Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Ballad of Raynesha

Hello all!  Guapo here with another edition of Infinite Wisdom.  I'm sure you guys are all getting ready for St. Patrick's Day tomorrow.  While you guys go out and get fucked up, I'll be in my dorm celebrating the life of a wonderful saint.  For those of you who don't know, Saint Patrick was a bishop in Ireland in the 4th century and I guess people there really liked him.  (I skimmed the Wikipedia page.)  In all honestly the Guaps doesn't have anything planned tomorrow so unless somebody has a better plan I'll probably have a movie marathon on Netflix while "eating a sandwich".

I'm guessing y'all are thinking, "Hmm, Guapo's life seems kinda boring.  I guess not much goes on in his life." It's true sometimes I go through long periods of time without having anything interesting happen to me.  Yes, even someone like El Guapo lives the life of an average American from time to time.  But I kind of prefer it that way sometimes because the alternative would be going through another "Raynesha" experience.  Sometimes I'll reference Raynesha and some people have no idea what I'm talking about.  Well, I'm about to tell you the story of Raynesha.  I still have nightmares about her but I do this because I love you guys.

This took place March of 2012.  Basically a year ago.  I have a friend who makes hardcore music and he invited me to one of his shows in Castro Valley.  I'm not a fan of that type of music but I came out to support my friend.  (How sweet of me!)  The event was called the Burrito Bro-Down.  Let me just say this:  If the title of the event is Burrito Bro-Down I can only assume that the burrito comes along with the price of admission.  No! That was not the case.  I had to pay for admission AND for my burrito.  I basically bought one burrito for the price of two.  And it's not like it was one of the best burritos I've ever had.  My mind wasn't blown away by the tastiness of the burrito.

So I'm watching the show eating my overpriced burrito and I'm noticing the hardcore dancing.  For those who've never been to one of these shows, basically you got a lot of people running around and colliding with each other while also pretending to punch midgets.  Personally I prefer twerking it with a girl with a big booty but to each his own.  Anyway, amongst the crowd of midget punchers I see a portly black lady falling over whenever someone runs into her and high fiving everyone she sees.  When I'm getting ready to leave and head home some dude asks me if I can give this lady a ride back home because she lives in Oakland and everyone else lives in either in Castro Valley or San Leandro.  I'm looking at this lady and I'm feeling kind of bad for her so I ask her what part of Oakland she's from.  She tells me East Oakland, which is kind of vague but I was making sure I wouldn't have to drive to West Oakland.  (Such an awful place.)

The route from Castro Valley to Oakland is the 580 freeway.  (The better of the two freeways that run through Oakland.)  When you reach Oakland you start in Deep East Oakland and make your way towards West Oakland.  This is just some information in case you need a reference point.  So we are on the freeway and I'm asking the lady some questions to make small talk.  The lady's name was Raynesha and spoiler alert, she's a fucking weirdo.  So the first thing I learned is that she got to the show by taking a bus and walking to the venue.  That's a long ass commute for a local show.  And she rambles on about how she does this a lot by herself.  In fact, she does a lot of things by herself like going to the movies and going to the park and so on.  Apparently she invites her friends and they always say no.  She's also 29 and living with her parents because her parents don't want her to be out on her own.  The more she goes on the more sorry I feel for her.

Those feelings of compassion don't last very long.  When we reach the Oakland city limits I tell her to let me know when we reach her exit.  She glosses over that and notices that I have The Chronic playing in my car and begins to describe frame by frame what happens in the "Dre Day" music video.  I've seen the music video and what she was describing was nothing like the video.  At this point I'm also noticing that she's speaking really very slowly and oddly.  She would say things like, "And then... they see... they see the guy... and then the guy... he walks that way..."  I could only assume she was either on drugs or something so I ask her.  She replies by saying, "Do... Do I look... like I'm on... on drugs?"  Yes.  Yes, she did look like she was on drugs but I wasn't about to say shit because at this point I was kind of scared of her.  Especially after she told me loves to watch documentaries about serial killers and keeps a journal about her favorite ones.  And when I say "favorite ones" I'm not talking about documentaries, I'm talking about serial killers.

I'm getting kind of freaked out at this point and I've realized that we are almost leaving East Oakland and getting closer to downtown.  I point this out to Raynesha and she tells me to get off at the next random exit.  From there she just points to streets for me to turn on, dropping little nuggets of information in between the directions such as how her parents were racist towards Hispanics and would kill me on sight.  These aren't things you tell to a person giving you a ride to make them feel comfortable.  I'm debating in my mind if I should drop her off at a corner or something because I'm fearing for my life.  Plus, it didn't seem like she knew where she lived.  I decided against it and eventually we did get to her place.  Now, we exited the freeway close to downtown.  Her house was all the way back by the colosseum.  We had passed that freeway exit maybe 12 exits before.  So we get to her place and it's in a pretty bad neighborhood, worse than mine maybe.  She goes on to thank me for being such a nice guy for giving her a ride and I'm just trying to get her to leave my car so I can get out of there.  But first she has to check her purse to make sure she has everything.  She's fumbling through her bag very slowly so immediately I'm thinking I'm about to get jacked.  I start praying in my mind but it was unneeded because she wasn't going to rob me.  She finally exits my car and I book it.  I head home just thanking God that I will never have to see or hear that person ever again.

