else much better at ad libs beat him to it.  And that man is...

1. Young Jeezy (Best ad lib: Yeeaah!!)
Technically he's just Jeezy now but I don't really pay any attention to these subtle name changes.  I never dropped "The" from The Game's name.  At least it's not something arbitrary like dropping a hyphen from your name.  (I'm looking at you Hov.)  Back to the topic, Snowman is the king of ad libs.  I lied earlier; quantity does have a little to do with this list.  Like Jim Jones, Young Jeezy likes to rapid fire his ad libs and stuff as many as he can into one song.  But it's the combo of quantity an quality that sets him apart from everyone else.  Of course there's the world famous "Yeeaah" but we also have his "Cheea".  There's his laugh and "That's Right" and "Dayum!"  We can't forget about "Ay!!!"  There's too many to include in one paragraph.  So congrats Snowman!  Can we get a celebratory ad lib? (Ay!!!!)

And that's a wrap guys.  I hope you've enjoyed this list.  What do you guys think?  Did I leave anyone out?  I had a lot of people to choose from.  I'm gonna get out of here but make sure you stay tuned and look out for any of my upcoming posts.  I also have a spin-off blog that will be released for the first time tonight so you can check that out.  It's a little project I planned less than a year ago that I'm finally watching come to fruit.  Make sure you keep up with me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  My Tumblr is  As always feel free to comment.  Stay Guapo out there!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

My Sister's 15th Birthday!

Hello all!  El Guapo is back once again to grace you guys with my written presence.  It's been a while since I've written and I'll take responsibility for that.  I know I promised that this summer I would write more often but unfortunately for you my social life didn't regress like I planned.  (God damn my social life!)  But I guess it balances out, doesn't it?   I mean I provided three solid posts in June so you can't really complain about a dry July.  To be honest I wasn't too proud of my last post about the NBA Draft classes.  It was a little rushed and not as well researched as it should have been.  You deserve better than that.  I can write better than that.  But that's enough of the past.  Let's get started on the present.

Today is a very, very special day!  Today is my little sister's 15th birthday.  Yes, El Guapo does indeed have a little sister.  And while she may not posses the same charm and wit that the Guaps is known for, Andrea is definitely cut from the same fabric.  (It's a very nice silky fabric.)  And her being the biggest doubter of my blog I've decided to write a special post for her on her special day.  Ah yes, 15 years old.  I can honestly say I don't remember my 15th birthday.  Come to think of it, I don't remember most of my birthdays including my last one.  Is it the sandwiches I've eaten?  Was it the car accident in '96?  Am I losing it at an abnormally young age?  Never the matter because even if I don't remember my sister's Quince, she most definitely will!  So to make this birthday memorable I've conducted a list of 15 Things That Annoy My Little Sister.

1. Question Her Fashion Choices
Now, the Guaps loves fashion.  I really do give a shit about what I look like.  There's a reason I don't even own a pair of sweatpants.  The only person I know who is more intense about that shit is my sweet little sister.  I actually respect her opinion enough that before I leave the house I might pop in her room just to make sure she approves of my outfit.  It's not so much a "family' thing because our parents are some of the worst dressers in the planet.  We arose from the rubble and bloomed like amazing looking daisies.  We took one look at our parents and collectively said, "Not Today!" and walked away from the Kirkland Brand life.  That is why if I really feel like messing with my sister I'll take a look at my sister and ask her, "You're wearing that?"  The look in her eyes is a combo of betrayal, shame and loathing.  You can't miss it.

2. Call Her Countess
I've come up with numerous nicknames for Andrea, most of which she hated.  None of them really stuck though.  But then I struck gold with Countess.  Everyone who knows me knows I love dinosaurs.  (Ain't nothing wrong with it.)  So I while back a YouTube show came out called Dino Yacht Club.  The plot is simple:  Three lovable British Dinosaurs fight terrorist for the United States government.  Wonderful concept indeed.  My sister hated it, especially because I would quote the show everyday, all day.  One of the dinosaurs was named Countess so I started calling Andrea that.  At some point in time it just stuck and she started to respond to it.  So it looks as if the name is here to stay.

