Thursday, April 16, 2015

Top 25 Jake & Amir Episodes

Hello everybody and welcome back to Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  I know, I know.  It's been a while.  But I'm back and I appreciate the patience.  I've actually had a couple of topics that I wanted to cover, both on this blog and my NBA blog, Infinite Wisdom on the NBA.  But I wanted to write this one before it was too late.  The amazingly funny web series on College Humor, "Jake and Amir" has come to an end.  This web series starring Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld has been a staple at College Humor for over eight years and over 750 episodes.  Rumor has it that the show will be reformatted for TBS.  I hope that's true because "Jake and Amir" is amazing.  I started watching this show about 5 or 6 years ago.  (The first episode I saw was most likely "Notified".)  Since then, Tuesday is the day I look forward to a new "Jake and Amir".  This tandem has been through three offices, has been on the Bang Bus, Los Angeles vacations, been involved in love triangles that end in bus accidents, have encountered Rick Fox, have made 7 March Madness brackets and though it all have remained the most fascinating duo on the web.  Somehow after 750 episodes they have managed to maintain some level of comedic excellence.  Their brilliance has relied on some of the most memorable and quotable lines with call backs and recurring creeping in to create a mixture of nostalgia and fresh comedy.  Though Amir is usually the oddball against Jake's straight man, both have had their moments to shine.  They've needed each other and when things are clicking, "Jake & Amir" is like a well-run laugh generator.

So in honor of the web series I've decided to countdown their 25 best shorts.  Over the last month I have seen hundreds of "J&A" episodes trying to narrow it down to the very best.  I first attempted to do 10, however I couldn't let a lot of these amazingly funny episodes go unnoticed.  So I settled on 25.  I've chosen the episodes that I thought were the most hilarious and that represented the elements that make this web series so great.  A few rules that I made before we start: 1) The finale episodes are not in contention.  2) Neither is the 30 minute short "Fired".  3.)  "The Ben Shwartz Rule".  Basically I've only allowed one Ben Shwartz episode on this list.  Otherwise we would get a countdown consisting of almost only Ben Shwartz shorts.  Also, since his episodes usually come in twos, I combined his entries into one episode.  (If your confused, keep reading.  You'll get it when we get there.)  So without further delay, here my favorite "Jake & Amir" episodes along with my favorite quote of the episode.

25. Mirror Image

Favorite Line: "You're clearly beginning to talk after I..."
Let's kick this countdown off with a short one.  "Mirror Image" is only a minute long and has very little dialogue but words aren't always needed.  What starts as a coincidence with Jake and Amir sneezing at the same time turns into Amir mimicking Jake's every move, until Jake gets the better of him!

24. YouTube

Favorite Line: "But that's it. It's over!  Go home, bitch!"
Here's Amir at his best: a false sense of entitlement, the ability to rub his coworkers the wrong way and a little dance to tie it all together.  Streeter plays off Amir perfectly here, and though Jake is only onscreen at the very end, he makes his screen time count.

23. Business Ideas

Favorite Line: "Wait 'til you hear the name: Tick Dicklers!"
This episode features one of my favorite formats, which I'll just call "the couch".  These are the episodes where Amir rattles off his ideas to an uninterested, yet highly critical Jake.  This includes episodes like "Movie Pitches", "App Ideas" and "Bucket List".  This beats out the rest, if anything, because of Amir's jingles.

22: 30th Birthday

Favorite Line: "Dear Amir, I hope you're not alive to read this:"
I'm going to start addressing my letters the same way.  I love seeing Amir read off his letters from the past.  Who knew 12 year-olds can be soon cruel?  (I was.) Plus, I love it when Amir talks about his awful, cowardly dad.  The cherry on top was the Doobs reference.  (More on Doobs later.)

21. Rolex

Favorite Line: "Call me Jake."
Amir is obsessed with Jake.  The feeling is not mutual.  Action!  A freaked out Jake is the second-best type of Jake.  That kind of Jake has some of the best reactions.  Unrelated note:  the "beefing soy" line is a prime example of a call back line and a new joke being blended perfectly.

20. Beeper

Favorite Line:  "Nurse is livid!  Just crying in the corner because I've been shitting myself non-stop, which sounds standard, but it's not."
I love episodes that feature Amir telling Jake a ridiculous story about his weekend.  No one does a better job of describing such a gut-wrenching story in vivid detail.  Amir's toddler-like whining at the beginning is a bonus.

