Thursday, August 1, 2013

My Sister's 15th Birthday!

Hello all!  El Guapo is back once again to grace you guys with my written presence.  It's been a while since I've written and I'll take responsibility for that.  I know I promised that this summer I would write more often but unfortunately for you my social life didn't regress like I planned.  (God damn my social life!)  But I guess it balances out, doesn't it?   I mean I provided three solid posts in June so you can't really complain about a dry July.  To be honest I wasn't too proud of my last post about the NBA Draft classes.  It was a little rushed and not as well researched as it should have been.  You deserve better than that.  I can write better than that.  But that's enough of the past.  Let's get started on the present.

Today is a very, very special day!  Today is my little sister's 15th birthday.  Yes, El Guapo does indeed have a little sister.  And while she may not posses the same charm and wit that the Guaps is known for, Andrea is definitely cut from the same fabric.  (It's a very nice silky fabric.)  And her being the biggest doubter of my blog I've decided to write a special post for her on her special day.  Ah yes, 15 years old.  I can honestly say I don't remember my 15th birthday.  Come to think of it, I don't remember most of my birthdays including my last one.  Is it the sandwiches I've eaten?  Was it the car accident in '96?  Am I losing it at an abnormally young age?  Never the matter because even if I don't remember my sister's Quince, she most definitely will!  So to make this birthday memorable I've conducted a list of 15 Things That Annoy My Little Sister.

1. Question Her Fashion Choices
Now, the Guaps loves fashion.  I really do give a shit about what I look like.  There's a reason I don't even own a pair of sweatpants.  The only person I know who is more intense about that shit is my sweet little sister.  I actually respect her opinion enough that before I leave the house I might pop in her room just to make sure she approves of my outfit.  It's not so much a "family' thing because our parents are some of the worst dressers in the planet.  We arose from the rubble and bloomed like amazing looking daisies.  We took one look at our parents and collectively said, "Not Today!" and walked away from the Kirkland Brand life.  That is why if I really feel like messing with my sister I'll take a look at my sister and ask her, "You're wearing that?"  The look in her eyes is a combo of betrayal, shame and loathing.  You can't miss it.

2. Call Her Countess
I've come up with numerous nicknames for Andrea, most of which she hated.  None of them really stuck though.  But then I struck gold with Countess.  Everyone who knows me knows I love dinosaurs.  (Ain't nothing wrong with it.)  So I while back a YouTube show came out called Dino Yacht Club.  The plot is simple:  Three lovable British Dinosaurs fight terrorist for the United States government.  Wonderful concept indeed.  My sister hated it, especially because I would quote the show everyday, all day.  One of the dinosaurs was named Countess so I started calling Andrea that.  At some point in time it just stuck and she started to respond to it.  So it looks as if the name is here to stay.

3.  Talk During Movies
Most people aren't particularly fond of people talking during movies.  Unfortunately if you're watching a movie with my family there's going to be a lot of talking.  My grandma will try to have a random ass conversation with you or comment how they should've let the four-year-old die in the movie.  My mom will ask a lot of questions like, "Who's that guy?"  and "Where did that guy come from?" and "Is that the same guy from the beginning of the movie?"  My dad falls asleep during the movies and takes off his shoes.  I will sit there and make fun of everybody in that motherfucker.  Meanwhile my sweet little sister will watch the movie quietly and pretend she wouldn't mind being kidnapped right then.

4.  Make Politically Incorrect Jokes
Speaking of me making fun of everyone, I really have no line whatsoever.  None.  I will make fun of anybody!  Guy in wheelchair falling down a flight of stairs?  Not off limits.  (What an asshole!)  I'm actually tame compared to the rest of my family.  My mom is pretty awful too, she just won't admit to it.  You don't want to talk to my grandma.  The first time I had one of my black friends drop me off at home my grandma came up to me and told me to be careful because they are probably going to try to rob me.  That's her being as politically correct as she'll ever be.  My sister is nothing like us in that respect.  She watches Glee so she actually believes that just because you're different that doesn't mean you're not a winner.  Ain't that cute!?

5.  Take a Picture Without Her Knowing
This is easy.  Nobody likes to be caught off guard, especially the Countess.  So take a picture and she'll hate you for the day.  She hates me for me life!  I got pics on pics on pics of her.  In fact I'm debating posting one right now.  On one hand it'll be easy.  On the other hand she'll be super mad and I do have to live with her for another month.  She might break my writing hand.  (Y'all don't want that.)  But then again this is my blog and I do what the fuck I want.  On the contrary this is her birthday and I ought to be nice.  Hmm.  I won't do it.

6.  Give Her a Long Ass Lecture
This happens too often in my household.  Me and my sister aren't perfect but we're pretty damn close.  We'll make some mistakes and get lectures from our parents.  I've learned how to space out and fake an entire conversation by nodding, smiling and titling my head at appropriate moments.  My sister hasn't mastered this so she has to endure these pointless lectures.  There are all the same speech anyway.  All of them.  The worst lectures come from my grandma because they are incoherent and don't make any sense.  They don't follow some linear pattern.  Nobody ever knows what the hell she's talking about.  (I love my grandma!!)  My sister looks like she's contemplating suicide via samurai method when she's getting one of these lectures.