3.  Talk During Movies
Most people aren't particularly fond of people talking during movies.  Unfortunately if you're watching a movie with my family there's going to be a lot of talking.  My grandma will try to have a random ass conversation with you or comment how they should've let the four-year-old die in the movie.  My mom will ask a lot of questions like, "Who's that guy?"  and "Where did that guy come from?" and "Is that the same guy from the beginning of the movie?"  My dad falls asleep during the movies and takes off his shoes.  I will sit there and make fun of everybody in that motherfucker.  Meanwhile my sweet little sister will watch the movie quietly and pretend she wouldn't mind being kidnapped right then.

4.  Make Politically Incorrect Jokes
Speaking of me making fun of everyone, I really have no line whatsoever.  None.  I will make fun of anybody!  Guy in wheelchair falling down a flight of stairs?  Not off limits.  (What an asshole!)  I'm actually tame compared to the rest of my family.  My mom is pretty awful too, she just won't admit to it.  You don't want to talk to my grandma.  The first time I had one of my black friends drop me off at home my grandma came up to me and told me to be careful because they are probably going to try to rob me.  That's her being as politically correct as she'll ever be.  My sister is nothing like us in that respect.  She watches Glee so she actually believes that just because you're different that doesn't mean you're not a winner.  Ain't that cute!?

5.  Take a Picture Without Her Knowing
This is easy.  Nobody likes to be caught off guard, especially the Countess.  So take a picture and she'll hate you for the day.  She hates me for me life!  I got pics on pics on pics of her.  In fact I'm debating posting one right now.  On one hand it'll be easy.  On the other hand she'll be super mad and I do have to live with her for another month.  She might break my writing hand.  (Y'all don't want that.)  But then again this is my blog and I do what the fuck I want.  On the contrary this is her birthday and I ought to be nice.  Hmm.  I won't do it.

6.  Give Her a Long Ass Lecture
This happens too often in my household.  Me and my sister aren't perfect but we're pretty damn close.  We'll make some mistakes and get lectures from our parents.  I've learned how to space out and fake an entire conversation by nodding, smiling and titling my head at appropriate moments.  My sister hasn't mastered this so she has to endure these pointless lectures.  There are all the same speech anyway.  All of them.  The worst lectures come from my grandma because they are incoherent and don't make any sense.  They don't follow some linear pattern.  Nobody ever knows what the hell she's talking about.  (I love my grandma!!)  My sister looks like she's contemplating suicide via samurai method when she's getting one of these lectures.

7.  Mispronounce Her Name
This is more some shit that happens outside of the Guapo household.  There are two ways to pronouncing Andrea.  There's the white way which sounds like And- Drea and the regular way that puts the emphasis over the "Dre".  I guess white people get this shit wrong a lot because my sister will come home mad as shit if someone didn't say her name right.  I understand it to some extent.  For some reason East Coast folk pronounce Mario weird.

8.  Drive Recklessly
Some people just can't drive.  The Countess doesn't like that.  She likes smooth car rides where she can enjoy her One Direction CD in peace.  That doesn't happen very often.  My mom has trouble staying in her lane.  My dad makes very abrupt turns and drives ridiculously fast in a residential zone.  I let go of the wheel just to fuck with whoever is in the car.  Who knows who my grandma has her licence.  My sister just can't catch a break.

9.  Park Far
Speaking of vehicles, don't park far from your destination if you want to see Andrea smile.  I don't like seeing her smile so I park two blocks from where ever she needs to go and make her walk.  I get it people, "It's expensive to park there.  I hate meters, those quarters add up after a while."  That's fine, just don't be surprised if my sister doesn't want to talk to you on the walk over.  Andrea likes walking like I like Sacramento.  We don't.  Her dislike of walking has brought me one of my favorite Countess Quotes:  I prefer to drive.