19. Rap Teacher 3

Favorite Line: "Better or worse?  Specify, you stupid shit!"
Hoodie Allen episodes are usually pretty funny, but the best one is definitely the last one.  Here, Amir and Hoodie are in the studio recording their track about how cold aardvark cum is.  (Who comes up with this shit?)  In the midst of freezing aardvark semen rap, Jake manages somehow to be the weird one.

18. Table Read

Favorite Line: "He was improvising!"
I couldn't go without at least one Murph video.  The sight of a fearful Jake in Murph's presence is golden but my favorite short features a jealous Murph at a table read.  But even without Murph, Amir's ridiculous script is enough to get this clip on the list.  I nearly had a heart attack when I first heard the queefing bit.

17. Survey

Favorite Line: "Just say, go fuck yourself."
It's hard to imagine anybody respecting Amir, but I guess his cousin does.  Amir's rap was one of the worst things I've ever heard.  (I guess he's better when Hoodie is coaching him.)  And Pat coming in to complain about Amir throwing a lit match on him while Pat was taking a dump brought the video full circle.

16. Secret Santa 

Favorite Line:  "Then I wouldn't get a gift!"
If you can sit through Amir asking if he could talk without interruption from Jake and not fall out of your seat you might not understand how comedy works.  Again we get so see a grown adult break into tears because he didn't get what he wants.  The sequel to "Secret Santa" is also funny, but the first is clearly the best.

15. Prom

Favorite Line: "Moo cow, moo!"
One of my favorite running gags is Amir showing up inexplicably late to work.  Here Amir has a diabolical plan to show up to a high school prom to pour a gallon of milk on a girl.  This prompts Jake to ask Amir to dinner in another great callback.  ("Dinner tonight" was a phrase often used by Amir in the early episodes.)  Any time I hear the phrase, "Mikey, my friend!" my ears perk up in excitement.

14. Mouse Trap

Favorite Line:  "It sounds like you just broke into an apartment and ate mouse shit off a glue trap."
Here Amir is kind of asking Jake for legal advise.  After breaking into an apartment and getting caught in a mouse trap, which Amir calls a "human cheese trap", Amir wants to know if he has a case against the "a-holes who lured me into their apartment and hurt me."

13. Olympics

Favorite Line:  "Shit happened!  Life got in the way!"
Did anyone else follow @USARice on Twitter?  I loved the fact that that account was kept updated for a good period of time.  I also loved Jake's "Where do you get confidence?" line.  All around funny episode from beginning to end.

12. New Voice

Favorite Line: "No!  No!  You're saying that because that's what you want."
See!  Amir isn't the only immature one in this duo.  The fact they had this elementary school conversation in the same low voice just spits me up.  And Jake's dick move to refuse to clarify for people that he stole Amir's voice is classic douchebag Jake.  Speaking of which...

11. Muscle Tee

Favorite Line:  "A sleeveless shirt for this piece of dirt makes that sweet pussy go squirt!"
Douchebag Jake is also a very insecure Jake.  I like to call these type of episodes "Jake Tries New Things".  This includes "Chin Strap Beard", "Corduroy Pants" and "Vest".  Out of these types of episodes, "Muscle Tee" stands out the most because of Jake squirting out, what appears to be cum, from his mouth.

10. Halloween Costumes

Favorite Line: "Pros: It's cute, I can pee in it."
This can be classified as a "couch" video.  The fact that Jake has been planning Amir's funeral when Amir shows up out of nowhere is straight comedy.  Additionally we get to see Amir struggle to make a corn costume joke.

9. Date Ideas

Favorite Line: "The first woman you were inside of and you didn't even call her.  Now, that's baller!"
I shadow box in my room out of excitement whenever I see Amir unravel a scroll.  Scroll videos are simply the best.  I had a plethora to choose from.  "Chugging" is a favorite of mine and "Fourth of July Scroll" is also a gem worth considering.  But this one had it all.  The scroll was perfect down to taking your mother on a date.  (The entry that ended in my favorite line.)  Amir using Jake's name on the scroll was also a nice touch and the comedy doesn't end when the scroll does.  The laughs keep coming when Amir utters, "Thoughts on the list?"  And if I needed another excuse to rank this the best scroll video, this scroll has a treasure map.

8. Snakebite

Favorite Line:  "Dumbass went for it.  And got it."
In this episode Amir is at work with a number of snakebites on his body.  Turns out he tried to domesticate a wild snake and starved it.  He then taunted the hungry snake by dancing around when dead mice on his body.  Jake responds by pretending Amir is now deaf.