7.  Mispronounce Her Name
This is more some shit that happens outside of the Guapo household.  There are two ways to pronouncing Andrea.  There's the white way which sounds like And- Drea and the regular way that puts the emphasis over the "Dre".  I guess white people get this shit wrong a lot because my sister will come home mad as shit if someone didn't say her name right.  I understand it to some extent.  For some reason East Coast folk pronounce Mario weird.

8.  Drive Recklessly
Some people just can't drive.  The Countess doesn't like that.  She likes smooth car rides where she can enjoy her One Direction CD in peace.  That doesn't happen very often.  My mom has trouble staying in her lane.  My dad makes very abrupt turns and drives ridiculously fast in a residential zone.  I let go of the wheel just to fuck with whoever is in the car.  Who knows who my grandma has her licence.  My sister just can't catch a break.

9.  Park Far
Speaking of vehicles, don't park far from your destination if you want to see Andrea smile.  I don't like seeing her smile so I park two blocks from where ever she needs to go and make her walk.  I get it people, "It's expensive to park there.  I hate meters, those quarters add up after a while."  That's fine, just don't be surprised if my sister doesn't want to talk to you on the walk over.  Andrea likes walking like I like Sacramento.  We don't.  Her dislike of walking has brought me one of my favorite Countess Quotes:  I prefer to drive.

10.  Imitate Her Voice
Speaking of quoting Andrea, don't do it.  She hates it, especially if you do her high pitched voice while doing it.  I do that shit all the time and misquote her.  It gets her so mad it's hysterical.  She'll throw a fit and then you can imitate that fit.  My uncle does that all the time too.  Imitating her voice is like insulting her family except much worse because she doesn't really like her family, understandably.  There's a lot of material to work with so go crazy kids!

11.  Disturb Her Sleep
Don't wake her up.  She'll do that on her own time.  I don't have to worry about waking up in the morning because I don't wake up in the morning.  At night that's a different story.  I'm just tryna watch some goddamn Netflix and she comes out of her room to complain about my volume.  My parents are different.  They'll wake her up in the morning to ask her some pointless shit like, "Have you seen my jeans?"  My sister responds with a groggy "No" which is her way of saying, "Why the hell would your jeans be in my room?!?"  She doesn't let the dog sleep with her because apparently he snores too loudly and loves Toby.

12.  Tell a Bad Joke... Then Keep Telling It
Not every joke is a home run.  In fact if you're my mom, grandma or dad they are probably strike outs.  It's cool, not everyone has the comedic genius that I posses.  My sister would respond to this by saying, "You're not funny, Mario!  You're jokes don't make me laugh."  Well, do jokes really have to be funny?  "Yes."  True, but people in this house don't get that concept so we'll keep telling these bad jokes.  My grandma will ramble something nobody understands and start laughing so I'm assuming she just told a joke.  She'll then repeat the same incoherent sentence and laugh again.  (That's comedy.)  I like to yell "Burn!" whenever anyone says anything to Andrea because she'll respond angrily and say I'm using that word wrong.  For example:
Mom: Andrea, make sure to lock the door when you leave.
Guapo: Burn!!
Countess:  HOW IS THAT A BURN?!?!?!?

13.  Go Out To Eat Without Her
Everybody hates it when their family goes out to get something to eat and don't even invite you.  This happens in my family sometimes and my sister isn't too pleased when this happens.  Her anger is usually directed at me because I'll leave the house and get something to eat and forget my sister is starving at home.  I can't feel too bad though because my family always goes out without me.  Sometimes I'll come home and be greeted with a, "By the way, we went to The Rain Forest Cafe without you."  Can you believe that?  I feel myself getting mad now!  This more for me than it is for Andrea at this point.  I think my family doesn't like me anymore.

14.  Pinch Her Cheeks
Grandmas do this all the time when you're a kid.  At least you get candy or a few bucks out of it.  You don't get shit out of it when you're dick of an older brother pinches your cheeks.  You're welcome, Countess!  I don't remember the last time I tried to pinch her cheeks and she didn't attack me immediately.  The good news for Andrea is that she only has to put up with it for less than a month and I'm back in LA.  She should be enjoying this while she still can.  That ingrate!

15.  Tell Her to "Waddle Faster"
I come from a family of slow walkers.  I mean turtle slow.  And it's not like we have particularly long legs.  When my little sister tries to move her little legs faster to keep up she almost looks like a penguin trying to waddle through the ices of Antarctica.  So if I want her to keep up I just yell at her to waddle faster.  She will be mad as shit and start to move her legs as fast as she can so she can hit me.  At least it gets the job done!  I can't tell you how many bruises I have as a result of telling the Countess to waddle faster.

That's my time folks.  I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  It's a little different from my other posts as it's more of a glimpse of my personal life and my family but I hope you appreciate it.  If you hated don't worry I'll go back to talking about MILFs, sports and being awesome.  To Andrea, the sweet little Countess, I hope you liked this.  I pray all your wishes come true and that you enjoyed your special day.  To everyone else, keep on the look out for my blog posts.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3, stalk me on Facebook, follow me on Instagram at CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME and Tumblr at  I think that's it.  Have a great night and stay Guapo out there!