Wrong!  She gets my number and starts texting me and calling me.  When she texts she uses numbers in place of letters.  For example instead of "What's up" she texted "Wut5 u6".  First of all, she's 29 and she's texting like a 6th grader from Oakland.  Second, it's extremely inconvenient to write like that so she's going out of her way to text badly.  Naturally I ignore her calls and texts in hopes that after a few days she gets the point and leaves me alone.  That doesn't happen.  (My assumptions are usually pretty off.)  Weeks go by and then months go by with me receiving either a call or a text from this psycho almost everyday.  And this is happening at the same time that the religious cult-like club from Chabot was harassing me and trying to save my soul.  (Another story for another time.)  Finally one summer afternoon she left a voice-mail for the first time saying something about how she's looking for me and that she will find me eventually.  I think that was the last time she tried contacting me and that was five months after I met her.  So is the Ballad of Raynesha over?  Right now, I'd like to think so.  But I've been wrong before.

So that's the story of Raynesha.  I hope nothing like that ever happens to any of you.  The obvious moral or the story is if you ever feel like doing something nice for a stranger, don't.  Like my mom always told me, "Stranger Danger."  She also told me that if I took candy from a stranger and he kidnapped me that she wouldn't look for me.  So next Saturday is my 20th birthday!  Yeah, the Guaps will have been alive for two decades.  Basically a 20th birthday starts the one year countdown until the 21st birthday so I'm excited for that.  Don't feel like you guys need to get me anything.  You reading my wonderful blog is enough.  However if you really feel like giving me a present you could tell all your friends to check out this blog.  The next time your friend is rambling on about how her mom is in the hospital after some car accident causally slip in a "Check out".  Have a great and Guapo St. Patty's Day and and enjoy the rest of your week.  Stay Guapo out there!

Friday, March 1, 2013

My 10 Favorite Warriors Players (Version 1.5)

Surprise, surprise El Guapo is back with another post so soon.  I actually wasn't planning on writing anything for a while but my hand was pretty much forced.  See, this isn't really a new post.  If you've been keeping up with my blog you know I already wrote about my favorite players to ever play for the Warriors.  (Chances are you probably loved it.)  At the time that I wrote it I was completely satisfied with the list, but Wednesday night something profound happened.  Steph Curry went for 54 in Madison Square Garden hitting 11 three-pointers.  54.  Sure we lost but still Steph's amazing game shouldn't be taken lightly.  I'm sure a lot of people out there are thinking, "Wow, this guy wasn't an all star?"  And to be fair I looked back at one of my blog posts I wrote back in October before the season began and I realized that my blog wasn't doing Stephen Curry justice.  So I've returned to make things right and give you my latest version of my favorite Warriors list.


10. Mickael Pietrus (2003-2008)

Oh, Mickael, you lovable French bastard.  Always full of personality.  I remember when I first found out he was French the first thing that came to my mind was, "Why is he black then?"  I was so young and naive.  Anyway, this dude was a corner three specialist.  He played some defense and dunked it every now and then, but his spot was that corner.

9. Kelenna Azubuike (2007-2010)

The Warriors have had a habit of picking up players from the D-League.  All the time.  Some of them have worked out (e.g. Reggie Williams) and some haven't (e.g. Chris Hunter).  Kelenna definitely worked out for us.  He was never a star or anything like that but he was consistent.

8. Al Harrington (2007-2008)


I'm not super crazy about this guy, but without him the Warriors wouldn't have had that amazing We Believe season.  He came to us in a trade that shipped away Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy (Thank God!), hit a bunch of threes for us, then a year and a half later decided he wanted to leave.  Last time I checked he's playing for Orlando Magic and I saw him on Attack of the Show.  That's not too bad, I guess.

7. Andris Biedrins (2004-Present)

Honestly I want to put 2004-2009.  I don't know what the fuck this guy is doing with his life anymore.  I guess he just lost all confidence.  Either way for a good 5 year span he was a consistent double-double kind of guy.  At this point of his career though he's happy to get to touch the ball 2 times a game.