7. Treats

Favorite Line:  "Are you f***king crazy!?  You think I'm going to wipe you?"
Jake finds Amir asleep on the toilet with the door open.  Amir for some reason tries to lie about this.  A funny episode from beginning to end , when Amir confidently asks Jake to wipe him.

6. Talent Show

Favorite Line: "The world's first non-Filipino talent show."
There was a sequel to this video which was also funny, but didn't match the level the first one did.  For some reason, the fact that this talent show excluded only Filipinos really cracked me up, and I have lots of Filipino friends.  I especially love Amir taking Jake's impending insult as a compliment.

5. Doobs 3

Favorite Line:  "Is he dead yet?  Or is it not that type of intervention?"
Thomas Middleditch has played the role of Doobs four times.  He is easily the second best recurring character on the show.  Two running gags make Doobs episodes as funny as they are: 1) his name is Penis Anthony Doobli(can't spell it), yet to make fun of him Amir calls him Doobs.  2)  Doobs always has to mention Amir's dad and his impossibly skinny legs.  "Doobs 2" is also a must-see but I give it to Doobs 3 if anything because Penis changed his name to Penis Dickling the Goose.  (He then makes a wolf howl.)

4. Celebration

Favorite Line:  "Shit on ya!"
Amir is a really weird guy.  He doesn't know how to do math, he doesn't know how to brush his teeth, and he doesn't know how to celebrate.  Jake and Amir pull a prank on Rosie and out of this comes Amir at his finest.  I'd like to see him win the lottery.

3. Interrogator (Part 1 & 2)

Favorite Line:  "That was illegal, man!  That was illegal!  I didn't want that!"
Here's where I apply the Ben Shwartz rule.  He's by far the funniest recurring guest and while watching one episode alone is still hilarious, I'd suggest watching them all in chronological order.  All Ben Shwartz videos feature these key components: 1) Ben has a new occupation each time, whether he's a mountain hiker or H.R. guy.  2) Ben is terrible at coming up with new names like Cherry Dude.  3)  After this video Jake always remembered Ben as the guy who sucked his dick.  That's probably why I picked this episode over all the other Shwartz videos.  When it first happened I was blown away.  (Not literally.)  It was brazen and it was jaw-dropping and I could not contain myself.  Even without watching the video I can remember the scene and immediately cackle out loud.

2. Normal Conversation

Favorite Line:  "Refresh my memory."
Two things to note here:  I love the recurring joke that Amir's friends have such weird names.  Den isn't the weirdest one I've heard, that would probably go to Larence(?), but it's up there.  The other thing I like here is Amir's habit of interrupting Jake mid-sentence.  This one is an all time favorite that has never failed to make me laugh.  I do wish we could have seen more of Den.  He was hysterical in the few seconds he was on.

1. New Shirt

Favorite Line:  "Fine!  I got it at Forever 21!  Okay?  Are you happy now?  Forever 21!  There's a unisex section, upstairs!"
My absolute favorite episode of all time.  You can disagree with me, but then you'd be wrong.  No episode has been able to keep me in stitches from beginning to end like this one.  Most episodes I watch give me a collection of laughs through the various goofs throughout, but for "New Shirt" it was one long continuous laugh.  I'm not even sure if that's healthy.  "Say, I know you know," is a close contender for my favorite line of the clip.  But so were most of the lines being said as Jake and Amir yelled over each other.  One of the best things about this web series has been the hilarious dialogue and this episode is almost entirely that.  I could play this clip in strictly audio form and it would stand on its own.  Jake and Amir didn't need the help of any special guests except Pat at the very end, which just speaks to the amazing chemistry these comedic juggernauts have.

That's all the time we have my readers.  This was a long post, but believe me, it took even longer to write it.  I literally watched hundreds of clips over the last few weeks to complete this list.  Did I finish by the show's finally?  Absolutely not!  But deadlines aren't really my strong suit.  Neither is grammar.  But if you can get past its lateness (just like you'll get past the lateness of my upcoming Furious 7 review) you can hopefully enjoy this post as much as I liked writing it.  Make sure you follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3.  I'm also on Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  If you happen to be on Snapchat then add Crunchtimemario.  I'm on Tumblr at  If you want to read more of my blogs make sure you check out Infinite Wisdom On the NBA, my basketball blog.  And finally, I just created a Facebook page which you can check out here.  Make sure to like my page for new posts.  Thank you for reading and stay Guapo out there!