Sunday, May 17, 2015

Who's the Coolest Avenger?

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo's Brain.  If you are new here please don't feel intimidated.  Yes, I am El Guapo, award-winning (not in writing) blogger and radio show host.  You are in for a treat today.  Why don't you kick off your shoes, get in those comfortable reading pants, and find your best chair?  I'm gonna take you on a word adventure.  If you've been keeping up with Infinite Wisdom on the NBA, which you should, you know it's playoff time in the NBA.  That's where a majority of blog posts have been directed at.  But I'm not a one dimensional sports writer.  I have other interests like movies, and models, and Migos and Round Table Pizza.  And that's just the surface.  This is my original blog, the one that started it all, before I did my short-lived Boardwalk Empire blog and my NBA blog.  Well it's time for me to give it some attention and tend to the fire I originally started.  On Mother's Day I wrote a touching and moving ode (my words, not hers) to my mom, Claudia.  A week later I'm back to finally give my input on The Avengers: Age of Ultron, kind of.

I could do a basic run of the mill movie review like any other blogger, but that's not the Guapo way.  One of my first blogs highlighted my affinity for choosing style over substance.  I don't go from point A to be B.  I take the scenic root to the kitchen.  I saw Terminator 2: Judgement Day, then The Terminator, then Terminator 3: I Feel Bad About My Dad Paying For Our Movie Tickets But I Was 10 Years Old And I Really Liked T2 in that order.  On purpose.  So we'll get to my review in a minute but before we do that let's get somethings out of the way.  Yes, I promised a Fast 7 review.  Didn't get around to it.  By the time I did, the movie was already irrelevant.  (I decided it was irrelevant when Post-Chicken-N-Beer Ludacris made an appearance on TNT's Inside the NBA.)  At that point I decided to scrap it.  Sue me.  Second note, I decided to sit on this post because I didn't want to spoil it for anyone.  Two things Guapo hates is Sacramento and spoilers.  But before we get to the review we need to settle something once and for all: who is the coolest Avenger?

The Avengers are a really cool team of super heroes that join forces to save the world.  Some people like Iron Man because he's snarky and a billionaire.  Some people like Captain America because he's a great leader and a true patriot.  Hulk is a good choice for those who like demolition.  I see a lot of people going the Thor route because he's a demigod or whatever.  Black Widow is Scar-Jo.  And I've never heard anyone say they thought Hawkeye was the coolest.  There's one way to settle this debate and it's not quite by the book.  See, when you examine coolness you look at attitude, ability, style and the eye-candy attached to the arm.  We know the Guaps is cool because of his demeanor, his uncanny ability to write the Truth like his name was Paul Pierce, his unparalleled fashion sense and the fact that his girl is bad.  And I don't mean she feeds the dog human-food bad, I mean she's a baddie.  We're going with that test in what is most likely my most blatantly misogynistic blog post since Top 10 MILFs On TV.  Let's get started.

Iron Man

Gal: Pepper Potts
Don't like her name.  Pepper is a condiment not a person.  But let's move past this.  Pepper is cute and clearly smart.  Makes up for her name.  There's something about her attitude too.  She's able to keep Tony Stark grounded which I don't imagine is something easy to do.  Sometimes you just need a girl to hold you down, knock some sense into you when your ego gets out there.  However, there's a time to stop and I would imagine Pepper doesn't know that time.  Plus, she can't hold her own and needs to be rescued.  Too time consuming.  And needy.  On the other hand she runs Stark Enterprises and you need a girl who is business savvy.  Kind of like Martha Stewart, I guess.  Blonde hair, blue eyes, typical white girl.  You get the gist.  Skinny build if you are into that.  Is Pepper your dream girl?

Captain America

Gal: Agent Peggy Carter
She has her own show, Agent Carter, which I've told myself I would watch, just haven't gotten around to it.  That's much more than Pepper can say.  Pros: she's an agent who can clearly hold her own.  I like strong independent women.  I need a woman who will challenge me on all levels, except for basketball and golf.  She's in the army so she's tough and strategic.  She's British if you're into accents and all that.  She's also dead so you don't have to worry about arguments.  Cons: She's dead, so no sexy time.  But let's say you went back in time for her.  Well, she's a bit intimidating and she's in the army, so she's probably seen things.  Last thing you need is to be woken up in the middle of the night while she goes full Wolverine: Every War Ever Vet on you.  Is Peggy your dream girl?


Gal: Jane Foster
This one would appear easy, right?  It's Natalie Portman for God's sake!  But let's take it easy and examine this through.  Clearly she's beautiful.  I'm not arguing that.  She's also some kind of scientist which I don't remember because the Thor movies don't quite measure up.  But she is a scientist and clearly she's smart.  She's probably the smartest out of anyone's girl.  But what if she's too smart and starts using big words when you guys argue and then you start feeling insecure because she's acting like she's Will Hunting and you feel like the other Affleck in the same movie?  (BTW Stellan Skarsgard is in both Good Will Hunting and Thor.)  What if one day she's working on some experiment and out of curiosity you ask what it is and she gets impatient when you can't explain it to you?  She also appears to travel a lot and while that may be fun for a while, it probably gets really lonely.  Those long hours and months away will pile up.  Then again, it is Natalie Portman.  Is Jane your dream girl?