10.  Imitate Her Voice
Speaking of quoting Andrea, don't do it.  She hates it, especially if you do her high pitched voice while doing it.  I do that shit all the time and misquote her.  It gets her so mad it's hysterical.  She'll throw a fit and then you can imitate that fit.  My uncle does that all the time too.  Imitating her voice is like insulting her family except much worse because she doesn't really like her family, understandably.  There's a lot of material to work with so go crazy kids!

11.  Disturb Her Sleep
Don't wake her up.  She'll do that on her own time.  I don't have to worry about waking up in the morning because I don't wake up in the morning.  At night that's a different story.  I'm just tryna watch some goddamn Netflix and she comes out of her room to complain about my volume.  My parents are different.  They'll wake her up in the morning to ask her some pointless shit like, "Have you seen my jeans?"  My sister responds with a groggy "No" which is her way of saying, "Why the hell would your jeans be in my room?!?"  She doesn't let the dog sleep with her because apparently he snores too loudly and loves Toby.

12.  Tell a Bad Joke... Then Keep Telling It
Not every joke is a home run.  In fact if you're my mom, grandma or dad they are probably strike outs.  It's cool, not everyone has the comedic genius that I posses.  My sister would respond to this by saying, "You're not funny, Mario!  You're jokes don't make me laugh."  Well, do jokes really have to be funny?  "Yes."  True, but people in this house don't get that concept so we'll keep telling these bad jokes.  My grandma will ramble something nobody understands and start laughing so I'm assuming she just told a joke.  She'll then repeat the same incoherent sentence and laugh again.  (That's comedy.)  I like to yell "Burn!" whenever anyone says anything to Andrea because she'll respond angrily and say I'm using that word wrong.  For example:
Mom: Andrea, make sure to lock the door when you leave.
Guapo: Burn!!
Countess:  HOW IS THAT A BURN?!?!?!?

13.  Go Out To Eat Without Her
Everybody hates it when their family goes out to get something to eat and don't even invite you.  This happens in my family sometimes and my sister isn't too pleased when this happens.  Her anger is usually directed at me because I'll leave the house and get something to eat and forget my sister is starving at home.  I can't feel too bad though because my family always goes out without me.  Sometimes I'll come home and be greeted with a, "By the way, we went to The Rain Forest Cafe without you."  Can you believe that?  I feel myself getting mad now!  This more for me than it is for Andrea at this point.  I think my family doesn't like me anymore.

14.  Pinch Her Cheeks
Grandmas do this all the time when you're a kid.  At least you get candy or a few bucks out of it.  You don't get shit out of it when you're dick of an older brother pinches your cheeks.  You're welcome, Countess!  I don't remember the last time I tried to pinch her cheeks and she didn't attack me immediately.  The good news for Andrea is that she only has to put up with it for less than a month and I'm back in LA.  She should be enjoying this while she still can.  That ingrate!

15.  Tell Her to "Waddle Faster"
I come from a family of slow walkers.  I mean turtle slow.  And it's not like we have particularly long legs.  When my little sister tries to move her little legs faster to keep up she almost looks like a penguin trying to waddle through the ices of Antarctica.  So if I want her to keep up I just yell at her to waddle faster.  She will be mad as shit and start to move her legs as fast as she can so she can hit me.  At least it gets the job done!  I can't tell you how many bruises I have as a result of telling the Countess to waddle faster.

That's my time folks.  I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  It's a little different from my other posts as it's more of a glimpse of my personal life and my family but I hope you appreciate it.  If you hated don't worry I'll go back to talking about MILFs, sports and being awesome.  To Andrea, the sweet little Countess, I hope you liked this.  I pray all your wishes come true and that you enjoyed your special day.  To everyone else, keep on the look out for my blog posts.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3, stalk me on Facebook, follow me on Instagram at CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME and Tumblr at  I think that's it.  Have a great night and stay Guapo out there!