Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Jay Cutler: American Role Model

The following is an exclusive interview I had with Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.  On Monday night we met in an abandoned parking lot in Inglewood for reasons Cutler would not disclose.  I told him we could have met at my apartment or a local Denny's but he insisted.  We talked about football, important issues, his wife, and his position as a role model.  

El Guapo: Well, Jay.  Let me just start off by saying thank you for meeting with me.  I know you are a busy guy, but it means a lot that you would take the time to talk to me.

Jay Cutler: No problem.  I wasn't doing anything anyway.  The hotel I'm staying at doesn't have a lot of channels, so...

EG: Right, I get that...

JC: Plus, my agent said you've been emailing him every day for the last month...

EG: Well, I'm persistent...

JC: Not sure how you even got his contact number...

EG:... and resourceful...

JC: ... and in the last email you said that for everyday you don't hear back, a Bears fan dies.

EG: Well, my words were twisted there.  See there it sounds like I made a threat, when in reality...

JC: Honestly, I don't give a shit.  Fuck Bears fans.

EG: Snap, crackle, pop!

JC: Yeah, well, they've never really shown me love.  That kind of sucks.

EG: I feel you.  I've always said you're the most under appreciated QB in the league.

JC: Thank you, Del Taco.

EG: It's E... it's El Guapo... but that's fine too.

Jay Cutler shrugs.

EG: I shouldn't really be talking to you.  Especially after yesterday.

JC: What happened yesterday?

EG: You kidding me?  You guys beat my Raiders!

JC: Oh.  That's who we played?  I honestly never know.  I just care who's on my team and who's not on my team.  It simplifies things for me.  Knowing the names of 32 NFL teams is a lot more work than it's worth.

EG: I guess, but the name of the team is on the jersey.  You could just read it.  It's not like you have to memorize it or anything.  I would understand if the jerseys literally just had a number, but it has a name and a logo.  You have to at least recognize the logo, right?

Jay Cutler shrugs again.

EG: You're doing great by the way.  Speaking of yesterday's game, you threw an interception.  It seems to happen a lot with you.  Bears fans certainly don't like it.  I have you on my fantasy team as my QB2, I don't like it.  Yesterday I did like it, but any other day I don't.  How does it feel when you throw an INT or even worse, a pick 6?

JC: It feels a lot like buying 1% milk.  I don't really mind.  The way I cope is I usually just tell myself that I made a completion to Sherman or Revis, or whoever I just threw it to.  Then I go back to the bench, drink some Gatorade, hang out with teammates, until I'm called back to the field.  Then I just see where it goes.  If I throw another interception, I throw another interception.

EG: ... So what I'm internalizing is that you have a positive outlook on life?

JC: Most definitely.  Look, I get paid millions of dollars to play catch.  Sometimes with my team and the other team.  Chicago is kind of a cool city.  I found $20 on the floor on the way over here.  Plus, have you seen what my wife looks like?  Have you seen her?  (Singing) I'm waaaay up, I feel blessed.

EG: Oh, I have definitely seen her.  I am Googling her as we speak...

I'm looking at photos of Kristin Cavallari.

EG: Oh yeah.  She is... Mhmm... I bet you don't fumble those!

JC: Come on.

EG: Sorry, I got a little carried away.

JC: I mean, that's my wife, and I don't even know what that means...

EG: I said I was sorry.

At this point it gets quiet for about three and a half minutes.  Jay Cutler checks his phone a couple of times.

EG: So what you looking at?

JC: Fantasy football.  Checking my standings.

EG: No way!  You do fantasy?  I have you on my team as my QB2.

JC: Yeah, you mentioned that.  Who's your starter?

EG: Drew Brees.  I mean he had a hell of a game yesterday.  I was kind of worried last week because of the injury.  I ended up starting Blake Bortles because you were out too.

JC: Yikes!  You lose?

EG: What you think?  And I didn't start Alfred Blue and he got something like 26 fan points.  I thought this way gonna be my year.  Who you got on your team?

JC: Well, I got myself.

We both chuckle.

EG: So who was your first round pick?

JC: Uh... me.  And then I auto picked the rest of the way.  So I'm not sure who is on my team.

EG: So I'm guessing you're in last place.

JC: First, actually.  4-0.

EG: Wait, how?!  I carefully and meticulously researched my players by reading a magazine and watching Hard Knocks and I'm sitting at 2-2.  You drafted yourself in the first round and auto picked the rest and you're undefeated?  How in the world is that possible?