6. David Lee (2010-Present)

Not the most exciting player to watch but he puts up numbers.  He goes out there and gets those rebounds and finishes.  Pretty skilled big man, but I just wish he'd add some flare every now and then.  And if you've been keeping up with this blog you know how much I love flare.  This season he's been a walking 20-10 kind of guy.  He's proven to be one of the most dominant big men in the league.  (It's not like Andrew Bogut has gotten off his lazy ass to help David out either.)  To top it off he was selected to the All Star team this year becoming the first Warrior since Latrell Sprewell back in 1997.  He was this close to being moved up the list but I need a little something more from him.

5. Stephen Jackson (2007-2009)

Captain Jack!  You can't not love this guy and his fast break threes.  We got him in the same trade that got us Al Harrington and helped the Warriors in their playoff run.  This guy was dynamite in a Warriors' uniform.  The dude hit 7 threes in game 6 of the first round of the playoffs against the Mavs, who we beat, and he did that shit with flash.  Every now and then Nellie had him run the point, and every now and then he would deliver.  Sure you can complain that he was constantly getting hit with technicals, sure he thought he was better than what he actually was, sure he fired a gun outside a strip club and was involved in Malice in the Palace, and yes he did leave the Warriors on bad terms, but that's what made him such an exciting player.  Currently he's back with the Spurs AND he's a rapper.  Talk about moving up in life.  

4. Stephen Curry (2009-Present)

Young Steph Curry is a nice player indeed.  He has that range, he has those handles, and he can dish the ball too.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he won the Skills Challenge during the All-Star break once.  (I just checked Wikipedia.  I'm right.)  I just love watching this guy play.  This will be his first full year without Monta Ellis so this is basically his team now.  Only problem is he has weak ankles.  Okay, let me start off by apologizing to Steph for putting him behind Captain Jack the first time around.  I still love Jack but I really fucked up.  Steph Curry has been playing like an All Star and yet he was still snubbed.  (Those bastards!)  Not only that, but he's been leading the Warriors to a winning season.  And then came the 54 point night.  That's some shit you get from franchise players and Curry is a franchise player.  I knew I had to move him up the list.  Considered putting him above Baron Davis but it was Baron who led us to that We Believe season. Steph hasn't led us to the playoffs...yet.  We'll see if I move him up when the season is over.

3. Baron Davis (2005-2008)

Baron.  After all these years I just want to say that I forgive you.  It took a while, but then I got to reminiscing about the good old days.  He was out there rocking the full beard before James Harden decided to do it.  At his peak with the Warriors I could say he was easily one of the top 5 point guards in the league. Easily.  He could do no wrong.  He had them handles, he threw those dimes, he had that flash and most of all he was clutch.  You might not know this, but they sometimes call me Crunch Time Guapo and everything I learned about being clutch I learned it from him.  This dude was fucking sick.  When he made those alley-oop connections with J-Rich it was like watching art.  And every now and then he would come in with that slam dunk.  He put the team on his back during the We Believe season, and for that I'm forever grateful.  Then, before the 08-09 season, Baron decided to leave the Warriors and join the Clippers.  Yes, the fucking Clippers.  And not the Black Griffin/Chris Paul-having Clippers, I'm talking about the Chris-Kaman-Is-The-Best-Player-They-Have Clippers.  But like I said, I have finally forgiven you.

2. Monta Ellis (2005-2012)

It was sad to see him go last season.  I basically watched him grow up on the basketball court.  His relationship with the Warriors was kind of like a roller coaster. He got that "Most Improved Player" during his second season, the same season we beat the Mavs, and I think we all knew he was going to be a really good player.  But then he decides to ride a moped and fucks up his ankle pretty badly.  (Dumbass!)  But the kid comes back right where he left off and better.  Even after the ankle injury this guy was one of the fastest players in the league.  He was a pure scorer.  If he only knows how to do one thing, it's putting the ball in the basket.  He's done amazing moves so effortlessly (with flare), where as when I attempt them I usually pull a hammy.  Yet every single year he was snubbed from the All-Star team.  Every single goddamn year!  (Seriously, how was Chris Kaman an all star guys?)  Hopefully he can get a spot now that he's in Milwaukee.

1. Jason Richardson (2001-2007)

J-Rich.  Probably the most exciting player to watch as a Warrior.  Back to back Slam Dunk Champion.  Even when I was a small lad I would watch the games just to see this guy dunk.  He doesn't do much of that now over in Philly, but in his prime this dude got up there.  And he wouldn't just settle for for a simple dunk.  J-Rich would say, "Not today!" and windmill that shit.  And if not he'd do a 360.  Why not?  J-Rich was the epitome of flare.  Then when Baron Davis came in J-Rich said, "Let's just alley-oop it every time."  Somewhere along the way he started hitting threes.  Now, that's all he does.  For me, Jason Richardson is by far the most memorable player to play for the Warriors.

Alright guys that's the end of the blog.  Yes, I copied and pasted most of it from my last blog but this was more of a bonus post than anything.  Consider it a gift.  Stay tuned for more original blog posts that are coming up soon.  Have a good night and stay Guapo.