Gal: Black Widow
Yes, for those of you who hadn't watched the movie, Hulk gets with Black Widow.  Scratch that.  Bruce Banner gets with Black Widow.  The Hulk gets with no one.  I know some might be thinking, "Contest over!  It's freaking Scar-Jo!" I implore you to think deeper, just like we did with Natalie Portman's Jane.  While Black Widow aka Natasha Romanoff is clearly on fuego, you gotta think with your big head here.  Let's get the good stuff out of the way.  Again she's on fuego and she's a seductress.  And I'm not trying to be crass here, but I'm sure she would blow your mind if you were ever lucky enough to accompany her to the bedroom.  But it wouldn't work if you were a jealous guy.  She flirts a lot and most guys I know would not be OK with that.  That's not the bad part though.  Think about this:  Scarlett Johansson cannot kill you.  Black Widow can.  She's an assassin.  She kills people as a job and she's been employee for the month for a while now.  When my girl gets mad at me she might give me the silent treatment, or yell at me or whatever.  If you get Natasha mad your life is effectively over.  Why even take that risk?  I guess it's OK because it's the Hulk, but any other non-gamma exposed humans should steer clear.  But it's your life, not mine.  Is Natasha your dream girl?


Gal: Laura Barton
Stay with me on this one.  I know it's tempting to dismiss Hawkeye as the coolest Avenger because he virtually has no power other than great accuracy, which would probably have made him a Hall of Fame quarterback if he went that route.  And you might be thinking, "His wife does nothing!  She doesn't run a business for fight evil.  Why is she even being discussed?"  My response to you is: how dare you?!?  She let the Avengers into her home to hide out, but that's not enough is it?  How about this?  She has the toughest job of any Avenger's significant other: she's a mother and a wife.  The fact that she's able to hold down the fort while her husband, the Hawkeye, or as she calls him, Clint, plays 6th fiddle on the greatest super-squad since the 2013 Miami Heat is absolutely remarkable.  She raises the children and is as a supportive of a wife as you can ask for.  She is a partner to Clint Barton.  She supports him in his decisions and provides valuable insight when he's feeling down.  You might think I'm crazy, but Laura Barton is the girl for me.  Hawkeye is the coolest avenger.  (Side note: Linda Cardellini, who plays Laura here, played Velma in the live-action Scooby-Doo movie.  It's my favorite "Holy shit, no way!" moment from my research.)

Now the actual review.  The first Avengers movie was an action-packed, adrenalyn-filled event, not a movie, that blew my mind.  This movie was like that, but on cocaine.  The movie was less messy than the first one.  This time around these characters are familiar with the deal and have this whole dynamic.  Ultron was a cool villain, which is a must for a successful superhero movie.  Call me crazy, but I would pay $12 for a one and a half hour film of Ultron and Tony Stark exchange snarky dialogue.  Loki is a lovable villain that draws flocks of fangirls (and boys, it's the 21st century) and is the only other Marvel villain in the pantheon.  Hawkeye finally got more than a cameo role.  The great thing is that this movie has been built up to for the last few years, and the film itself is still just building up to more films down this long ass story arc.  I still hold the position that the individual movies (e.g. Captain America: Winter Solider, Iron Man) are much cleaner and smoother.  The big ensemble can still be a jumbled mess, but it's a fun mess.   I wouldn't have it any other way.  This movie isn't the greatest to come out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it's as memorable and as important as any other so far.  If you somehow still hasn't gotten a chance to see, stop wasting your life and go smell the roses.  And by go smell the roses I mean go pay $12 to spend two hours reverting into a child while you watch superheroes destroy cities while they attempt to save the world.  It's been a stressful week.  You owe it to yourself.  As far as superheroes movies go, it's earned itself a solid Guapo.

Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to read my blog.  But look, that LeBron James kid vine is still there.  I put a lot of hard work and sweat into my writing so I'd appreciate you spreading the love.  Check out my Facebook page and if you're feeling frisky, go ahead and like it.  Follow me on Twitter @ELGUAPO3 and Instagram @CAPTAINCRUNCHTIME.  Don't sleep on my Tumblr page.  Tumblr is still cool.  Add me on Snapchat.  My name is crunchtimemario.  Also be sure to keep updated on my NBA blog.  Every time I see that people are reading, I get more inspired and it gives me the energy to keep going.  Keep feeding me that energy.  Or don't.  I'll keep writing either way.  Stay tuned for more Infinite Wisdom.  Have a good summer and stay Guapo out there!

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