Jay Cutler lights a cigarette.  He sticks it in the side of his mouth, not really inhaling.  The cigarette is just an extension of his existence.

JC: I guess I'm just naturally talented at life.  I once showed up an hour late to my SAT, got nearly a perfect score.  I've never lost at Bingo.  When I went to Vanderbilt...

EG: Oh, the uh... Commodores? Right?

JC: Who fucking knows?  But when I went there I had a lot of free time on my hands.  I sometimes went to practice.  Girls would come by my place and, you know.  I'd Cut them up.

EG: Clever.

JC: I decided at some point to try out for the university play.  Why not?  Never acted before.  Tried out for Raisin In the Sun.  Got the part of Walt.

EG: But you're not black...

JC: No.  I'm Jay Cutler.

EG: So you played the lead black character in a university play with no acting experience and played football?

Jay nods.

EG: Sounds like college was fun for you.

JC: Big time!  My friends used to say, "J!" My friends called me "J"...

EG: Jay is your name.

JC: No, not Jay. "J".

I stare blankly.

JC: Like, the letter.  That was my nickname.

EG: Sounds the same though.  Why would that be your nickname?  Let's just move on.  Now, Martellus Bennet recently compared you to Jesus Christ.  What are your thoughts on that?  I mean, your initials match.  Coincidence?

Jay laughs.

JC: He also compared me to Keanu Reeves.  Both are high praise.  Did you ever see the Matrix?  So fucking awesome!

EG: Don't get me started on that!  I wrote an entire blog about the movie.  You should read it!

JC: I don't like reading.  It's not fun.  But I do like watching movies and TV.  I started watching Empire and I realized that it's a lot like the NFC North.  See Aaron Rodgers is like Luscious Lyon.  We are all trying to take his spot.  Matthew Stafford is like Andre.  Teddy Bridgewater is like Hakeem.  I'm like Jamal.

EG: Interesting.  I've never though of it that way.  Why is Matthew like Andre?

JC: No talent.  Shots fired!  Actually, I'm changing my pick.  I'm like Cookie.  No, wait.  I'm Jamal.

EG: Final answer.

JC: Jamal.

EG: Why Jamal?

JC: Because Jamal takes over the Empire.  Just like I'll eventually take over the NFC North.

EG: I think I'd be Bunkie.

JC: Why would you be Bunkie?  Doesn't he die in the first episode?

EG: I don't know.  I just wanted to be a part of this metaphor.

Jay Cutler shrugs yet again.

EG: I know you're a busy but just one more topic.  I've told people before that I look up to you as a role model.  I mean, your life is great.  You're basically Tom Brady without the talent or cheating.  Or rings.  You have this nonchalant approach to life that I just find inspiring.  Should people be more like Jay Cutler?

JC: Short answer: yes.  The Cutler way of life is hard to master, but once you do, everything around you takes care of itself.  I could go home and cry in the shower like Andre after I throw an interception.  I could.  But you know what I do instead?  I go home, Cut up my wife...

EG: Brilliant... Again...

JC: and light a cigarette.  Life is so much better when you give zero fucks.  I got mail saying I had jury duty last winter.  Do you think I showed up?

EG: No?

JC: Hell no!  Well, not initially.  It's a long story I won't get into.  But do you know that song "Don't Worry Be Happy"?

I nod.

JC: That's the soundtrack to my life.  I play that before games, after games, on the way to the bank, during the baby-making process.  I even played it after I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

EG: You know, I had a high opinion of you coming into this interview.  I never thought that opinion would change.  But after hearing everything you've said, so apologetically I might add, the only thing left to say is that you're the greatest human being to ever grace the gridiron.

JC: Thank you.  I appreciate that.

EG: We should go eat together sometime.  Maybe bring Kristen too?  Make it a double date?

Jay Cutler shakes his head.

EG: Well, thank you anyway for stopping by.

El Guapo is a talented blogger on the rise, regarded by many as a cross between Bill Simmons and Socrates.  Through real life experience and expertise in many facets of life, the Guaps aims to provide readers with unique takes that will enhance the way they think and live.  Keep up with his main blog Infinite Wisdom From El Guapo’sBrain.  NBA fans have to place to go with his basketball blog, Infinite Wisdomon the NBA.  Like him on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter and Instagram.  Leave comments in the section below.  Stay Guapo out there!

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